Dingus of the week: Carrie Underwood

Also, et tu, Snoop?

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This week, Carrie Underwood announced that she would be singing at the inauguration of Donald Trump. To which, millions of people replied, “Wait, she’s still around?”

On Bluesky, someone posting under the name of Covie quipped, “In honor of carrie underwood performing at that man’s inauguration I am going to continue my tradition of never listening to carrie underwood’s music.”

And that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?

Carrie Underwood hasn’t been relevant since 2005, when she had her one hit, which was literally about hitting things. In this case, digging her keys into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive, carving her name into his leather seats, and taking a Louisville Slugger to both headlights.

Beyond that, the much-parodied “Jesus Take the Wheel” and liking a tweet by Matt Walsh that criticized masks in schools, her career has been floundering.

Performing at Trump’s inauguration is an attempt at relevance for a career devoid of any recent highlights. And from here on out, she can claim any decline in sales or criticism is the result of “woke liberal cancel culture” rather than her failure to produce much in the way of interesting music.¹

Listen, are you mediocre or is it all that woke ideology that demands you actually be good at your job? Is your music uninspired, or is it all those immigrants trying to take over your country singing career? Are you being overlooked because you haven’t done anything new or original in years or is it all those DEI hires?

Did the wokes crash your car and make your wife divorce you and make your cat bisexual? Well, if you become a country singer you might be entitled to financial compensation.

It’s a play we’ve seen many men make — Luke Bryant, Pete Hegseth, Jason Aldean, Tony Hinchcliffe — and honestly, it’s nice to see Carrie Underwood competing so effectively in such a male-dominated field.

And I am sure it's a great gig if you can get it. Be mediocre, blame woke culture for your lack of success, wash, rinse, repeat.

In my darker moments, when I’m struggling to run this newsletter, pay my bills, pay my editor/fact-checker, write books, be a good parent, be a good friend, volunteer in my community, and freelance, I wonder how much more lucrative it would be to throw off my feminism, dye my hair blond, marry a Republican, and go on FoxNews renouncing my shrewish ways.

This American Ex-Wife turns into this Good Christian Second Wife! But, alas, ask anyone I’ve ever dated, I’ve never been good at faking it² and I look terrible as a blonde, so here I must persist.

Also, please become a paying subscriber to this newsletter so I don’t have to do a full Carrie Underwood.

On The View, Whoopi Goldberg stated that it’s Underwood’s right to perform where she pleases, and it is. But that’s also such an anodyne statement, much like saying, “The wind has a right to blow” as it’s tearing down your house. Sure, the wind has a right to blow, and Carrie Underwood has a right to suck. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

View co-host Alyssa Farah Griffin (who held several roles in the previous Trump administration) also voiced support for Underwood, saying she hopes "we're moving beyond the era of politics where we want to cancel people's livelihoods because we don't like their politics.”

I mean, Alyssa, is it really cancel culture if people say, “Hey, I don’t like this”?

Is it cancel culture or are people just asking you not to support a man who was found liable for sexual abuse?

Is it cancel culture or are people just saying, “Maybe don’t, with your full career, endorse a man who perpetuated lies to try to overturn an election?

And if you are wondering, Wait, what about the Carrie Underwood who sang “Love Wins”? Well, companies, corporations, and people grasping for relevance are always ready to follow the fickle cultural trends that shift around us. Unfortunately, justice and equality are actual moral values, not brand marketing. And when they marketing, they are easy to cast off the second adhering to those values becomes a little tricky.

In a very astute essay for Defector, Alex Sujong Laughlin wrote about influencers pivoting to full MAGA. In that analysis, Alex observed, “This shift I'm noticing is not among the politics buffs and Reagan fangirls, but among the particular population of white women who would otherwise sit these discussions out — many of the same women who felt compelled to post black squares on Instagram in 2020 and buy out their local Black-owned bookstores. The fear of being exposed is gone, and in its place: comfort, even confidence. As annoying as I found the social media antics of 2020, I think I prefer them to this.”

In response to the criticism, Carrie Underwood stated, “I love our country and am honored to have been asked to sing at the Inauguration and to be a small part of this historic event. I am humbled to answer the call at a time when we must all come together in the spirit of unity and looking to the future.”

Yes, the unity of coming together with Donald Trump to share in those American values of hard work, xenophobia, homophobia, and a little misogyny as a treat.

But it is Carrie Underwood’s God-given American right to make a complete dingus of herself.

And I for one, look forward to her next album titled Before He Cheats (Oops, Too Late), which will include the hit songs:

• I’m Gonna Love You (As I Vote to Take Away Your Right to an Abortion)

• Jesus Take the Wheel Because That Man is Seriously Invading Greenland WTF?

• Leave a Light On at the Department of Justice

• That Song We Used to Slash Entitlements to

• Hate Wins³

Breaking news: While I was writing this, CNN reported that Snoop Dogg is rumored to be the headliner at a crypto-ball to celebrate Trump’s swearing in. Not only do none of those words appear in the Holy Scriptures, but also, et tu, Snoop?! I was really loving his rebrand as the genial meme uncle supporter of women’s sports.

Did you not have enough money, Snoop? I buy your pretty decently mediocre wine. And I will buy more! Do you need us to buy your Snoop and Martha branded Bic lighters? I’ll buy your weed! I mean, I am going to buy weed, might as well be yours, Snoop. Is the money really that good? I’m sure Big Marth could front you some cash if you need it that badly. Who is next? LL Cool J? Ashlee Simpson? Jamie Lynne Spears? Will Avril Lavigne’s body double!?

Runner-Up: Populism

This week, I fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous, of course, is “never get involved in a land war in Asia.” But only slightly less well-known is this: “Never read a David Brooks column.”

I have not gotten involved in a war besides the culture wars. My blunder was reading a David Brooks column. And what struck me was how he decried the liberal elites for being so out of touch that they’d actually ask Pete Hegseth about sexual assault allegations. NAY! Argued Brooks, they needed to focus on the fact that Hegseth is a populist.

Which, okay, what does populism mean now? Unqualified and allegedly a little rapey? Does populism mean “Bad at your job in every way but good enough to oversee actual wars?”

Anyway, that reminded me of the time Joyce Carol Oates murdered David Brooks in broad daylight.

And one more thing…

The Washington Post, which has been leaking an arterial spray of talent, changed its tagline from “Democracy Dies in Darkness” to "Riveting Storytelling for All of America."

Which is such a tell. Because, like, you are gonna be the fourth estate and say you are a cultural good, but also you are just smol beans who tell little stories?

So, RIP Democracy. Democracy dies with Bezos. Democracy dies with billionaires. Democracy dies with oligarchy. Democracy dies in dingusness.

And now for something good

It’s complicated and this doesn’t erase the devastation but there is a tentative ceasefire in the war in Gaza.

With Anita Bryant’s entry into hell (just kidding, I don’t believe in any hell except for the hell of Trumps inauguration lineup), I have learned a lot about Bob Hope and how he feuded with Bryant and became a champion for gay rights.

Will TikTok end on Sunday? Who can say? But the funniest thing is that in response Americans are downloading more Chinese apps. I love this country because Americans cannot be defeated, we will simply print out all our data history and drop it off at the Chinese Embassy rather than log off. In response, Chinese people are welcoming American’s to their apps with very very hilarious videos. (Thank you to newsletter friend Caitlin who sent me this link)

I simply imagine my Chinese spy weeping as she misses my daily TikTok diet of exhausted mom content, bean salads, and Luigi Mangione memes.

Governor Inslee is strengthening abortion protections.

Biden created two new national monuments, which will further protect native lands.

And once again, we continue to be the good in the world. I’ve been so encouraged at the way people are pitching in and helping out their neighbors, even as systems and politicians fail us. Anne Helen Petersen listed ways to help fire victims in her newsletter.

What I am enjoying

This week, I read two really incredible books Zeal by Morgan Jerkins and Physical Education by Casey Johnston, and I began Dry Season by Melissa Febos.

And it reminds me that even in a world on fire, how women keep writing, keep creating, keep telling their truths. In a world that is designed to make women afraid to participate in public life, we keep showing up.

1. It’s worth noting that I am actually a big fan of Carrie Underwood’s and I really like some of her songs. This doesn’t mean her work is good. Probably the opposite. I have terrible taste.

2. Sorry, mom.

3. Thank you to my friend Anna Marsh for this list of jokey Carrie Underwood songs. It takes a village. And I will be buying Anna a nice meal next time I see her.