Dingus of the week: Everyone who is mad about Zohran Mamdani

Plus, a hot socialist summer sale

It’s officially a hot socialist summer. And to celebrate, I am going to be running a sale! Twenty percent off yearlong subscriptions to the newsletter. See, socialism can help the economy!

I normally only do sales in October, on the anniversary of the newsletter. But it’s hot as hell and we are all out here in the struggle. If you want to support a fiercely independent feminist voice — one that makes men so mad they email me to say things like “Be nicer to Matt Yglesias!”¹ — well, you know what to do.

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It is the year 2025, and New York City has fallen into the hands of a mob of socialists who have a terrifying and disgusting agenda.

Led by Zohran Mamdani, a bearded man with roguish charm, and my god, that dimple— but no, stay focused on the horrors. They want you to see the dimple and nothing else. That is how the socialists win. We must stay vigilant.

Because, you see, led by Mamdani, the evil socialists want to do unspeakable horrors, like raise the minimum wage, make rent affordable, provide childcare and help new parents. Mamdani plans to round up all the gays… and give them a little kiss on the forehead.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

What’s next? Free public transit?!

You know what could happen when you make buses free? Poor people might have an easier time getting to their jobs, and then, GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR?!

Wake up, sheeple!

Can’t you see how bad this is? It’s so bad the hedge fund boys be crying. See, the rich boys, they cry. You are laughing, and the rich boys cry! Is this all just a game to you? Have you stopped once to think, what if this is the final straw and they all leave en masse and then NYC suddenly becomes a lot more affordable, and that one insufferable bar stops serving $45 tater tot poutine with a side of artisanal ketchup as an ironic send-up of American culture and $30 old-fashioneds because the cruelty-free cherries were grown with a land acknowledgement? WHAT THEN?

Have you taken even one moment to ask yourself, what happens if all those guys leave, and then, when you open Tinder in Murray Hill, no one is there to explain stock options to you? No. Of course not, because you weren’t thinking about anything except the dimple and a future for America not entirely ruled by corruption and greed. You stupid, stupid socialist sluts.

Like if we let a Democrat run on the actual platform of the Democratic party, what do we do with all the politicians with the moral compass of RFK’s brainworm who are out here saying, “Wait, maybe Charlie Kirk has a point and women are bad?” or “What if we don’t do rights for everyone?” Are we going to toss them into the dustbin of history? WHAT ABOUT MALE LONELINESS?!

But it’s not too late. There is still the general election. And some Democrats are considering backing Eric Adams. Because you definitely know you are on the right side of history when you back the guy who was charged with corruption, but those charges were dismissed because another guy who was charged with corruption is the president and wants you to stay mayor so he can violate the Constitution and deport immigrants with no due process.

Yes, nothing says “We are the good guys!” like backing the guy who allegedly gave kickbacks to Turkish officials because you’re so afraid a guy with a beard might hold you accountable for your greed and encourage you to support your neighbors.

And you know you are correct as a Democrat when you agree with Ted Cruz. Definitely not a huge red flag to agree with the guy who ran to Cancún while people in his state were dying of cold and carbon monoxide poisoning because of the deregulated power grid.

I mean, a 33-year-old man talking about kindness, loving your neighbor, helping the poor!? We must get him out of here. Call Pontius Pilate! He’ll know what to do.

For now, Mamdani is the presumptive Democratic mayoral nominee. And as the NYC mayoral campaigns kick into gear, it’s going to be a long, hot, socialist summer.

A horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad summer when people will be encouraged to think about revolting things like how to make the world a better place. I can’t stand it!

And in other news…

I opened up the CNN homepage, saw this headline and subhed, and then closed out of the internet, put rocks in my pocket, and walked into the ocean.

And now for something good

Ted Cruz absolutely crashing out over Mamdani’s win is hilarious.

The Italians are bullying our billionaires! It’s time for a NATO-like alliance, but for bullying rich people.

Boston urban food forests!

My friend Josh Gondelman was on CBS Mornings to talk about his new comedy special! And his comedy special is the very definition of a good thing!

Something I am enjoying

Last weekend, I went to visit my dearest friends in Minneapolis and say goodbye to my friend Anna, who is moving. You don’t know this, but frequently Anna and Kate punch up my jokes in the weekly dingus. (I pay them back by buying dinner when I see them.) And if you read This American Ex-Wife, Anna is the wise friend whose insights punctuate the book. She’s also a brilliant academic whose research and insight often deepens my own work.

I feel so lucky to have had friends for 24 years. I hope to have them for so many, many more years.

So, to toast friendship. I think we should all make Amaro spritzes. I made this drink last week and it was delicious.

• 4 oz sparkling wine, chilled

• 1 oz Amaro Nonino

• 1 oz grapefruit juice

• 1 oz lemon juice

• 1 oz soda water

• Ice

Happy hot socialist summer!

1. Yes, this is a real email I received this week. The logic was that he went to Harvard and he’s just trying to help and I, a stupid woman who needs correction, should be nicer. And my only response is LMAO now I’m gonna get meaner.