Dingus of the week: The Epstein Files

What is going on with my “dinguses” and in some cases “dingii”?

Welcome to the weekly dingus, the newsletter where I make fun of someone or something in the news that has made our lives worse. This week, I am writing about the Epstein Files. But in the past, I’ve written about Kristi Noem, Gavin Newsom, Pam Bondi, and the president’s team of men who gathered to incentivize women to baby, to name a few.

What is going on with my “dinguses” and in some cases “dingii”?

They’re all going after Attorney General Pam Bondi, who is doing a FANTASTIC JOB at being a dingus! We're on one Team, DINGUS, and I don't like what's happening.

After years of demanding the release of the Epstein files and promising the release of the Epstein files, the Trump administration has decided not to release the Epstein files.

The files, which may or may not actually exist, include the rumored client list of convicted sex offender and financier Jeffrey Epstein, who was arrested on charges of sex trafficking and died by suicide in prison that same year.

For years, tweedledingus and tweedledumb Kash Patel and Dan Bongino have been going on podcasts spinning conspiracies about the files, implying not so subtly that the Biden administration was intentionally keeping the files hidden to protect high-level Democrats. They insisted, nay, demanded that the files be released!

The conspiracy-spinning was a nod to the influence of the QAnon movement in the GOP. The QAnon conspiracy is the idea that there is a secret cabal of rich influential people working to cover up child sex trafficking. The conspiracy involves your usual garbage like racism and antisemitism, with a few fun curveballs like pizza and Wayfair furniture in the mix.

And honestly, QAnon and Epstein files conspiracy theorists are a testament to how people will literally believe in anyone and anything before they believe a woman.

Like you are going to believe that children are being used to harvest a chemical compound and elixir of youth, adrenochrome, but you don’t believe a woman can be president?

You believe hundreds of children have been ritually murdered in America with no one noticing, but you don’t believe Amber Heard was telling the truth?

But now Patel and Bongino are now the director and deputy director of the FBI, respectively, and oops the files are somehow not around anymore. Earlier this month, the Justice Department announced that the conspiracy that Donald Trump himself spread wasn’t actually a conspiracy and it was all fine. Hahahahaha no need to do anything more. Files, what files? I’m just a lil guy, said Dan Bongino, before asking for some money for the ice cream truck.

In response, the conspiracy theorists of the MAGA world are taking this all very normally and burning their red hats because they’re upset, furious, and shocked that the man who was previously found liable in court for sexual abuse might not be super interested in going any further down another sexual abuse rabbit hole. Whomst could have foreseen this strange turn of events?

The backlash among his own supporters is clearly bothering the president, who has posted multiple times on Truth Social demanding that his boys, and in some cases gals, get it together. He’s claiming now that this is all a SCAM created by the “Lunatic Left.”

And my good man, I wish the left was capable of that high level of coordination, but right now, they can’t even agree that it’s definitely bad to target the five trans kids who play sports, or whether hearing out Nazis might be a good idea. So organizing a psy op so deep that Trump himself repeated it for years and then revealing that conspiracy is fake only to get a few libertarians on X to burn some red caps is really beyond their ken. The absolute best these people can do is agree that maybe some people need health care sometimes.

I don’t actually believe half of the rumors about the Epstein files. This is just the Pee Tape Redux. Welcome to the second Trump administration, 2 Conspiracy 2 Furious. Conspiracy presidency: Fury Road. Or maybe more accurately, The Conspiracy Strikes Back. Because when you build a base that will believe any lie and reject any truth, why are you surprised when they don’t listen to the truth?

Anyway, you know you lost them when the lady who believes in literal Jewish weather-controling space lasers doesn’t believe you.

And now for something good

Oh no, the president has a health condition. Thoughts and prayers! I won’t be saying specifically what those thoughts and prayers are, but just know I’m sending them up with fervency.

$6.2 million in grant money has been returned to LGBTQ organizations after Trump signed an executive order taking that money back.

Fireflies are so back.

61% of Americans oppose Trump's “big, beautiful bill.” Americans haven’t been this united on an issue since we all decided to collectively hate Nickelback.

New Patty Griffin album is released this week.

Something I am enjoying

It was a very stupid week here at MYAM HQ. That said, on Thursday, Iowa got a break from the oppressive corn sweat heat, and I got to sit for a little while on a porch and drink coffee and yap with a friend. And also, I ate a good hot dog at a Little League game and celebrated the birthday of my perfect and not-so-small son, who turned 12 on Tuesday.

Next year, I will have two teenagers and enter the Final Boss Mode of parenting.

Everyone keeps saying, “Just wait, it’s awful.” But to those people, I say, “Sorry, but I love not having to wipe anyone’s ass anymore.”