Dingus of the Week: JD Vance
Dipshit sonata
This newsletter only exists because of subscribers like you. If you find yourself sending this newsletter to your friends and conservative relatives consider becoming a paying subscriber.
I came back from vacation this week only to have a brat hit me on the head with a coconut. When I woke up, I was on a couch existing in the context of all that had become before me.
To recap the past 10 days in America: Trump was shot in the ear, Biden dropped out, Kamala Harris got the delegates needed to seek the nomination, and critical systems went down worldwide when a company called Crowdstrike pushed a software update that caused millions of PCs to bluescreen.1
In all of that, there has emerged a dingus so historic, so unlikeable, that if you wrote that this man fucked a couch, we’d have to have multiple news cycles about it. Because he has a face that is giving “gets hornt up about synthetic fibers.”
Of course I mean Donald Trump’s running mate and America’s fail-up son JD Vance.
JD Vance saw what happened to Mike Pence and was like, “Oh yes, please. I’d love to have a bunch of car salesmen cosplaying in camo storm the Capitol trying to put my head in a noose. Sign me up!”
Maybe for his wife this is all cheaper than a divorce. And we really have to solve the housing crisis in America if that’s the case.
If you have just fallen out of a coconut tree: JD Vance is a “businessman” and author of the 2016 book Hillbilly Elegy. If you didn’t read it, and I am sure you didn’t, Hillbilly Elegy was softcore American Dream porn. For a while, Vance was the Republican that liberals love to love. He repackaged the welfare queen myth for a new generation and made a lot of money off it.
It had just enough stories about those dumb Southern hillbillies that any reader could feel superior, but it didn’t inspire anyone to do anything like nationalize healthcare or expand SNAP benefits, because the hero of the book, JD himself, bootstrapped himself out of poverty. Essentially, like all porn, it wasn’t real — it was just a white man’s fantasy.
And I know no one read it because when Twitter user @rickrudescalves joked that Vance had written in Hillbilly Elegy that he fucked a latex glove inside a couch cushion everyone believed it. Probably because after taking one look at that man, people were like, yes, I believe this is a man who would do unspeakable things to a chesterfield. This is a man who’d go to jail for crimes against a divan. This is the face of a man who only has sexy times with a settee.
JD Vance stands for Jumping Divans Vance.
Jousting the Davenport Vance.
Jostle the Daybed Vance.
So many people believed not only that this man would bump uglies with polyester but that he’d write about it in a memoir, Snopes had to issue a fact check. The AP also released a story, but they took it down. One of the reasons the article was removed was because the headline claimed that “JD Vance did not have sex with a couch” and that’s something they simply cannot prove. If the AP posts an article stating that you did not write about fucking a couch, you’ve already lost the battle.
JD Vance is just so historically unlikable that he’s the first vice presidential candidate to start out with a net negative approval rating since 1980. That means he is doing worse than Dan Quayle. JAMES DANFORTH QUAYLE did better than JD Vance is doing. And Dan Quayle was the man who looked like a potato but could not spell potato.
It’s not just the couch sex. (Although, I mean, can couches really consent? Are they sentient? Can Joybird issue a statement?)
The real issue is that JD Vance has punitive views on politics and policy. He believes abortion should be illegal and has even implied he’s against exceptions for rape and incest. He opposes same-sex marriage and universal childcare.
He has also implied that women should stay in violent marriages. Although his campaign has since denied he stated that, the policies he promotes sure seems like he believes it. And again, if you have to spell out that you don’t think women should stay in abusive marriages, well, it’s really begging the question.
I understand misinformation spreads fast on Elon Musk’s dipshit internet, but I will say, since JD Vance himself is the false prophet of white male exceptionalism, I’m gonna call this a mulligan. One of those perfect moments when a dingus gets the dingus enemy he deserves.
Even Jennifer Aniston has entered into the fray.
And now for something good
Well, the Democrats are rallying behind Kamala Harris and honestly, that’s some pretty good news.
As a result the memes are good again.
THE OLYMPICS HAVE BEGUN!
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
What I am drinking
This past week, I went to Maine with my two very dear friends. I’ve known them both since my freshman year of college and we used to go to Anna’s room to watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. (The original version.) They are both a year older than me so they’d have beer and I’d have a Fresca. They called it Queers and Beers, I called it Queers and Fresca. It didn’t have the same ring.
This time, I definitely did not have Fresca. This week I ate six different kinds of lobster roll, learned how to drink soju, and became an expert in the dirty vodka martini. One of the best cocktails I had on the trip was at a place called Via Vecchia. The bar was absolutely lovely and our server Emmy was an absolute delight. We went there two nights in a row for pre-dinner drinks and had a drink called Remember the Maine, which is a rye based drink with absinthe. Which is a little ironic, because after two of them, I could not remember much.
We also had a lovely hot and dirty martini made with giardiniera juice, which I will be trying to recreate at home.
Despite being trapped in airline hell during vacation, I did not understand what was happening. So thank you to Morgan Richardson for explaining this to my editor. If there is any error here, it belongs to me.
Great Dingus call, Lyz!
JD Vance is a fraud POS. He's prostituted all of his self dignity and intelligence to get on the Trump ticket. He's another asshat who benefitted from US government largess (education benefits and a nice resume from an enlisted stint in the USMC) and wrote a book about how people taking government benefits in Appalachia are undeserving losers. He leveraged his Ohio State degree, JD out of Yale and crappy book to make a ton of money and a name for himself in the GOP but then he publicly decries higher education as (literally) "the enemy." You see, Lyz, it's not HIS higher education that's the enemy. It's higher education that lifts and liberates women and minorities that's Vance's and the GOP's problem.
" ... the false prophet of American exceptionalism." Lyz, you're a national treasure.