The Dingularity 2024
We used to have irony, but we can’t now, because of woke
Last Friday marked the four-year anniversary of the weekly dingus. Since then, this dingus newsletter has taken on a life of its own. We’ve laughed. We’ve cried a little. And still, we always kept making jokes. It’s like what Truvey Jones says in Steel Magnolias, “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”
It’s going to be a wild next four years. I cannot promise you much. But I can promise you, I will continue to name dinguses every week until morale improves or until they send me to jail.
The guiding ethos of this Friday email are the words of the late columnist Molly Ivins, “So keep fighting for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don't forget to have fun doin' it. Be outrageous... rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce.”
This week, America achieved dingularity.
Dingularity is a term first coined in 2023 and describes a naturally occurring phenomenon that happens when too many dinguses get together and the time-space continuum collapses, creating a black hole of idiocy, which sucks life and meaning and irony from the world. In sum, the dingularity.
This week, every news alert was basically, “Donald Trump will appoint the fox to watch the hen house.”
Hans Gruber is Trump’s pick to be Secretary of Commerce.
That serial killer from the movie SE7EN has been picked to oversee the US Postal Service. WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!
Agatha Trunchbull has been chosen as Secretary of Education.
The guy who had brain worms and hates vaccines is now the pick for Health and Human Services.1
Megatron is now Secretary of Homeland Security
Miss Hannigan is going to be the Secretary of Labor.
That toxic waste from one of the final scenes of RoboCop is Secretary of Energy.
The Duttons (all of them) are in charge of Housing and Urban Development.
And a new department called Puppies has been created which will, of course, be led by Cruella de Vil.
Some men are born dinguses, some men achieve dingusry, and some men have dingusry thrust upon them, but somehow they’ve all been appointed to lead our country.
And don’t forget the women girlbossing their way to the top of an authoritarian regime. Susie Wiles, you are an inspiration to evil little girls everywhere. Elise Stefanik, who hates the U.N., has been put forward as ambassador to the U.N. Ladies, never forget that just because you don’t have reproductive rights and are being forced from public life back into the home, that doesn’t mean you can’t be appointed to lead the subjugation of others. I mean, it’s finally time women ran this corrupt oligarchy, amirite ladiez!
Oh, this brings a tear to my eye reminding me of all the Iowans who voted for Kim Reynolds because they wanted a woman governor. What a great day that was for women in Iowa, who under her leadership now have fewer rights than a bag of trash.
This week, Matt Gaetz, he of the uncanny valley Ken doll face, the man who is the love child of both Bevis and Butthead, who was under investigation for sex trafficking, is Trump’s pick for attorney general. Two men, TWO, Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, have been picked for a new Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). Is it really that efficient to have two men running a department of efficiency? How many tech bros does it take to screw over America? How many Cybertrucks does it take to do a hit-and-run to our country's infrastructure? Also, Musk promised he’d cut $2 trillion in spending but the United States only spent only $1.7 trillion in discretionary money in 2023. So, in order to get there he’d have to, for example, completely cut the Department of Defense. It’s going be a real shocker when the party that touts our military actually ends up completely dismantling it. That’s what we call dingus-on-dingus crime.
A real “stop hitting yourself” form of governance that we have come to expect from this president.
Also, listen, before you pop into my comments and say that our system will hold and it won’t be that bad and Mr. Fox will not be appointed to be secretary of the hen house, I would simply like you to remember that the Voting Rights Act has been gutted, LGBTQ rights rolled back, and as a person with a uterus, I now have fewer rights than I did four years ago. So please miss me with the “our democratic institutions will hold” nonsense. They’re already crumbling.
But hey, at least we have jokes.
Some men are born dinguses, some men achieve dingusry, and some men have dingusry thrust upon them, but somehow they’ve all been appointed to lead our country.
Dingus Runner-Up: Your Election Commentary
Listen, I have seen people blame everything from the Barbie movie to anti-war protesters in Michigan for Trump’s win. I have heard everyone blame everyone else except Trump’s single biggest and largest voting bloc, white men and women.
Turns out the real voter fraud was just two white supremacies in a trench coat.
Also, a reminder, don’t make me tap the sign.
The sign reads, “Don’t blame trans people for the problems white supremacy made.”
And now for something good
You know him and you love him: My podcast producer
has a new podcast about Iowa politics called “Cornhole Champions.” You can listen wherever you find your podcasts. And if you like the name, well, you can thank me, because I named it (mostly I said “Cornhole” and Zach did the rest).This week, in a moment of committing to a bit harder than anyone ever has in their entire life, The Onion bought Alex Jones’ Infowars. The families of the Sandy Hook victims, who sued Jones into the ground for spreading lies about the tragedy, decided to take less money in their payout so The Onion could win the bid. The site’s sale was part of a court order to pay Jones’ estate creditors, largely families of victims of the 2012 Sandy Hook shooting to whom he owes a shitton in damages from the defamation verdicts.
Alex Jones has taken to the news in classic Alex Jonesian style, by implying that there is a vast conspiracy and that Democrats are changing the rules on him and there is something shady afoot. Because it simply could not be that even the grieving and righteously angry victims of Jones’ shameless conspiracy-peddling agreed that this would be the funniest outcome.
But that’s exactly what happened. Chris Mattei, attorney for the Connecticut families, said in a statement. “By divesting Jones of Infowars’ assets, the families and the team at The Onion have done a public service and will meaningfully hinder Jones’ ability to do more harm.”
Once again, here is friend of the newsletter and professional comedian Josh Gondelman with the funniest take.
Author, newsletter writer, and community organizer
is hosting a series of calls about how to organize your community to effect change. His next call is on Sunday at 7pm ET! Here is the signup! And you can read more about his nonprofit Barn Raisers and sign up for his always excellent newsletter.You can watch Rembrandt’s “The Night Watch” get restored if you can get to Amsterdam.
What I am enjoying
By the time you read this, I will be on my way to Savannah to cheer on my friend Morgan Jerkins as she runs her first marathon.
Morgan is a dear friend and was my guest on this week’s This American Ex-Wife podcast.
I also ran my first marathon this year. And I am still reflecting on what that means. I am 41. I was told my whole life I was bad at sports. But in my early 20s, when I moved to Iowa and had no friends and no job, I started running, mostly because I was bored. And now, nearly 20 years later, running has become a way of grounding myself, of remembering my power, of reclaiming my physical presence on streets and sidewalks, in a country that wants nothing more than to end my participation in public life.
And this year, when I ran my first marathon, it wasn’t something I did alone; it was a team sport. I ran with my friend Molly, who got me through when I wanted to die at mile 17. I trained with my running group, who told stories, made jokes, and supported one another on our long, hot training runs. We reminded each other to rest. To take care of ourselves and to keep going. And then there was our friend Jessalyn who made signs and cheered for us and coordinated our rides to the start line and lunch after the race.
Two days after the marathon, I found myself in Home Goods bursting into tears because of how loved and taken care of I’d felt by my friends. How this whole year has been weird and hard. But at least, through it all, I wasn’t alone.
I am going to love cheering on my friend Morgan this weekend. I hope she feels so loved because I’m going to be annoying as shit out there.
This one is not actually a joke. RFK is Trump’s pick to head up the Department of Health and Human Services.
I am old enough to remember when American Idiot came out during the George W Bush Administration. It is hard to even wrap my brain around how much idiotic it's gotten since then.
The next person to say "he won't do everything he said, don't worry!" is going to get a feral as fuck response. I AM OVER IT.