I had zero appreciation for this show nor any interest but the points you outline make the show more relevant and thought provoking than I’d have believed.
I watched it because I am chronically online and I remember when the "soft swinging" scandal came out and I'm always interested in shows that deal (either on purpose or accidentally) with issues of religion and women and motherhood. But phew, I thought the first season was a bummer and this one is even more of a bummer. I also think there is a point to be made about the soft power of heteronormative culture-conforming beauty, but maybe that's a whole different essay.
Most men are raised with overdeveloped egos. I personally know a physician, subspecialist, making nearly $700k a year, whose husband has been cheating on her for years, she discovered recently. He had credentials to work but chose to mostly not work, stay at home and help raise the kids. While also tending to a number of affairs, apparently. But somehow she ended up doing most of the housework and being blamed for the lack of romance in their relationship. Of course religion also yielded him 51% of the “household vote” which in this marriage is absurd. She’s finally had it and the divorce should be final soon.
I was forced (pestered, berated, bible-versed) into my first marriage at a stupidly young age because my mother pronounced, after I started sharing an apartment with a boyfriend, that I was living in sin and would go to hell if I didn't get married.
On my own, I was no longer religious, but it can take (has taken) a lifetime to remove those hooks. Even so, I went to church with her when I'd visit, and she would surprise me with humiliating "counseling" sessions with her pastor who would refuse me communion because that was for someone seeking forgiveness and I couldn't do that while still living in sin. And, oh yeah, I was going to hell. If I agreed to go to church when she visited me (without stepping foot in my Den of Satan), she'd give that church my name and contact information without telling me, and they'd show up later on my doorstep.
So, I got married. She had nothing to do with planning. (The closest she came to that was sneering that the Wedding March should never be played in a church.) She wasn't there when I bought my dress. I could swear she was at my bridal shower, but I don't see her in any of the photos. I'm her only daughter. She was so hell-bent on saving my soul but had nothing to do with the thing she insisted would do that.
When, four years later, that husband -- and supposed savior of my soul -- hit me, I called my mother to ask for help. She told me to submit to my husband.
I tried to watch that show, but I don't think I made it 10 minutes in before I had to shut it off. I'm not dismissing it as silly or frivolous, though. I think it's important to hold it up to the light and see what's there. I'm just glad that you do that so well and I don't have to.
Girl. I am glad you’re out. And there is no shame in not wanting to retraumatize yourself with that show. Sorry that you didn’t have a mom that could see you..
First time commenter, long time reader. I generally love your insights about all the things, particularly the dinguses (dingi?). But I'm wrestling with how to respond to this article without defending the religion I'm part of--despite my deep frustration with it's patriarchal structure--while also pointing out the very surface-level understanding the Mormon Wives have of the religion they practice, if only culturally in some cases. Or, at least that's the "reality" the network chooses to portray. I won't argue that these women weren't taught they were supposed to be submissive to their husbands, but I will argue that they were taught wrong by men and women mired in the cultural beliefs of Mormonism formed by humans living in patriarchal societies. The doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (I know it's long, but that's the actual name of the church) includes belief in the equal partnership of a Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother who are co-creators. Without going down a rabbit hole of why this isn't taught clearly or often enough in our church or why a Mormon woman who is a breadwinner would mistakenly believe she has to be submissive to her husband, and without getting into their problematic portrayal of wealth as a blessing from God, or the other things that have nothing to do with Mormonism but literally made me gag when I watched this show, I will point out that the same religion that produced the Mormon Wives also produced Pulitizer-prize winner Laurel Thatcher Ulrich who wrote the book, Well-behaved Women Seldom Make History, but isn't often credited when people share that quote. If I had the space, I could list a hundred other Mormon women who "misbehaved." Mormonism has a long history of strong women who have bucked against--and are still fighting--patriarchy, both inside and outside of the Church. At the same time, it has had, and will always have, women who keep the system in place; women who feel constrained by something, but can't name it and so don't speak about it; women who seek power over others by playing a submissive role to powerful men; and women who will tear each other down rather than fighting the system that encourages them to do so. But this is true of every group of people, whether they're part of a religious, social, or political organization or some other group. It's not unique to Mormonism or, as you call it, "an extremist religion." I can't argue that religious organizations--including my own--aren't playing a role in suppressing rights, only that those religious organizations are made up of a diversity of women with a diversity of thought and practice that a reality TV show could never accurately portray.
I appreciate you sharing your perspective—thank you! I was raised Catholic on the east coast, and while I have done a deep dive into various aspects of evangelicalism, I don’t know much about the tenets of the LDS.
These days, it seems EVERY religion and belief system is extremist, so I get you. I would actually like to meet a “real” Christian who doesn’t wreak havoc on others in the name of god and who actually “loves one another” as Jesus instructed.
I was a litigator before I retired, so I never entertained myself by watching or reading anything involving conflict. (There are three decades of movies that aren’t about Obi Wan Kenobi or Jane Austen novels that I have never watched because I couldn’t stand seeing anyone argue on screen. If it wasn’t animated and it had a contemporary setting I was never going to voluntarily see any of it.) That said, I really appreciate Lyz’s analysis of this spectacle. These things are culturally important and it is vital that someone who isn’t a wingnut explain what they signify and analyze the problems they describe. Thank you!
"Americans love a TV show that reveals the depths of patriarchy without ever naming the villain." Oof.
Golden Bachelor, I'm looking at you. (I also watch these shows.)
And now we said it!
I had zero appreciation for this show nor any interest but the points you outline make the show more relevant and thought provoking than I’d have believed.
I watched it because I am chronically online and I remember when the "soft swinging" scandal came out and I'm always interested in shows that deal (either on purpose or accidentally) with issues of religion and women and motherhood. But phew, I thought the first season was a bummer and this one is even more of a bummer. I also think there is a point to be made about the soft power of heteronormative culture-conforming beauty, but maybe that's a whole different essay.
And these things make for a great essay too- what do they say about our culture?
Most men are raised with overdeveloped egos. I personally know a physician, subspecialist, making nearly $700k a year, whose husband has been cheating on her for years, she discovered recently. He had credentials to work but chose to mostly not work, stay at home and help raise the kids. While also tending to a number of affairs, apparently. But somehow she ended up doing most of the housework and being blamed for the lack of romance in their relationship. Of course religion also yielded him 51% of the “household vote” which in this marriage is absurd. She’s finally had it and the divorce should be final soon.
Good for your friend!
The environment these women are living in is DARK.
I was forced (pestered, berated, bible-versed) into my first marriage at a stupidly young age because my mother pronounced, after I started sharing an apartment with a boyfriend, that I was living in sin and would go to hell if I didn't get married.
On my own, I was no longer religious, but it can take (has taken) a lifetime to remove those hooks. Even so, I went to church with her when I'd visit, and she would surprise me with humiliating "counseling" sessions with her pastor who would refuse me communion because that was for someone seeking forgiveness and I couldn't do that while still living in sin. And, oh yeah, I was going to hell. If I agreed to go to church when she visited me (without stepping foot in my Den of Satan), she'd give that church my name and contact information without telling me, and they'd show up later on my doorstep.
So, I got married. She had nothing to do with planning. (The closest she came to that was sneering that the Wedding March should never be played in a church.) She wasn't there when I bought my dress. I could swear she was at my bridal shower, but I don't see her in any of the photos. I'm her only daughter. She was so hell-bent on saving my soul but had nothing to do with the thing she insisted would do that.
When, four years later, that husband -- and supposed savior of my soul -- hit me, I called my mother to ask for help. She told me to submit to my husband.
I tried to watch that show, but I don't think I made it 10 minutes in before I had to shut it off. I'm not dismissing it as silly or frivolous, though. I think it's important to hold it up to the light and see what's there. I'm just glad that you do that so well and I don't have to.
Girl. I am glad you’re out. And there is no shame in not wanting to retraumatize yourself with that show. Sorry that you didn’t have a mom that could see you..
First time commenter, long time reader. I generally love your insights about all the things, particularly the dinguses (dingi?). But I'm wrestling with how to respond to this article without defending the religion I'm part of--despite my deep frustration with it's patriarchal structure--while also pointing out the very surface-level understanding the Mormon Wives have of the religion they practice, if only culturally in some cases. Or, at least that's the "reality" the network chooses to portray. I won't argue that these women weren't taught they were supposed to be submissive to their husbands, but I will argue that they were taught wrong by men and women mired in the cultural beliefs of Mormonism formed by humans living in patriarchal societies. The doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (I know it's long, but that's the actual name of the church) includes belief in the equal partnership of a Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother who are co-creators. Without going down a rabbit hole of why this isn't taught clearly or often enough in our church or why a Mormon woman who is a breadwinner would mistakenly believe she has to be submissive to her husband, and without getting into their problematic portrayal of wealth as a blessing from God, or the other things that have nothing to do with Mormonism but literally made me gag when I watched this show, I will point out that the same religion that produced the Mormon Wives also produced Pulitizer-prize winner Laurel Thatcher Ulrich who wrote the book, Well-behaved Women Seldom Make History, but isn't often credited when people share that quote. If I had the space, I could list a hundred other Mormon women who "misbehaved." Mormonism has a long history of strong women who have bucked against--and are still fighting--patriarchy, both inside and outside of the Church. At the same time, it has had, and will always have, women who keep the system in place; women who feel constrained by something, but can't name it and so don't speak about it; women who seek power over others by playing a submissive role to powerful men; and women who will tear each other down rather than fighting the system that encourages them to do so. But this is true of every group of people, whether they're part of a religious, social, or political organization or some other group. It's not unique to Mormonism or, as you call it, "an extremist religion." I can't argue that religious organizations--including my own--aren't playing a role in suppressing rights, only that those religious organizations are made up of a diversity of women with a diversity of thought and practice that a reality TV show could never accurately portray.
I appreciate you sharing your perspective—thank you! I was raised Catholic on the east coast, and while I have done a deep dive into various aspects of evangelicalism, I don’t know much about the tenets of the LDS.
These days, it seems EVERY religion and belief system is extremist, so I get you. I would actually like to meet a “real” Christian who doesn’t wreak havoc on others in the name of god and who actually “loves one another” as Jesus instructed.
I read a great memoir about a woman who left the LDS church that tore open the curtain on her life. The thing is it’s all about a guy named Joe.
Also sold lingerie in Orem. The racier the quicker the merch turned and gave me reorders. Black and red lace garters!!
I was a litigator before I retired, so I never entertained myself by watching or reading anything involving conflict. (There are three decades of movies that aren’t about Obi Wan Kenobi or Jane Austen novels that I have never watched because I couldn’t stand seeing anyone argue on screen. If it wasn’t animated and it had a contemporary setting I was never going to voluntarily see any of it.) That said, I really appreciate Lyz’s analysis of this spectacle. These things are culturally important and it is vital that someone who isn’t a wingnut explain what they signify and analyze the problems they describe. Thank you!
I feel the same. There's more than enough trauma available for free on the news, why would I spend my money, time or precious mental health on more?