I've often said to the well-meaning men in my life, "When men get angry, they're (seen as) masculine. When women get angry, they're (seen as) out of control." These well-meaning progressive men will trip over themselves to own up to implicit bias when the discussion is about people of color. But if I make the discussion about implicit bias toward women, I see their eyes glaze over.
Someone very smart once said: If women don't speak up, they get ignored. If they do speak up, they get punished.
for a long time I've thought that the solution to this was teaching that angry men are out of control; that there needed to be less tolerance of men's anger and not more tolerance of women's anger.
I'm starting to think I was wrong about the 2nd part.
"In that essay, I wrote, “We speak of men and their rage as if it is laudable. ‘Men just get mad and push each other and it's over,’ we say. ‘Women are just bitches; they never let it go.’ That's because we never can let it go."
Saturday night reached a head in my marriage. I've been unhappy for quite a while, mainly because of his relationship with alcohol. Wisconsin; beer culture is ev. er. y. where. Five hour drive to his yearly fishing trip? Drinking all the way. 5 hour round trip drive to and from Michigan for some stuff we can't get here? Drinking all the way. 10 minute drive back from the grocery store for a beer run? Has to crack open a beer. He keeps (kept?) a 30-pack of open beer in the backseat of his car. He used to have the back seat floor piled up with empty crushed beer cans.
"I like the taste." Yeah, you like the taste so damned much that you will mindlessly crack open a beer 10 minutes before you leave for your in-home therapy session. "They don't mind." They don't mind? THEY DON'T MIND? Do you suppose they "don't mind" because you hold EXTREME power over them and the fate of their children? Do I need to call and report you to your employer? "If that's what you need to do." Because you get caught, it doesn't just affect you. Your old white maleness is not going to save you every time. If I'm going to be left alone due to you ending up in jail or dead, I'd rather leave now and be alone on my own terms.
"So you're really not happy? You really are mad about me drinking while driving? I thought it was just a control thing because you never let it go." JFC! I never let it go because you think it's just Shirley being Shirley and she explodes and then she gets over it, but IT NEVER GETS RESOLVED!!! You choose. Your precious road beers or your marriage, because I AM DONE! His concession a few weeks ago was "OK, you're right. I don't need to open one for the ride back from the store. That one IS ridiculous." I'm sorry, how stupid do you think I am? That still leaves alllllll the other drives. There will always be a mf'ing loophole for you. It finally clicked when I once again, for the umpteenth time, stressed that his reckless behavior does not just affect him.
So, we'll see. There's no way I can verify, so it's purely on the honor system. I haven't unpacked my suitcase yet.
I had 2 long live-ins and 3 marriages before one, this one, worked (24 years in; I'll be 80 in a few weeks). There's no glory in long-suffering and there's no joy like that first morning you wake up, safe and alone, and realize there's no personality you have to adjust for his fragile ego and your psychological and/or physucal safety. Sure i've beeb broke, but...except for one...i haven't been broken. Thank you for your rage on the page.
I haven't given up on him entirely, not if he's sincere. I think (hope) I really got through to him this time. We're a good fit more than we're not. I'm not expecting him to live some puritanical life devoid of any enjoyment, but can we agree that downing beer after beer while driving is not a good thing to be doing (no matter how much you claim you never catch a buzz because you say you have some superior ability to metabolize alcohol faster than one drink an hour), and one of these days it could bite you in the ass, majorly? Geez.
I get that. I was trying to explain to him that his drinking was MY problem so rather than try to force him to change, I would remove myself from the picture, and was starting to take steps to do so. If his beer is more important than his marriage, that's his choice. I'll have to wait and see where it goes from here.
I'm so sorry Shirley, and I hope things do work out. But honestly? I left my first husband who was an alcoholic, and I think you should be making some contingency plans, socking money away, and thinking about where to go if you have to leave. Do you have any friends or family that you could stay with temporarily?
I think he really got it this time. My bag was packed. I said I'd take an Uber to an extended-stay hotel (the car title's in his name and it's a POS that needs replacing anyway), get a storage unit of my own, and figure it out from there. In the past he thought I wasn't serious and just blowing off steam. I never had even a rudimentary plan. I haven't entirely given up on him/us. We're a good fit for each other more than we're not, but drinking and/while driving is where I've drawn a bright red line in the sand.
I'm a pragmatist and have gone through your situation. Please... get yourself a bank account that has nothing to do with him. He doesn't have to know about it, and maybe you won't ever need it. But I've never known an alcoholic who didn't have their excuses like "have some superior ability to metabolize alcohol faster than one drink an hour." They NEED those excuses to live their life unfettered. But even if he goes to AA and gets himself clean, and you talk about everything...? Get yourself your own bank account.
I am a non-spiritual and non-religious person who found help in dealing with my alcoholic loved one in Al-Anon. It taught me how to set boundaries and how to find joy even if my loved ones continued to drink or use drugs. There are online and phone meetings as well as in-person meetings. Simply FYI. Good luck!
This is egregiously bad and you are right to be mad about it. I hope he can sort himself out, acknowledge that there is a problem, and get the help he needs before anyone gets hurt by his recklessness.
Overcoming addiction or substance dependence is not a matter of will and it is not something we can do for anyone else. I know how hard it is to love someone through this and how helpless it can feel. Please take care of yourself first. You are worth it and you deserve to be treated with respect (as AKBB said).
Thank you. Sometimes it feels like I'm taking crazy pills and blowing this out of proportion. I honestly don't think it's addiction. It's more arrogance and entitlement, which is why I have such little empathy for him in that regard. His liver panels were elevated during a physical a couple years ago and he managed to not drink at all on his doctor's advice. I didn't even notice for the first few weeks because he wasn't having any symptoms of withdrawal. It didn't stop him from going right back to the beer as soon as his liver enzymes fell back to normal, though.
"I honestly don't think it's addiction. It's more arrogance and entitlement"
It can be both. And while I hope this all works out for you, my life experience tells me that as soon as he thinks your bags are unpacked and you've settled back down, the beermobile will start back up again, just as it did when his liver enzymes settled back down.
I don't think you are blowing it out of proportion at all. Whatever it is -- addiction or arrogance/entitlement -- you are 1000% right in calling it out.
When you say that you took care of your sister but didn't have the courage to see how unhappy you were or to take your kids to D.C., please know that the courage it takes to walk everyday through the lives allotted to us by a misogynist, sometimes abusive culture should not be diminished. Everyday would have needed so much strength to get through. The very fact that you have become a truth teller and left shows you have great courage. So many women can't do it. I was able to do it but with so much help from my family. I know how very hard it was for you, and I so deeply admire you. Keep telling the truth--there are far too many naked emperors strolling around.
“This should not be where our anger ends, smothered by the efforts of mediocre men who insist they can’t sell ads off it. Who insist it isn’t profitable. Who tells us it’s destroying our society and harming our children.” Thank you for all of it, and especially thank you for this passage. We absolutely cannot stop. I needed this reminder.
When I was in the thick of my divorce I was castigated repeatedly by other women, women who would still to this day define themselves as feminist, for being too angry, for not compromising enough "for the good of the children" with a man who defamed me in public, attacked me in private on the rare occasion I allowed him direct access to me, and went to extraordinary lengths to punish me financially in ways that lasted for years. One woman actually suggested I mobilize "our community" to participate in a "talking circle" for us to air our grievances with each other so that we could come to some sort of peace together. Others insisted, and he insisted, that my unwillingness to go through mediation instead of the courts was emblematic of my inherent aggression and combativeness, and not based in an understanding of mediation, which can only be engaged in between parties who both approach the process in good faith. The wasband was the definition of bad faith, and found the boundaries placed upon him by me and the court system enraging. But his rage was "understandable" because I was insisting on utilizing a system that made us opponents instead of "collaborators."
Feh. I just had to ignore them all and do what I knew was right and necessary for me and our kids. I had to construct a life that was my own entirely. I own my house. I maintain my own bank accounts. I control my work choices (to the extent that one can in capitalism). And I have been largely single since my marriage ended, because I will not set myself up for the kind of rage that comes when I submit myself to relationships and institutions that are based on my being the silent, happy helpmeet. It seems from the outside like Jezebel died because it went from the brainchild of a woman to a product owned by men, which was a recipe for it to be eventually shuttered because it no longer served those males' interests. Women will only ever be served within the context of patriarchy when they control the means of their messaging, livelihood, and lives. As soon as men control things then the day when what women need is inconvenient (or unprofitable) is inevitable.
The problem with this, I can say more than 10 years out from my marriage, is that the need to be entirely self-controlled makes it very difficult to navigate asking for help or being vulnerable, which are necessities for true intimacy and connection. When patriarchy demonizes women's rage it also constricts our ability to connect and love. The rage I feel over that is simpler to feel than the incredible grief and sadness which this reality engenders.
"It seems from the outside like Jezebel died because it went from the brainchild of a woman to a product owned by men, which was a recipe for it to be eventually shuttered because it no longer served those males' interests."
I absolutely agree with this. I read Jezebel EVERY SINGLE DAY, got the newsletter, and everything. I am livid this valuable voice for women is gone and my heart hurts for those that worked there. Godspeed, ladies...
"It seems from the outside like Jezebel died because it went from the brainchild of a woman to a product owned by men, which was a recipe for it to be eventually shuttered because it no longer served those males' interests. Women will only ever be served within the context of patriarchy when they control the means of their messaging, livelihood, and lives." This.
The trouble being that freedom can be very lonely. But then so was marriage, at least for me, so there may be little remedy for it. Living with other women helps. My housemate is one of my dearest friends, and she's much better to cohabitate with than any partner I've ever had.
This sentence - "I was trying to prop up the walls of a home that was suffocating me." helped to strengthen my resolve to end my 37-year-old mostly unhappy marriage. I had tried for too many years to do just that, "prop up the walls" for a man with an incredibly horrid childhood, actually beginning with babyhood, that instilled in him an angry view of the world. A view that soon came to include me. Here's where your sentence really hits home. I tried for DECADES to caretake and heal the rage he carried, the rage that too often suffocated me and any chance for either of us to be happy. But as hard as I tried, he could not rid himself of it. After therapy, past life regression, and a host of other methodologies; I finally understood, he simply could not or would not stop being angry no matter what I did. That is - until he understood that I was truly leaving and we would never live together again. (I had left him twice and threatened to multiple times in the past.) It will still take some time to separate our lives, but I have the financial ability to do this now (injuries from accidents sufficiently healed to work again) and we both know this is finally going to happen, for good. No backsies. Knowing we would not be able to part immediately, we have been co-existing in a less than 400 sq. ft. apartment for the past 6 months and may need to until the end of this year. As you can imagine, the idea of living with an often-angry man was an extremely daunting prospect, even scary (emotionally, not physically) now he knew with a certainty that he was being left. Surprisingly and thankfully, he has matured more than I ever thought possible and 'gotten a grip'. At first, I thought he was trying to woo me back as he had in the past, not believing I would actually go. He knows now with all the preparations I have made, that I am finally going to seek my own happiness. He is a kind man in addition to being plagued with anger and told me I deserve this. Telling me for several months now that I should feel no guilt for leaving him after the way he mistreated me and I know with a certainty now, he is being sincere. I vacillated still at first (his sad eyes) but there is no doubt in either of our minds that not only is our marriage over, it is a positive thing - for BOTH of us! It has been a long haul though...
My sister is very precious to me and I honor the love and commitment you have for yours. I hope they and everyone you love are well and happy at present.
Not just the one sentence, but reading your newsletters helped me to understand so much of what I had roped myself into and that I deserved to go forth and be happy! Thank you.
Tana, you are not alone in this experience. You, however, took the initiative, and my husband decided that we should divorce. I never would have left. Because that’s not how things have ever gone in my family. You just stay… forever… until one of you dies.
I am so much more at peace now. You can do this. You will do this. This is the start of your best years yet. I speak from experience. Sending love. Feel free to connect.
Kris, thank you so much for what you have said here. I too, had the family influence to do or die in one's relationship. You just do not leave. This was one of the reasons it has taken me so long to finally leave a relationship that was obviously dysfunctional early on, despite trying and trying and trying - fruitlessly. (Much more to unpack here.)
I'm glad you are much more at peace now. I am too, even though we will still be 'roomies' for a month or two. It's working out surprisingly well though for the most part.
Thank you for your encouragement! I am resolute, but being supported helps tremendously! I will do this.
The last few days have been very hectic, not just with my marriage, but a bunch of 💩 hit people's fans and I was the one who happened to have a power hose! I would very much like to connect with you - after the weekend? Sending love from a fellow singer...
Human Origami! Funny and too true! I will be singing again tomorrow when I have the apartment to myself. As a bird lover, I think you will appreciate that my 34 year old umbrella cockatoo (had her since she was an egg) loves to sing along with me. I always have known too, that my life is not complete without a dog (or two) at my side. Apparently we are sympatico!
I had a cockatiel for 10 years. Today is the anniversary of her death, 8 years ago. Lilah was very smart and funny. She had quite a few words, and would bob her head and say yes and good girl. She also would wolf whistle and whistle the Ride of the Valkyries (it was a ring tone for a long time). She loved to sit on top of my head. The Plaza Hotel in Rehoboth has birds, and the sun conures are so sweet. My good friend Rachael has a 27 year old African Grey. He’s not quite as friendly as a cockatoo can be, FOR SURE.
I'm furious that I have two nephews who are currently risking their lives fighting in or near Gaza.
And I'm furious that an immediate cease-fire means leaving Gaza run by the same people who, knowing what the cost would be to their own civilian population, chose to kill and kidnap 1400+ Israelis, mostly civilians, slaughtering them in their homes, on the streets of their neighborhoods, and the grounds of their music festivals - and who would do it again if they saw the opportunity.
And I'm furious that Hamas cynically hides behind and under its own civilian population, forcing Israel to make that terrible choice.
And I'm furious at all of the people, in Israel, America, the Persian Gulf, and around the world who avoided that choice all this time with the thought that Gaza was a problem they could "manage" instead of a crisis they needed somehow, desperately to solve.
I was going to respond but now I see that the comment was removed. It's true that Israel-Gaza was not the point of Lyz' post, but she mentioned it, so that was the part I was responding to.
Thank you all - Lyz on out - for the support. It means a lot, and it's why I appreciate participating in this community.
Wendy, I'm not sure what you mean. What is happening in Gaza and Israel now is between an utterly repressive, misogynist Hamas regime in Gaza and a Israeli government that has been drifting steadily more towards the right-wing and religious-nationalist elements that have, themselves, become more focused on gender roles and assorted issues in recent years.
In that context, there is maybe an analogy to be drawn between the pent-up frustration that Lyz' essay describes and the modality - on both sides - of "managing" the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in ways that entrench an untenable and unacceptable status quo at the expense of innocent people on both sides but (who would have thought!) solidify the power of the people in charge. That's really what I was trying to get at.
I do agree that there is plenty of blame to go around, and since I am an American and vote and pay U.S. taxes, I am most furious with our politicians. I am also furious that it seems most of the Israeli victims were kibbutzniks, who are the best of the country, and not part of the extreme right wing who do everything they can to sabotage any peace agreement.
I think there is room for all of our rage here and Avraham is expressing his in an honest way. And I appreciate his contributions to this community. And I encourage people not to use their rage to attack others who are not the enemy here. Thank you ❤️
I am going to remove all comments that attack others in this space. We can hold all thoughts and complications. And we need to assume the best of each other here. People who comment are members of this community and while we can and will disagree let’s not attack each other. We all want the same things here…a more just society.
The comment is on-topic for the newsletter because it shares a personal perspective on something specifically referenced (see excerpt below) and I do not think it is fair to interpret it as a reprimand. His rage is substantial and so is the rage that Lyz wrote about today.
An excerpt from the newsletter: "Right now, in America, outrage and protests against the killing of civilians in Gaza are slowly, painfully shifting the Overton window on Middle East policy. Our collective rage over injustice is making us take action — to pick up the phones, to once again fill the streets. And it makes a difference."
The tendency by many men on the Left to choose their identity as "good guys" over the actual needs of women has been and will continue to be the death of women.
Sexual infidelity has been the black hole where we were allowed to deposit our rage, conveniently including "the other woman" in the retaliation...and distracting us from the invasive cancer of political/philosophical infidelity.
And/or fear-monger their way into collecting lots of campaign dollars while doing NOTHING with the emotional capital, win or lose, beyond extortion in the next cycle.
I'm reading this as Morning Mika is reporting on Kevin McCarthy getting elbowed and Bernie Sanders reigning in a blustering senator. I have long believed there are entire industries aimed at keeping people, especially women, and people fighting for civil rights, from boiling over. I feel like many religions, including non-religions like New Age spirituality, all ask the impossible. Turn the other cheek - and maybe the origins of that are grounded in something good, but I think, to overuse an overused term, that this has been weaponized in the service of a power structure that is fighting hard to stay in place. Kaepernick and taking a knee, Black Lives Matter, and other peaceful movements have also not passed muster. The extreme reaction to Critical Race Theory and feminism in all its manifestations are examples as well.
If we all raged the way white conservatives rage about being made to account for their racism and sexism, it could get interesting. I think of June Jordan, and the line from her poem, "Poem About Police Violence"
Tell me something
what you think would happen if
every time they kill a black boy
then we kill a cop
every time they kill a black man
then we kill a cop
you think the accident rate would lower
subsequently?"
I also think of her poem titled, "Poem About My Rights." Jordan did not put a cap on her rage - she expressed it, and I feel like this newsletter of yours is another expression. Thank you.
YES. And a lot of that teaching women to control and bottle rage is passed on through not just media but therapy. This discussion reminds me of the therapist I had 10 years ago who was very helpful in several ways but who also was very invested in helping me diffuse my rage instead of harnessing it, and while yeah I think I needed it it may be counterproductive in the long run because (waves hand) all this.
June Jordan = hell, yeah. Talk about someone who had to live a short difficult life threading more than one needle every damn day... that's way too many of our friends and neighbors.
I saw the Senate hearing clip also, Callie, and dang. Take it outside, grouchy white dudes. This cannot be the People's Business. Can you imagine if one or the other party wasn't a white dude...? Oh, wait, I see above re: Michigan we do not have to imagine.
I started to apologize because I didn’t mean to suggest you needed to include that in your piece-it was complete and perfect as it was, and literally, reading your response brought tears to my eyes because of your compassion and open heart.
Also, reading your essay about kneeling and cooking and trying too hard, it made me weep, and I connected deeply. Your voice is needed in this world. Thank you.
Contrapoints recently did a video for her patrons about Gamergate, which she admits *seems* like a throw-back, but reading this, I can't help but think that Gamergate really fits as the backlash movement to #MeToo.
The loss of Jezebel is so upsetting. I, for one, am keen to see some solidarity and creative thinking outside the box of Capitalism for creating a new feminist publication space... I am continuously doing my own work in my local community to figure out how to collaborate with other writers and artists so we are not constantly fighting for limited funds but instead 'mutal-aiding' our creative projects into existence.
Beautifully written. I grew up in the tumultuous’60s. Was a young married in the ‘70s. I felt all this back then but felt alone. It’s sad to see how much things have changed and yet not in so many ways. My husband understood, we raised three daughters as people not girls yet it’s difficult to break through as you so described. We , as parents , did the best we could with what we had but there is so much more we can/could do. Now I have three granddaughters and three grandsons who are being raised differently than my kids of the ‘80s. My time is short. I’m scared for the future of my grandchildren. Rage on!
One thing that I think is worth exploring is the business model side of sites like Jezebel. Why aren't sites like these sustainable financially? The Substack model is promising, but it's almost always supporting one writer, as opposed to something like Defector, which supports an entire team with editorial oversight. (I think there's room for both models.) I'm rooting for Defector to make it because I want to see it done. Maybe the indie/nonprofit journalism model, like the Colorado Sun, is another way to build the next Jezebel? Anything that doesn't involve VC mediocre men showing up and breaking it all.
The editor’s farewell statement said that she and others requested multiple meetings with new management (denied) and repeatedly requested meeting and working with ad sales staff to strategize (never happened). So how much of it is economics and how much is a willful decision to let it fail?
I wasn't aware of those efforts--even if they're just stripping sites like for parts, how did they get there, and why? I can't even begin to have the answers, but we've seen this happen enough times for it to be notable--and it sucks! So I keep wondering what could be done differently?
I am close to subscribing to Defector. I’m not a sports person but their coverage is ever-expanding and it would be worth it for the David Roth pieces alone. The problem is that with all of my substack subs and movie subs I don’t know how sustainable this is for me or any middle-income subscriber to pledge to every single individual or individual publication that they want or need to read.
Substack fatigue is definitely a thing! I keep finding cool newsletters and I don't have the mental bandwidth to add any more free ones, let alone paid. Same goes for projects like Defector. Hard agree on David Roth, btw.
+1 on avoiding VC and PE... such as Great Hill Partners for example. Apparently they felt that they'd strip-mined all the value they could get before their retrurn metrics would be hurt so it was lights out, don't let the door hit ya. That's the business model to look out for. For more on the busines model used by Private Equity and Venture Capital see: "The New Tycoons: Inside the Trillion Dollar Private Equity Industry That Owns Everything" by Jason Kelly... or watch the 1987 movie Wall St.
My great aunt died in 2021. She never married because she grew up in a time where there were strict rules about who you could be with. She was an intellectual in a family that didn’t prize education or independence. She introduced me to the arts & using the library. She was a Latin teacher, then a high school English teacher, then became a librarian. When she started to show signs of dementia she told me that the end times were coming. I just wonder what she would have thought, if she’d have known how far our country has fallen backwards since 2016. She took a poetry class in 1975. I received the folder of poems after she died. There is one poem I’d like to send you (not written by my great aunt, but someone in her class). Is there a way to send you a screenshot of that? It speaks to what you speak about.
I've often said to the well-meaning men in my life, "When men get angry, they're (seen as) masculine. When women get angry, they're (seen as) out of control." These well-meaning progressive men will trip over themselves to own up to implicit bias when the discussion is about people of color. But if I make the discussion about implicit bias toward women, I see their eyes glaze over.
Someone very smart once said: If women don't speak up, they get ignored. If they do speak up, they get punished.
Omg omg omg this so much.
for a long time I've thought that the solution to this was teaching that angry men are out of control; that there needed to be less tolerance of men's anger and not more tolerance of women's anger.
I'm starting to think I was wrong about the 2nd part.
"In that essay, I wrote, “We speak of men and their rage as if it is laudable. ‘Men just get mad and push each other and it's over,’ we say. ‘Women are just bitches; they never let it go.’ That's because we never can let it go."
Saturday night reached a head in my marriage. I've been unhappy for quite a while, mainly because of his relationship with alcohol. Wisconsin; beer culture is ev. er. y. where. Five hour drive to his yearly fishing trip? Drinking all the way. 5 hour round trip drive to and from Michigan for some stuff we can't get here? Drinking all the way. 10 minute drive back from the grocery store for a beer run? Has to crack open a beer. He keeps (kept?) a 30-pack of open beer in the backseat of his car. He used to have the back seat floor piled up with empty crushed beer cans.
"I like the taste." Yeah, you like the taste so damned much that you will mindlessly crack open a beer 10 minutes before you leave for your in-home therapy session. "They don't mind." They don't mind? THEY DON'T MIND? Do you suppose they "don't mind" because you hold EXTREME power over them and the fate of their children? Do I need to call and report you to your employer? "If that's what you need to do." Because you get caught, it doesn't just affect you. Your old white maleness is not going to save you every time. If I'm going to be left alone due to you ending up in jail or dead, I'd rather leave now and be alone on my own terms.
"So you're really not happy? You really are mad about me drinking while driving? I thought it was just a control thing because you never let it go." JFC! I never let it go because you think it's just Shirley being Shirley and she explodes and then she gets over it, but IT NEVER GETS RESOLVED!!! You choose. Your precious road beers or your marriage, because I AM DONE! His concession a few weeks ago was "OK, you're right. I don't need to open one for the ride back from the store. That one IS ridiculous." I'm sorry, how stupid do you think I am? That still leaves alllllll the other drives. There will always be a mf'ing loophole for you. It finally clicked when I once again, for the umpteenth time, stressed that his reckless behavior does not just affect him.
So, we'll see. There's no way I can verify, so it's purely on the honor system. I haven't unpacked my suitcase yet.
Keep raging, ladies.
I had 2 long live-ins and 3 marriages before one, this one, worked (24 years in; I'll be 80 in a few weeks). There's no glory in long-suffering and there's no joy like that first morning you wake up, safe and alone, and realize there's no personality you have to adjust for his fragile ego and your psychological and/or physucal safety. Sure i've beeb broke, but...except for one...i haven't been broken. Thank you for your rage on the page.
I haven't given up on him entirely, not if he's sincere. I think (hope) I really got through to him this time. We're a good fit more than we're not. I'm not expecting him to live some puritanical life devoid of any enjoyment, but can we agree that downing beer after beer while driving is not a good thing to be doing (no matter how much you claim you never catch a buzz because you say you have some superior ability to metabolize alcohol faster than one drink an hour), and one of these days it could bite you in the ass, majorly? Geez.
*Edited a typo.
Speaking only for my own circumstances, it wasn't a question of giving up on him. It was whether or not I was giving up on myself.
I get that. I was trying to explain to him that his drinking was MY problem so rather than try to force him to change, I would remove myself from the picture, and was starting to take steps to do so. If his beer is more important than his marriage, that's his choice. I'll have to wait and see where it goes from here.
I'm so sorry Shirley, and I hope things do work out. But honestly? I left my first husband who was an alcoholic, and I think you should be making some contingency plans, socking money away, and thinking about where to go if you have to leave. Do you have any friends or family that you could stay with temporarily?
I don't.
Amen, Wendy.
You deserve to be treated with respect
I think he really got it this time. My bag was packed. I said I'd take an Uber to an extended-stay hotel (the car title's in his name and it's a POS that needs replacing anyway), get a storage unit of my own, and figure it out from there. In the past he thought I wasn't serious and just blowing off steam. I never had even a rudimentary plan. I haven't entirely given up on him/us. We're a good fit for each other more than we're not, but drinking and/while driving is where I've drawn a bright red line in the sand.
I'm a pragmatist and have gone through your situation. Please... get yourself a bank account that has nothing to do with him. He doesn't have to know about it, and maybe you won't ever need it. But I've never known an alcoholic who didn't have their excuses like "have some superior ability to metabolize alcohol faster than one drink an hour." They NEED those excuses to live their life unfettered. But even if he goes to AA and gets himself clean, and you talk about everything...? Get yourself your own bank account.
I am a non-spiritual and non-religious person who found help in dealing with my alcoholic loved one in Al-Anon. It taught me how to set boundaries and how to find joy even if my loved ones continued to drink or use drugs. There are online and phone meetings as well as in-person meetings. Simply FYI. Good luck!
This is egregiously bad and you are right to be mad about it. I hope he can sort himself out, acknowledge that there is a problem, and get the help he needs before anyone gets hurt by his recklessness.
Overcoming addiction or substance dependence is not a matter of will and it is not something we can do for anyone else. I know how hard it is to love someone through this and how helpless it can feel. Please take care of yourself first. You are worth it and you deserve to be treated with respect (as AKBB said).
Thank you. Sometimes it feels like I'm taking crazy pills and blowing this out of proportion. I honestly don't think it's addiction. It's more arrogance and entitlement, which is why I have such little empathy for him in that regard. His liver panels were elevated during a physical a couple years ago and he managed to not drink at all on his doctor's advice. I didn't even notice for the first few weeks because he wasn't having any symptoms of withdrawal. It didn't stop him from going right back to the beer as soon as his liver enzymes fell back to normal, though.
"I honestly don't think it's addiction. It's more arrogance and entitlement"
It can be both. And while I hope this all works out for you, my life experience tells me that as soon as he thinks your bags are unpacked and you've settled back down, the beermobile will start back up again, just as it did when his liver enzymes settled back down.
I don't think you are blowing it out of proportion at all. Whatever it is -- addiction or arrogance/entitlement -- you are 1000% right in calling it out.
When you say that you took care of your sister but didn't have the courage to see how unhappy you were or to take your kids to D.C., please know that the courage it takes to walk everyday through the lives allotted to us by a misogynist, sometimes abusive culture should not be diminished. Everyday would have needed so much strength to get through. The very fact that you have become a truth teller and left shows you have great courage. So many women can't do it. I was able to do it but with so much help from my family. I know how very hard it was for you, and I so deeply admire you. Keep telling the truth--there are far too many naked emperors strolling around.
This broke my heart and reminded me how much I want to break shit. Thank you.
“This should not be where our anger ends, smothered by the efforts of mediocre men who insist they can’t sell ads off it. Who insist it isn’t profitable. Who tells us it’s destroying our society and harming our children.” Thank you for all of it, and especially thank you for this passage. We absolutely cannot stop. I needed this reminder.
When I was in the thick of my divorce I was castigated repeatedly by other women, women who would still to this day define themselves as feminist, for being too angry, for not compromising enough "for the good of the children" with a man who defamed me in public, attacked me in private on the rare occasion I allowed him direct access to me, and went to extraordinary lengths to punish me financially in ways that lasted for years. One woman actually suggested I mobilize "our community" to participate in a "talking circle" for us to air our grievances with each other so that we could come to some sort of peace together. Others insisted, and he insisted, that my unwillingness to go through mediation instead of the courts was emblematic of my inherent aggression and combativeness, and not based in an understanding of mediation, which can only be engaged in between parties who both approach the process in good faith. The wasband was the definition of bad faith, and found the boundaries placed upon him by me and the court system enraging. But his rage was "understandable" because I was insisting on utilizing a system that made us opponents instead of "collaborators."
Feh. I just had to ignore them all and do what I knew was right and necessary for me and our kids. I had to construct a life that was my own entirely. I own my house. I maintain my own bank accounts. I control my work choices (to the extent that one can in capitalism). And I have been largely single since my marriage ended, because I will not set myself up for the kind of rage that comes when I submit myself to relationships and institutions that are based on my being the silent, happy helpmeet. It seems from the outside like Jezebel died because it went from the brainchild of a woman to a product owned by men, which was a recipe for it to be eventually shuttered because it no longer served those males' interests. Women will only ever be served within the context of patriarchy when they control the means of their messaging, livelihood, and lives. As soon as men control things then the day when what women need is inconvenient (or unprofitable) is inevitable.
The problem with this, I can say more than 10 years out from my marriage, is that the need to be entirely self-controlled makes it very difficult to navigate asking for help or being vulnerable, which are necessities for true intimacy and connection. When patriarchy demonizes women's rage it also constricts our ability to connect and love. The rage I feel over that is simpler to feel than the incredible grief and sadness which this reality engenders.
"It seems from the outside like Jezebel died because it went from the brainchild of a woman to a product owned by men, which was a recipe for it to be eventually shuttered because it no longer served those males' interests."
I absolutely agree with this. I read Jezebel EVERY SINGLE DAY, got the newsletter, and everything. I am livid this valuable voice for women is gone and my heart hurts for those that worked there. Godspeed, ladies...
"It seems from the outside like Jezebel died because it went from the brainchild of a woman to a product owned by men, which was a recipe for it to be eventually shuttered because it no longer served those males' interests. Women will only ever be served within the context of patriarchy when they control the means of their messaging, livelihood, and lives." This.
Yes, yes. And now we can unapologetically embrace the Rage of Old Age. "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."
The trouble being that freedom can be very lonely. But then so was marriage, at least for me, so there may be little remedy for it. Living with other women helps. My housemate is one of my dearest friends, and she's much better to cohabitate with than any partner I've ever had.
Sing it louder for the people in the back 💪🏼💪🏾💪
Men are allowed both.
This sentence - "I was trying to prop up the walls of a home that was suffocating me." helped to strengthen my resolve to end my 37-year-old mostly unhappy marriage. I had tried for too many years to do just that, "prop up the walls" for a man with an incredibly horrid childhood, actually beginning with babyhood, that instilled in him an angry view of the world. A view that soon came to include me. Here's where your sentence really hits home. I tried for DECADES to caretake and heal the rage he carried, the rage that too often suffocated me and any chance for either of us to be happy. But as hard as I tried, he could not rid himself of it. After therapy, past life regression, and a host of other methodologies; I finally understood, he simply could not or would not stop being angry no matter what I did. That is - until he understood that I was truly leaving and we would never live together again. (I had left him twice and threatened to multiple times in the past.) It will still take some time to separate our lives, but I have the financial ability to do this now (injuries from accidents sufficiently healed to work again) and we both know this is finally going to happen, for good. No backsies. Knowing we would not be able to part immediately, we have been co-existing in a less than 400 sq. ft. apartment for the past 6 months and may need to until the end of this year. As you can imagine, the idea of living with an often-angry man was an extremely daunting prospect, even scary (emotionally, not physically) now he knew with a certainty that he was being left. Surprisingly and thankfully, he has matured more than I ever thought possible and 'gotten a grip'. At first, I thought he was trying to woo me back as he had in the past, not believing I would actually go. He knows now with all the preparations I have made, that I am finally going to seek my own happiness. He is a kind man in addition to being plagued with anger and told me I deserve this. Telling me for several months now that I should feel no guilt for leaving him after the way he mistreated me and I know with a certainty now, he is being sincere. I vacillated still at first (his sad eyes) but there is no doubt in either of our minds that not only is our marriage over, it is a positive thing - for BOTH of us! It has been a long haul though...
My sister is very precious to me and I honor the love and commitment you have for yours. I hope they and everyone you love are well and happy at present.
Not just the one sentence, but reading your newsletters helped me to understand so much of what I had roped myself into and that I deserved to go forth and be happy! Thank you.
Tana, you are not alone in this experience. You, however, took the initiative, and my husband decided that we should divorce. I never would have left. Because that’s not how things have ever gone in my family. You just stay… forever… until one of you dies.
I am so much more at peace now. You can do this. You will do this. This is the start of your best years yet. I speak from experience. Sending love. Feel free to connect.
Kris, thank you so much for what you have said here. I too, had the family influence to do or die in one's relationship. You just do not leave. This was one of the reasons it has taken me so long to finally leave a relationship that was obviously dysfunctional early on, despite trying and trying and trying - fruitlessly. (Much more to unpack here.)
I'm glad you are much more at peace now. I am too, even though we will still be 'roomies' for a month or two. It's working out surprisingly well though for the most part.
Thank you for your encouragement! I am resolute, but being supported helps tremendously! I will do this.
The last few days have been very hectic, not just with my marriage, but a bunch of 💩 hit people's fans and I was the one who happened to have a power hose! I would very much like to connect with you - after the weekend? Sending love from a fellow singer...
OH, do I identify with the trying and trying and trying... oy. You deserve to have a life where you are not human origami. Keep singing!
Human Origami! Funny and too true! I will be singing again tomorrow when I have the apartment to myself. As a bird lover, I think you will appreciate that my 34 year old umbrella cockatoo (had her since she was an egg) loves to sing along with me. I always have known too, that my life is not complete without a dog (or two) at my side. Apparently we are sympatico!
I had a cockatiel for 10 years. Today is the anniversary of her death, 8 years ago. Lilah was very smart and funny. She had quite a few words, and would bob her head and say yes and good girl. She also would wolf whistle and whistle the Ride of the Valkyries (it was a ring tone for a long time). She loved to sit on top of my head. The Plaza Hotel in Rehoboth has birds, and the sun conures are so sweet. My good friend Rachael has a 27 year old African Grey. He’s not quite as friendly as a cockatoo can be, FOR SURE.
When I started it, didn't expect my comment to be so long! wow...
And I am so grateful for it!
I'm furious that I have two nephews who are currently risking their lives fighting in or near Gaza.
And I'm furious that an immediate cease-fire means leaving Gaza run by the same people who, knowing what the cost would be to their own civilian population, chose to kill and kidnap 1400+ Israelis, mostly civilians, slaughtering them in their homes, on the streets of their neighborhoods, and the grounds of their music festivals - and who would do it again if they saw the opportunity.
And I'm furious that Hamas cynically hides behind and under its own civilian population, forcing Israel to make that terrible choice.
And I'm furious at all of the people, in Israel, America, the Persian Gulf, and around the world who avoided that choice all this time with the thought that Gaza was a problem they could "manage" instead of a crisis they needed somehow, desperately to solve.
I was going to respond but now I see that the comment was removed. It's true that Israel-Gaza was not the point of Lyz' post, but she mentioned it, so that was the part I was responding to.
Thank you all - Lyz on out - for the support. It means a lot, and it's why I appreciate participating in this community.
Wendy, I'm not sure what you mean. What is happening in Gaza and Israel now is between an utterly repressive, misogynist Hamas regime in Gaza and a Israeli government that has been drifting steadily more towards the right-wing and religious-nationalist elements that have, themselves, become more focused on gender roles and assorted issues in recent years.
In that context, there is maybe an analogy to be drawn between the pent-up frustration that Lyz' essay describes and the modality - on both sides - of "managing" the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in ways that entrench an untenable and unacceptable status quo at the expense of innocent people on both sides but (who would have thought!) solidify the power of the people in charge. That's really what I was trying to get at.
This is such a thoughtful reply. Thank you and I mean it. I truly value your contributions
I do agree that there is plenty of blame to go around, and since I am an American and vote and pay U.S. taxes, I am most furious with our politicians. I am also furious that it seems most of the Israeli victims were kibbutzniks, who are the best of the country, and not part of the extreme right wing who do everything they can to sabotage any peace agreement.
I think there is room for all of our rage here and Avraham is expressing his in an honest way. And I appreciate his contributions to this community. And I encourage people not to use their rage to attack others who are not the enemy here. Thank you ❤️
I think there is space here for Avraham's fury. I appreciate his contributions and I learn from what he shares here.
I am going to remove all comments that attack others in this space. We can hold all thoughts and complications. And we need to assume the best of each other here. People who comment are members of this community and while we can and will disagree let’s not attack each other. We all want the same things here…a more just society.
The comment is on-topic for the newsletter because it shares a personal perspective on something specifically referenced (see excerpt below) and I do not think it is fair to interpret it as a reprimand. His rage is substantial and so is the rage that Lyz wrote about today.
An excerpt from the newsletter: "Right now, in America, outrage and protests against the killing of civilians in Gaza are slowly, painfully shifting the Overton window on Middle East policy. Our collective rage over injustice is making us take action — to pick up the phones, to once again fill the streets. And it makes a difference."
Thanks Beau.
"The politicians who wrote and complained to my bosses and the same progressives who sat by and watched it happen."
Complacency on the left will be the death of us.
The tendency by many men on the Left to choose their identity as "good guys" over the actual needs of women has been and will continue to be the death of women.
Sexual infidelity has been the black hole where we were allowed to deposit our rage, conveniently including "the other woman" in the retaliation...and distracting us from the invasive cancer of political/philosophical infidelity.
So tired of progressives only pushing enough to get elected.
And/or fear-monger their way into collecting lots of campaign dollars while doing NOTHING with the emotional capital, win or lose, beyond extortion in the next cycle.
Yes. Tired.
I'm reading this as Morning Mika is reporting on Kevin McCarthy getting elbowed and Bernie Sanders reigning in a blustering senator. I have long believed there are entire industries aimed at keeping people, especially women, and people fighting for civil rights, from boiling over. I feel like many religions, including non-religions like New Age spirituality, all ask the impossible. Turn the other cheek - and maybe the origins of that are grounded in something good, but I think, to overuse an overused term, that this has been weaponized in the service of a power structure that is fighting hard to stay in place. Kaepernick and taking a knee, Black Lives Matter, and other peaceful movements have also not passed muster. The extreme reaction to Critical Race Theory and feminism in all its manifestations are examples as well.
If we all raged the way white conservatives rage about being made to account for their racism and sexism, it could get interesting. I think of June Jordan, and the line from her poem, "Poem About Police Violence"
Tell me something
what you think would happen if
every time they kill a black boy
then we kill a cop
every time they kill a black man
then we kill a cop
you think the accident rate would lower
subsequently?"
I also think of her poem titled, "Poem About My Rights." Jordan did not put a cap on her rage - she expressed it, and I feel like this newsletter of yours is another expression. Thank you.
YES. And a lot of that teaching women to control and bottle rage is passed on through not just media but therapy. This discussion reminds me of the therapist I had 10 years ago who was very helpful in several ways but who also was very invested in helping me diffuse my rage instead of harnessing it, and while yeah I think I needed it it may be counterproductive in the long run because (waves hand) all this.
June Jordan = hell, yeah. Talk about someone who had to live a short difficult life threading more than one needle every damn day... that's way too many of our friends and neighbors.
I saw the Senate hearing clip also, Callie, and dang. Take it outside, grouchy white dudes. This cannot be the People's Business. Can you imagine if one or the other party wasn't a white dude...? Oh, wait, I see above re: Michigan we do not have to imagine.
This meant so much to me today.
Also, intersectionality with disabled. I’ll leave it there.
Thank you so much for being part of this community ❤️ sending you so much love and support
I started to apologize because I didn’t mean to suggest you needed to include that in your piece-it was complete and perfect as it was, and literally, reading your response brought tears to my eyes because of your compassion and open heart.
Also, reading your essay about kneeling and cooking and trying too hard, it made me weep, and I connected deeply. Your voice is needed in this world. Thank you.
well, even if you did have criticisms of the piece, that's fine too!. Your voice is necessary too. Thank you for the kind words!
Contrapoints recently did a video for her patrons about Gamergate, which she admits *seems* like a throw-back, but reading this, I can't help but think that Gamergate really fits as the backlash movement to #MeToo.
The loss of Jezebel is so upsetting. I, for one, am keen to see some solidarity and creative thinking outside the box of Capitalism for creating a new feminist publication space... I am continuously doing my own work in my local community to figure out how to collaborate with other writers and artists so we are not constantly fighting for limited funds but instead 'mutal-aiding' our creative projects into existence.
Beautifully written. I grew up in the tumultuous’60s. Was a young married in the ‘70s. I felt all this back then but felt alone. It’s sad to see how much things have changed and yet not in so many ways. My husband understood, we raised three daughters as people not girls yet it’s difficult to break through as you so described. We , as parents , did the best we could with what we had but there is so much more we can/could do. Now I have three granddaughters and three grandsons who are being raised differently than my kids of the ‘80s. My time is short. I’m scared for the future of my grandchildren. Rage on!
One thing that I think is worth exploring is the business model side of sites like Jezebel. Why aren't sites like these sustainable financially? The Substack model is promising, but it's almost always supporting one writer, as opposed to something like Defector, which supports an entire team with editorial oversight. (I think there's room for both models.) I'm rooting for Defector to make it because I want to see it done. Maybe the indie/nonprofit journalism model, like the Colorado Sun, is another way to build the next Jezebel? Anything that doesn't involve VC mediocre men showing up and breaking it all.
The editor’s farewell statement said that she and others requested multiple meetings with new management (denied) and repeatedly requested meeting and working with ad sales staff to strategize (never happened). So how much of it is economics and how much is a willful decision to let it fail?
I wasn't aware of those efforts--even if they're just stripping sites like for parts, how did they get there, and why? I can't even begin to have the answers, but we've seen this happen enough times for it to be notable--and it sucks! So I keep wondering what could be done differently?
I am close to subscribing to Defector. I’m not a sports person but their coverage is ever-expanding and it would be worth it for the David Roth pieces alone. The problem is that with all of my substack subs and movie subs I don’t know how sustainable this is for me or any middle-income subscriber to pledge to every single individual or individual publication that they want or need to read.
Substack fatigue is definitely a thing! I keep finding cool newsletters and I don't have the mental bandwidth to add any more free ones, let alone paid. Same goes for projects like Defector. Hard agree on David Roth, btw.
+1 on avoiding VC and PE... such as Great Hill Partners for example. Apparently they felt that they'd strip-mined all the value they could get before their retrurn metrics would be hurt so it was lights out, don't let the door hit ya. That's the business model to look out for. For more on the busines model used by Private Equity and Venture Capital see: "The New Tycoons: Inside the Trillion Dollar Private Equity Industry That Owns Everything" by Jason Kelly... or watch the 1987 movie Wall St.
My great aunt died in 2021. She never married because she grew up in a time where there were strict rules about who you could be with. She was an intellectual in a family that didn’t prize education or independence. She introduced me to the arts & using the library. She was a Latin teacher, then a high school English teacher, then became a librarian. When she started to show signs of dementia she told me that the end times were coming. I just wonder what she would have thought, if she’d have known how far our country has fallen backwards since 2016. She took a poetry class in 1975. I received the folder of poems after she died. There is one poem I’d like to send you (not written by my great aunt, but someone in her class). Is there a way to send you a screenshot of that? It speaks to what you speak about.
Eclenz at gmail
I'd love to read it, too! Could you post it somewhere public, please?
Amen and amen!
Thank you. Hope and fight for a better future for our daughters and granddaughters!