Dingus of the Week: The Men’s Cabinet on Incentivizing Females to Baby

Plus, your best ‘JD Vance killed the pope’ memes

On Monday, the White House announced some new plans to incentivize women to get knocked up. And just in case you are wondering, no, absolutely none of them include making healthcare affordable, mandating paid parental leave, or helping Americans obtain childcare.

Plans put forth by what has to be an absolute conclave of chads, who could not point out a fallopian tube on a map and who spend most of their time posting on Reddit about looksmaxxing, and combing their neckbeards, include a such brilliant ideas as $5,000 bonus to baby, having women chart their menstrual cycles, and prioritizing parents for that thing all new parents of an infant really want: a Fulbright¹. You just had a baby; now you can go to Rwanda and study ant migration patterns while jet lagged. YOU ARE WELCOME!

It’s amazing no one thought of this before.

But no, leave it to this administration to put together a group of people so utterly disconnected from the realities of parenthood in America that after months and weeks of brainstorming the best thing they come up with to share with the New York Times is: Fancy study abroad and an amount of money so small it wouldn’t even buy three months of fruit for a toddler. Do you know how many fruits my kids go through in a week?

$5,000? Thanks for the three cartons of eggs, you absolute dinguses.

Also, nothing has ever made me want kids less than the president announcing that he wants to be the “fertilization president.” That phrase alone just made my labia crawl up inside my vaginal canal and weep. I didn’t even know my labia had tear ducts! But they do now thanks to the president.

Just the phrase “fertilization president” made millions and millions of embryos in the bodies of women yeet themselves themselves right on out of their respective uteruses. They were like “send me into the ocean with the microplastics, I’d rather live there than turn into an American son forced to grow up grunting in gyms, optimizing my sales techniques, wearing tight Andrew Tate-ass pants, and calling women ‘females’ online, as our civilization slowly collapses and women would rather watch Pride and Prejudice for the seven millionth time than text me back.”

The face that launched a thousand ships, meet the phrase that killed off a million zygotes.

Of course, all this hand-wringing about the birth rate isn’t really about the birth rate. It’s about eugenics and pushing women out of the workforce and back into the domestic sphere. As I wrote in January:

All this pearl-clutching about birth rates, hiding behind the guise of overly concerned economists, is not about the tax base or the economy. If it were, we’d be seeing an increase in hybrid work and efforts to expand parental leave. And we most certainly wouldn’t be rounding up families and deporting them.

Cutting off access to abortion and birth control, forcing women out of public life and back into the home — all these measures are justified as a way to support American families and increase the birth rate. But there is no evidence those things will increase the birth rate.

What this is about, what it has always been about is controlling how women live.

Because if this was really about the birth rate, we actually know what increases it. An economist studied this issue. She won a Nobel Prize. We have a Nobel Prize-winning economist saying if you want to reverse a declining birth rate, you have MEN BE PRESENT AND ACTIVE FATHERS.

But no, the brilliant minds of the Men’s Cabinet on Incentivizing Females to Baby are sitting around in their conference room, wringing their hands, wondering how, how can they convince women to have sex with them? Is it….

• 32 vacuums

• 1 DOGE coin

• doTerra

• a trucker hat with “Hawk tuah” emblazoned on it, also the hat is pink

• a certified letter from Andrew Tate telling them they have to

• they can get out of the basement for one hour of sunlight

Outbreeding the liberals

One simple trick to reverse the falling birth rate

And now for something good:

Not since Liz Truss meeting with Queen Elizabeth and the Queen kicking it two days later has a death been timed more perfectly. The Pope meeting with JD Vance just to scold him and then immediately dying was quite possibly the funniest way anyone could die. And then the memes? The jokes? It was perfect, you all did an amazing job. I was in Ireland getting on a bus when I heard the news over the radio and my first thought was, “How can he be dead? I thought he was with JD Vance? Did JD Vance trip him?” This was a full hour before the news hit the New York Times. I texted a few people “Girl, wake up, we got ourselves a conclave.” But I did not utter any thoughts about Vance or voice them on social media. I was, as I said, overseas and I very much wanted to get back into the country, if only for my kids and my dogs. So I wasn’t going to put any of that into writing and then have to sit in an interrogation room while officers asked me questions about my JD Vance jokes.

Officer: Did you write “This is the face of a man who only has sexy times with a settee”?

Me: *snickering* That was a good one.

Which would actually be very funny, but again, I’ve got kids. Maybe when they’re in college.

In any case, here are some very good Vance-killed-the-pope memes. I hope we continue to cyberbully this perpetually damp-looking evil man baby forever.

12 states are suing Trump over tariffs.

And if you, like me, are wondering how many lawsuits are we up to? Well, Just Security, a nonprofit law center, has a litigation tracker that is tallying the number of lawsuits against the Trump administration. We are up to 208.

Speaking of lawsuits, more people are joining lawsuits in Texas over its abortion ban. I don’t love that people have to do this. But I do know that they are doing it despite the personal costs to them and their families. And I hope more people speak up in other states as well.

Trump’s approval rating is so bad that even Fox News is reporting that it’s bad.

Some days, when I am feeling low, I simply just Google “Tesla earnings” and smile and smile and smile.

I feel very conflicted about rat border agents. Like does ACAB include rat cops? But also, poaching is very bad and a little rat in a vest seems very cute.

What I am enjoying:

I returned on Tuesday from a short vacation that I took all by myself. And it was really nice. I remembered that I had an attention span. I read four books in five days!

And I remembered that I am very fun and I like my company, and eating seafood pie alone in a pub with a good book and a glass of wine is what it’s all about. That scream singing “Pink Pony Club” in a pub with the lads is what it’s all about.

1. Yes, that is actually an idea that someone seriously suggested as reported by the NYT.