Dingus of the week: Dingus Double Header

Eric Adams, Bernie Moreno, and a Moo Deng meme roundup

What a week for fucking around and finding out. What a week for reaping what you sow.

What a week for consequences.

While America keeps losing, the real winner is schadenfreude. 

The true October surprise will be the implications.

It’s surprising to me that I have never once chosen Eric Adams as a dingus. The only explanation is that like a good Midwesterner, I have a chip on my shoulder about always being ignored by the East Coast media (derogatory)¹. So, sometimes I ignore them. That’s why your winters have been so cold!

And they’ve clearly noticed. “Please, Lyz,” they begged me. “Turn the sunlight of your benevolent gaze upon us! Because we have a mayor so ridiculous he’s been driving his Prius on sidewalks when he pretends to live here.”

To which I responded, “Get your own funny newsletter written by a feminist with really amazing bangs. For I belong to the land of corn, gas station pizza and a deep-seated, unearned sense of grievance.” ²

But they haven’t. 

Also, I am aware that I do not live on the East Coast. I do not understand their bodegas or parking situations. I am but a humble farmer. And I, out of respect for them and their rats, have never wanted to appropriate their culture.

But, Eric Adams has dingused at such a level that I cannot ignore him.

Ohio has a dingus this week as well. But, to use a turn of phrase from Mr. Dingus himself, “You know first stop is always instanbul.” [sic]

Eric Adams

This week, New Jersey resident and NYC Mayor Eric Adams was indicted on charges of bribery and fraud. The indictment reads like Gru and his minions were running that city.

At one point, a staffer apparently told a Turkish entrepreneur who was offering Adams a bribe that it felt illegal and Adams would not want to participate. But when the staffer checked with Adams, he was (allegedly) like, “Crimes? Let’s go, girls!”

The indictment alleges that Eric Adams took large sums of money and plane tickets from Turkish foreign agents and even went out of his way to fly on Turkish airlines.

During a July and August 2017 trip, the indictment states that a partner of Adams “was surprised to learn that ADAMS was in Turkey when she had understood him to be flying from New York to France. ADAMS responded, in a text message, ‘Transferring here. You know first stop is always instanbul.’” [sic]

In addition to leaving a really comprehensive digital trail of his corruption, Adams engaged in some levels of cover-up that are approaching the dingularity, which is when one’s actions are so rife with buffoonery it becomes a black hole.

To wit. Let me just quote from the indictment a section highlighted by Mother Jones. This section describes Adams’ actions after the FBI seized his electronics on November 6, 2023. 

“Although ADAMS was carrying several electronic devices, including two cellphones, he was not carrying his personal cellphone,” the indictment adds, “which is the device he used to communicate about the conduct described in this indictment. When Adams produced the phone the following day, in response to a subpoena, it was locked and password protected.”

“ADAMS claimed that after he learned about the investigation into his conduct, he changed the password… and increased the complexity of his password from four digits to six,” the indictment continues, with a straight face. “ADAMS had done this, he claimed, to prevent members of his staff from inadvertently or intentionally deleting the contents of his phone because, according to ADAMS, he wished to preserve the contents of his phone due to the investigation. But, ADAMS further claimed, he had forgotten the password he had just set, and thus was unable to provide the FBI with a password that would unlock the phone.”

*Yakety Sax intensifies*

At another point, while a staffer was being questioned by the FBI, they went to the bathroom and deleted texts.

And one staffer texted Adams, “Please Delete all messages you send me.”

My sweet sweet summer children, this is not how it works. The paper trail is trailing. The evidence is evident. The documents have been documented.

On a more serious note, it’s worth pointing out that Eric Adams basically ruined his life because he didn’t want to fly economy. And that should be a wake-up call to Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg to please finally fix the airlines, I’m begging you. Sir, the bleak landscape of commercial air travel — it’s driving mayors to do frauds!

Bernie Moreno

Although the crimes are criming over in New York, I would like to remind you all that we still have corn, soy, and dinguses here in the Midwest.

This week, Bernie Moreno, a car dealership magnate who is running for senator in Ohio, is trying his best to fill the deep dark dingus hole left by JD Vance.

And what better way to do that than a little light misogyny. 

At a campaign event, Moreno questioned why women over 50 even care about abortion. Per the New York Times, “It’s a little crazy, by the way — especially for women that are like past 50,” Mr. Moreno said, drawing laughter from the crowd. “I’m thinking to myself: I don’t think that’s an issue for you.”

What’s the logic here, my man? That once a woman’s uterus ceases to be fertile her interest in public policy dries up faster than your wife’s labia on date night?

What do you think, my guy, that once a woman’s capacity to reproduce ends with the onset of menopause, her concern for the state of human rights shrivels up to smaller than your brain?

What precisely do you think happens after menopause? That women wrap themselves in cloaks and transform into ravens? That we crawl into gopher holes and live off the grubs that crawl into the earth seeking warmth? Do we become the mist? Do we become the lonesome howl of a far-off predator only heard at night? Do women walk into the sea and turn into the foam on the sand? Do we, like the starlight, fade behind the brightness of man-made cities? Do we fade into seeds that blow away in the wind, only later to be killed by a Roundup-wielding man named Bill who also owns a leaf blower?

WHAT DO YOU THINK A WOMAN IS, SIR, BECAUSE IT’S CLEARLY NOT “A PERSON”?

Dingus runner-up: North Carolina Secretary of Education Candidate Michele Murrow

Every week, I solicit dingus nominations from the community on the MYAM channel in the Flyover Politics Discord. And starting this week, I am soliciting dingus nominations from paying subscribers through the Substack chat.

After the success of our Presidential live chat, I thought I would find other ways to have conversations with you all. To that end, every Thirsday morning I’ll ask for dingus nominations.

And I am hosting another live chat for the vice presidential debate on Tue, Oct 1, 2024, 8:00 PM – 9:30 PM CT, where we will see a Midwest showdown between the Minnesota governor and an Ohio senator. So, sign up! This is a very important election and there is no better place to commiserate about it than with the MYAM community. Come laugh, cry, learn, with the rest of us in the paid subscriber-only chat.

To that end, this week, newsletter reader and doctor, Stacey W. became a subscriber just so she could jump into the Substack chat and nominate NC Secretary of Education candidate Michele Morrow. It’s a highly specific and dedicated level of haterade and I love it. So here, in Stacy’s own words, is why Morrow is a dingus.

“Wait, I thought Mark Robinson was the worst person running for office in NC? Hold your horses, buddy! Not only did Michelle Morrow LIVESTREAM herself at the Jan 6 rally, but she also has pledged to not accept federal funding for schools AND claimed that the + in LGBTQ+ was for pedophilia.” 

And now for something good

🚨MOO DENG MEMES 🚨MOO DENG MEMES🚨

Other good things that are not Moo Deng, and thus, pathetic and stupid.

Meryl Streep is fighting the Taliban

Photographers are normalizing the “cone of shame” for doggos and I, for one, love it.

When I say “Not all men,” I mean specifically these two male flamingos who incubated and hatched an egg.

What I am enjoying

Well, this week, I began reading Lonesome Dove and I am laughing out loud. It’s a very funny book. 

And on Tuesday, I went to a local cocktail competition with my friend Kristie. And we sampled some absolutely delicious cocktails and gossiped a lot, and the lovely people at the Map Room gave me a pup cup of a champagne-infused whipped cream. It was delightful.

The Map Room is one of my favorite local restaurants for so many reasons. They have a wonderful patio, good hamburgers, fabulous drinks, and solid drink specials. But in 2020, right after I was fired from the newspaper, I went to pick up a take-out order and on the receipt was a very kind message telling me how much the people who ran the Map Room loved me. It made me cry. I got a few more messages like that as the year wore on.

They were these really kind moments of connection at a time when I was deeply depressed and worried my career was over. I found out later that the author of those notes was the owner, Christina.

I have lived in this town almost 20 years and the longer I live here the more I love these moments of connection and friendship, of joy and sometimes embarrassment. This place sometimes really feels like a home.

1. Including my friends, specifically Megan Greenwell, who is ignoring my texts.

2. *Dons John Deere cap. Licks lips.* I’m ready for my diner interview, losers.