Dingus of the Year: JD Vance
A country of the dinguses, by the dinguses, for the dinguses.
I am writing this newsletter high on DayQuil, while my kids, still on holiday break, mope around the house like Victorian orphans, bereft of toys and entertainment and the love of a mother. And I, their cruel, workhouse overlord, keep growling, “No more screen time for the day.”
If only they had puzzles, games, books, or pets? If only they had gifts from Christmas they could play with. But no, alas, they do not. Because they are but waifish orphans, doomed to a life of neglect.
My small son stands now in the doorway with a wistful look in his eye. “Please play with me, Mother,” he begs. But no, I tell him I have a very important job. “Mommy has to come up with jokes about JD Vance’s face. I am a serious woman in arts and letters.”
He slowly walks away. The cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon.
But my job weighs heavily upon me. Because no greater task has befallen a human on Planet Earth. It is time, time to choose a Dingus of the Year for 2024.
The Dingus Awards began as a way to find humor in the fight. A way to vent a little, try to fend off nihilism and find some humor in the everyday horrors. These awards are offered in the spirit of the late columnist Molly Ivins, who once said, “So keep fightin’ for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don’t you forget to have fun doin’ it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce.”
We are now entering the fifth year of dingusing and the dingus crop is ripe for the reaping.
2024 was a year when dinguses made a comeback. They escaped the traps of human decency and the oppressive woke left that insisted they stop being “rapey” and racist, and they once again roamed free across the great American plains. This year, they got rich, started podcasts, got elected to the highest offices in the land, and threw little temper tantrums because no one wanted to date them. And no, we still don’t — but keep it up, boys, keep being aggrieved and mean and scammy, and you too could become president one day.
America: A country where the dreams of the disgruntled white guys are realized, and if they aren’t, the rest of us pay for it with our lives.
AMERICA. A country of weaponized gendered grievance.
AMERICA! a country where I will probably die if I get pregnant, but hey, at least our senators finally made an honest woman out of the bald eagle.
AMERICA!! A country of the dinguses, by the dinguses, for the dinguses.1
And this year, one dingus truly made his mark on America for the worst. One man with a face so odious it was easy to believe he fucked a couch. One man with an affect so off-putting that he began with the lowest VP approval rating since Dan Quayle. JD Vance is what happens when you put eyeliner on a potato, give it a Bible, and send it to Yale Law.
Between Jim Jordan and JD Vance, I am beginning to think Ohio’s biggest exports are soybeans and assholes.
Back in July, when Vance won the dubious honor of Dingus of the Week, I explained: If you have just fallen out of a coconut tree: JD Vance is a “businessman” and author of the 2016 book Hillbilly Elegy. If you didn’t read it, and I am sure you didn’t, Hillbilly Elegy was softcore American Dream porn. For a while, Vance was the Republican that liberals loved to love. He repackaged the welfare queen myth for a new generation and made a lot of money off it.
The book had just enough stories about those dumb Southern hillbillies that any reader could feel superior, but it didn’t inspire anyone to do anything like nationalize healthcare or expand SNAP benefits, because the hero of the book, JD himself, bootstrapped himself out of poverty. Essentially, like all porn, it wasn’t real — it was just a white man’s fantasy.
In the months since, Vance was elected vice president, bringing to the Trump Vance ticket such bold ideas as making all abortion illegal and making a lot of humans illegal too. He opposes same-sex marriage and universal childcare and believes a woman’s role is to take care of children.
Vance ascended to the national office because he took one look at what happened to Mike Pence and was like, “Oh yes, I want that.”
But in the days since the election, Vance has been mostly out of sight, with Elon Musk becoming a de facto vice president, which feels like a lateral move. Vance and Musk are both businessmen obsessed with the birth rate and have faces that look like they were generated by Grok when asked to make a man so off-putting you’d cover your drink in his presence.
But Musk has a lot more money than Vance, because growing up with a parent who has an emerald mine is better than growing up with a parent with a drug addiction. So right now, Musk, former Dingus of the Year, is running the show. And I hear Elon Musk is having a locker installed in the White House so he can shove JD Vance into it.
We are peering over the cliff of the next four years, and god help us not to tumble off the ledge of history. And while I don’t really believe in giving predictions, I do look forward to Vice President and Dingus JD Vance being present at all my gynecological exams in the future as he carefully, and in the weirdest way possible, makes America that much worse.
JD Vance is what happens when you put eyeliner on a potato, give it a Bible, and send it to Yale Law.
Dingus of the Year People’s Choice Award: The Undecided Voter
In a completely scientific and no way impeachable poll, you all voted for the “undecided voter.” as the Dingus of the Year. The undecided voter was Dingus of the Week in September. In that newsletter, I wrote, per the research, “If they do exist, these undecided voters are usually conservative-leaning men, data show. These are probably the same men who are on Bumble identifying as ‘apolitical’ because at least they know that saying, ‘I am a conservative and will vote to take away your right to make basic healthcare choices’ doesn’t usually turn women on.
They like tacos. They want to find the Pam to their Jim. They think you are being a little hysterical and look, could you please stop shouting so loudly about your rights while you are being herded in the JD Vance breeding pens? Women, amirite?
‘Why do you have to make everything so political?!’ they demand when you tell them your friends can’t get trans-inclusive health care.
‘You really have to see both sides,’ they say when you tell them, ‘Hey, I am a human being and deserve rights.’
Before you get too hard on them, consider: They are moderate and reasonable men. They simply don’t get upset when women tell them they would have died without an abortion. Or that conservatives are coming for marriage equality. Why should they? It won’t affect them at all. Not in the slightest. Look at them: They are very smart. Have you considered that you are simply being shrill when you say that January 6 was bad, actually?
Sure, women may be dying. But have you considered the other side? Which is that men don’t like to be nagged about all this dying.
It is very important that the campaigns must appeal to this person who has never formed a coherent opinion in their life. A person for whom facts and data and the screams of children, just run through their head, in one ear and out the other. No brain, no pain.
And now for some good things from 2024
This year, you all helped to raise over $650,000 for the Iowa Abortion Access Fund. It’s incredible work and work that is so necessary in a state where maternal deaths are on the rise and where we have the fewest OBGYNS per capita and a full blown health care crisis. Thank you so much for showing up to do the work. Please don’t abandon us in 2025.
Oh no, Tesla sales are dropping. *plays tiny violin*
The Apple TV show “Severance” returns on January 17.
This year, the popularity of women’s sports soared.
Also, this year Vladimir Kara-Murza, Evan Gershkovich and others were released from Russian prisons.
And Thailand legalized same-sex marriage.
Drug overdose deaths fell by 17% this year.
Something I am enjoying
This year, I renovated my basement. I didn’t want to do it by myself, but a string of not-so-handy (and two handsy) handymen meant that I was burnt out on constantly negotiating with men to do very basic things around my house. Also, why should I pay someone $75 a visit to tell me that they don’t think the thing I want to do can be done? Like I can gaslight myself for $0. So, I watched YouTube videos and got to work.
For not a lot of money, I ripped out the drop ceilings, patched, and painted and transformed that space into a place where my kids and I spend a lot of time. My daughter has held two slumber parties where the joyful manic screams of 13-year-olds rose up the basement stairs. And over Christmas, I installed a swing where my kids love to hide and read books.
But one of the best results of this transformation is now we can have people over to play games. And we have. Two years ago, my sister (the brilliant Aunty B) gave us Jackbox and we’ve been having people over to eat soup and play a very fun game called “Split the Room.” The game has a low barrier to entry and is designed for groups with people of all ages. (My 11-year-old son is a real weirdo and has come up with scenarios that frankly terrify me). And we’ve had so much fun playing them with our friends.
As the year progresses, I look to create community and hold on to hope, making my house into a space of comfort and resistance and a lot of fun.
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln rises from the grave to slap me upside the head.
And now I'm sitting here bawling on my birthday. Thanks, love. Truly.
If there's one big question at the heart of my work right now it is, "How do you love in a world like this?" Thank you for modeling how to do that, with humor and insight in equal measure. You are a gift.
Congratulations on the basement reno! 2025 is the year of all your kids' friends asking them, "can we hang out at your place? your mom is so much cooler than ours."