Dingus of the Week: Pam Bondi

Stock market is down, measles are up

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In his first 100 days, Donald Trump managed to become less popular than Jar Jar Binks. On Late Night, Seth Meyers joked that he was the least popular president since Kevin Spacey, but that’s giving him too much credit; he’s the least popular president since Billy Bob Thornton in Love Actually.

100 days and all we have to show for it is all this lousy authoritarianism. The stock market is down and measles cases are up. And the water pressure is still bad!

Well, that’s what you whiny little ingrates would say, anyway. Little did you know that if it weren’t for Trump, you would be dead right now from fentanyl.

On Tuesday, Attorney General Pamela Jo Bondi, one of the many Nazi Barbies who’ve been brought to life by the Trump administration, tweeted that “we’ve seized over 22 million fentanyl laced pills, saving over 119 million lives.”

Which is absolutely incredible given that the population of the United States is around 341 million people. But Bondi wasn’t to be dissuaded by facts or reality or the context of all in which she lives and what came before her.

On Wednesday, watching a televised meeting where members of Trump’s Cabinet were presumably invited to crawl up his butt, I had one question: How far up a sphincter can a human go and still survive? I must have missed that episode of Magic School Bus.

For Bondi, who, as Florida’s AG, declined to participate in a lawsuit against Trump University after receiving a campaign donation from Trump, that number seems to be about 12 years.

At the Cabinet meeting, Bondi doubled down on her claim, saying that 3,400 kilos of fentanyl have been seized by the administration. She then turned toward the camera and added, “Which saved — are you ready for this, media? — 258 million lives. Kids are dying every day because they’re taking this junk, laced with something else. They don’t know what they’re taking. They think they’re buying a Tylenol or an Adderall or an Xanax, and it’s laced with fentanyl, dropping dead. No longer, because of you, what you’ve done.”

That’s right: 75 percent of you would be dead right now, and have you even thought to say thank you to your dear leader? Have you even considered writing a little note or sending a nice Edible Arrangement? No. You are an ungrateful worm.

This is the woman who moved a scheduled execution so she could attend a fundraiser. What’s moving around a few zeros here and there?

Bondi’s history is a record of girlbossing that should inspire us all. You go, girl. Go all the way to hell.

Dingus Runner-Up: NYT Editorial Board

This week, as thousands of Americans planned to attend rallies across the country protesting the Trump administration, the New York Times Editorial Board published a chiding, condescending piece about how protesters can bring the country together. And while it seemed well-intentioned, having the New York Times Editorial Board lecture anyone about how to protest is a bit like having Andrew Tate lecture you about the female orgasm — misguided, gross, and you have to wonder if they’ve ever participated in making one happen.

Cures for male loneliness?

I don’t actually believe in the male loneliness epidemic.

However, I do love jokes about it.

Here are some possible cures for the male loneliness epidemic.

A conclave.

Working for Chuck Grassley.

And now for something good

Meet Root the turtle, who is able to scuttle about because he has a mobility aid made of Legos.

A bill to expand civil rights protections for trans people in Colorado passed out of the judiciary committee. It has yet to become law, but hundreds of LGBTQ Coloradoans came out to speak in favor of the bill.

Two people/institutions that are dingus-adjacent, but because of the times we live in, are actually doing good things, I guess: Gavin Newsom and Harvard. This does not constitute handing it to them, but this is how low the bar is.

Columbia University student Mohsen Mahdawi is out on bail after he was jailed for his role in pro-Palestinian protests. The judge in his case made it clear that the administration's attempt to jail Mahdawi was infringing on politically protected free speech. Mahdawi is still facing charges. But after his release, he announced, "I am saying it clear and loud to President Trump and his Cabinet: I am not afraid of you.”

Hundreds of federal workers quit their jobs at the Department of Justice rather than participate in Trump’s attempt to weaponize the DOJ against political enemies.

Canada. We are all very happy for you, I guess.

Something I am enjoying

Right after I came home from vacation, I had to immediately hop back on an airplane and go to the LA Times Book Festival.

The morning of my panel, I was waiting outside for the shuttle and struck up a conversation with a nice novelist, who was like, “Oh my name is Chuck, I write about weird things.” And I was like, “I am Lyz, I write about politics much to the disappointment of everyone I meet.” And we talked about kids and family, and books. And then, when we got to the festival, I found out it was Chuck Wendig, and now we are friends.

But as we were approaching the building where all the writers could congregate and get food, I commented that a room full of writers was my actual nightmare. Like take a bunch of anxious introverts who live in their own heads for a living and then throw them into a room together?

To which Chuck replied, “The collective noun for a roomful of writers is an anxiety of writers.” Which was very funny and I think he’s gonna make it in his career.

I also got into a little bit of a fight with a famous critic who said to me, “Wait, you hate marriage, why do you watch The Bachelor?” To which I responded, “That’s such a stupid question.”

And then I heard an incredible story about Gay Talese buying Glynnis MacNicol a steak out of pity. Pity steak from Gay Talese!

And then, I came home and got some very good news. And my friend Molly came over to help me celebrate.

So writer gossip, pink champagne, and naps. These are the things I am enjoying this week.