Dingus of the Week: The worm formerly in RFK Jr’s brain

What other confessions will politicians make next?

My problem with the brain worm is that he quit before he finished the job.¹

This week, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., inspired by the bravery of Kristie Noem, had his own unprompted announcement to make. The man who ranks in the top 100 of Harvard’s most embarrassing graduates, and #1 on the list of most embarrassing Kennedys, professed that a worm had burrowed into his brain and ate part of it before dying.

This makes me wonder if more politicians will come forward with brave and revealing truths.

Like did House Speaker Mike Johnson take part in the Vagina Monologues?

Did Chuck Grassley eat his twin in the womb?

Did Tina Smith kidnap the Lindbergh baby? AND WHY DID THAT BABY DESERVE IT?

Did Bernie Sanders tell Scooter Braun to buy Taylor Swift’s catalog?

Is Sherrod Brown the Zodiac Killer?

Does Jimmy Carter pronounce gif with a j sound?

Does Pete Buttigeig pee in the shower just a little bit?

Is Elizabeth Warren DB Cooper?

Does Chuck Schumer microwave fish in the Senate building lounge?

Was Tammy Duckworth rooting for Kendall in Succession?

Does Barack Obama reply-all on mass emails?

No one and nothing is safe.

Sir Wormathy Fredrick Invertebrate III. You died in the field of battle. A true hero. RIP.

But let’s get back to the worm. Listen, Wormathy, which is what I assume worm is short for, you took the time to burrow into the necrotic brain tissue of a glorified nepo baby and you can’t finish the job?

I suppose it’s reasonable to dig into the frontal lobe of this man, see what horrors lie within and die. But like, I feel like you didn’t have to give up that easily. Could you have not dug a little deeper, eaten a little bit more? 

But maybe I am being too judgmental. After all, I have not gone into war for my country inside the world’s most dangerous battleground known to humanity — the inside of a Boomer man’s mind. Half a league onward, into the Valley of Death, burrowed that brave worm. 

When can his glory fade?

O the wild charge that worm made!

   All the world wondered.

Honor the charge he made!

Honor the worm Brigade,

And…

From this day to the ending of the world,

But this worm in it shall be remember’d;

You few, you happy few, you band of brain worms;

For he to-day that dies in RFK Jr’s brain with me

Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,

This day shall gentle his condition:

And gentleworms in America now a-bed

Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,

And hold their wormhoods cheap whiles any speaks

That ate RFK’s brain with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

Thank you so much to friend of the newsletter, Ted, for sending this in.

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If you love the Weekly Dingus, if you think that it must take a deranged mind to write Tennyson for worms, then become a subscriber. Supporting this newsletter means I can continue writing about politics and slinging dinguses like it’s my job because it is!

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Also, Alexandra Petri wrote a smashing monologue from Wormothy’s point of view. I believe the brain worm is now the main character. Worms are the orcas of 2024, spread the word.

The Summer of the Whale

And now for something good

American woman literally never coming back: “I will return to the US in an urn. Period,” she stresses. “There’s literally nothing that would compel me to return to the US.”

In the Man vS. Bear debate: This couple chooses bears in their swimming pool.

This petty man is an American hero.

Also, Macklemore is good again.

What I am drinking

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to let my friends peer-pressure me into training for a marathon in October. It’s amazing what kind of time I have now that I’m not dating anyone. Finish a novel! Train for a marathon! Do some cold fusion. Anything is possible now.

But because I’ve been running more, I’ve been drinking less. Also, I’m 40 now, so even one afternoon drink messes with my sleep. So, this week I indulged in some nonalcoholic dirty lemon tonic, a recipe my dear friend Rachelle sent me.

It’s basically lemons muddled with sugar and topped with tonic water. Or if you are me, a Midwestern mom, you can top it with Aldi-brand lemon sparkling water.

Have a wonderful weekend. Be kind to yourselves. 

1. I never thought I’d be writing that sentence in 2024. But here we are. LFG!