Dingus of the week: Google
Plus, it’s dingus madness time!
We are in an imagination battle.
Author and activist Adrienne Maree Brown writes in her book Emergent Strategy: “Imagination has people thinking they can go from being poor to a millionaire as part of a shared American dream. Imagination turns brown bombers into terrorists and white bombers into mentally ill victims. Imagination gives us borders, gives us superiority, gives us race as an indicator of capability. I often feel I am trapped inside someone else’s imagination, and I must engage my own imagination in order to break free.”
And if the limits of our language indicate the limits of our imaginations and our worlds, then right now we are stuck in the smallest and stupidest of worlds.
And of course, since irony has actually been eliminated due to executive order, it’s the tech companies, who praise themselves as pushing the boundaries of innovation, that are the ones catapulting us into the dumbest timeline imaginable.
Of course, it would also be ironic — if the irony funding hadn’t been gutted by DOGE — that the party that has been mocking they/them pronouns for years and accusing liberals of being too focused on language is furious over a body of water containing the word “Mexico.”
Like, you are gonna spend your serious political career insisting that the Gulf of Mexico be called the Gulf of America, but when your cousin Steven wants everyone to refer to him as Rainbow, you stroke out?
Liberals are snowflakes for insisting on gender-neutral terms but if Denali isn’t renamed Mount McKinley you are going to bash your head into a wall?
This week, Google and Apple changed their online maps for US users to show the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America. They did not have to do this. No FBI officer is going to show up to Google HQ and arrest everyone who doesn’t change the code to comply. There is no mandatory prison sentence for calling the Gulf of Mexico what it has been called for the past 400 years. You know what happens if you simply don’t do what the dingus in chief asks you to do? Nothing. I mean, worst case, maybe Fox News does a couple of segments about how you are probably shipping baby parts in Amazon boxes, but you’ll survive. Especially if you are so rich you can just buy an ad to air on Fox that reads, “I do not ship baby parts in Amazon boxes.” I am just saying you have choices.
It’s worth noting, too, that this week, Google also removed Black History Month and Pride Month from its public calendar.
There was no executive order demanding that. They just did it for funsies. A real Tracy Flick move for extra credit in Fascism 101.
There is no law saying the president can just rename shit. Technically, the president can demand name changes, but like, what’s he going to do if no one complies? Go to Galveston and shake his fist at the oil-slicked waves? Cry into his orange-stained pillow? Pound his hands repeatedly on the Resolute Desk until Elon Musk’s son gets shaken baby syndrome? You are an all-powerful global tech company! It is so easy for you to just do nothing. What is the point of amassing power and money if you are just gonna roll over and show your belly when the A-Team of stupidity demands things like calling it the Gulf of America and that all bananas be renamed to banMANas to advance the cause of men and reclaim the woke world of fruit? (Oh god, I’m giving them ideas.)
Also, why is it always the tech companies run by men who own yachts so they can do cocaine off a chimpanzee in international waters that are always wringing their hands like, “We gotta do what the big guy tells us, or else, he might be really displeased. Anyway, you guys in for the elephant-murdering party this weekend?”
I knew this revolution would be vile, I just didn’t realize how mind numbingly stupid it would be.
People and presidents only have the power that you cede to them. I can write an executive order from my desk that demands Pedro Pascal come make out with me this weekend. And I did. But it only has power if Mr. Pascal actually listens to it and takes the next flight to Cedar Rapids. Just like this restraining order he’s issued against me only has power if I actually listen to what the cops say and stop showing up to his home with a boombox playing “Paper Rings” outside his window.1
There is no way to truly transition out of that. Except to say, as dumb as this move seems to be, the reality is that language plays a crucial function in forming our realities. Renaming places is the first function of colonization. What we call things, and how we refer to them, is a crucial part of identity and when we begin to cede language, we cede fundamental aspects of how the world is made. To quote Brian Friel from his play Translations, “But remember that words are signals, counters. They are not immortal. And it can happen — to use an image you'll understand — it can happen that a civilization can be imprisoned in a linguistic contour which no longer matches the landscape of... fact.”
Also, I bet this hits so hard if you are from Connecticut.
It’s Dingus Madness Time! Vote now in the Sucky 64
It’s back! Our second annual Dingus Madness tournament, where you get to vote in astounding matchups of athletic dingusry. This tournament is once again put together by friend of the newsletter Beau Anderson, who is doing this for the love of the dingus. (I swear to god, I tried to pay him for it. And I’ll probably just send him a lot of Midwestern booze as a thank you.)
So, we are back this year. Unlike in political elections, you can vote multiple times. So vote early and often!
The first round is the Sucky 64! Make sure you scroll down and vote in every match-up.
And now for something good
Some people have more courage than Google.
A Federal judge blocked Trump’s order restricting trans healthcare for trans youth.
After Chappell Roan’s speech at the Grammys, Universal Music Group is launching a mental health fund.
Minnesota Sen. Tina Smith has been a constant good thing in America for years. She announced this week that she’s not running again in 2026, but she’s a model of how to be good in America in some deeply fucked-up times.
I mean, I suppose it’s great that Mitch McConnell voted against RFK. But man, drawing the line at polio is a low bar. Anyway, I made a meme.
What I am enjoying
This was a cold, snowy week in Iowa. And while I haven’t been able to feel my toes in days, I’ve enjoyed taking my Malamute, Dolly, out in the snow and watching how happy she is. And I also enjoyed a snow day with my kids, playing a shit ton of the Pokémon board game, eating cookies, and getting my ass kicked in Mario Kart.
Also, thank you to my neighbor for using his snow blower to clear my number one dingus from last year, a SNOW BERM. Anyway, here is a picture of my snow wolf.
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*Laughs nervously* Hypothetically, of course.
LYZ OMFG "Pound his hands repeatedly on the Resolute Desk until Elon Musk’s son gets shaken baby syndrome?" I scared my family CACKLING at this. Thank you for the laughs while also going deep into the importance of language at the same time.
Mitch McConnell is so infuriating to me for so, so many reasons. But the fact that he bears so much responsibility for this mess we're in, and NOW he's trying to pretend like he's a hero? It's so obvious to me he's desperate to burnish his legacy because he's acutely aware that history will not be kind to him, and deservedly so.