Three Women on Why They Won’t Get Married

An increasing number of women are not interested in married, and that’s a good thing

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After I ended my 12-year marriage in 2018, I decided that unless the health insurance marketplace collapsed, I didn’t want to marry ever again. While I believe in love, community, and companionship, all of which are possible without marriage, I am no longer willing to compromise my career, kids, or freedom for an institution that is not designed for my freedom or happiness.

And then I quit dating apps.

My divestment from romance culture has been unsettling for some friends and family members, who assure me that it just takes time and I shouldn’t give up. One friend, after trying to set me up with someone, said in frustration, “You are too hard for men to date, because you don’t need them!”

But rejection of marriage is not at its core, a rejection of men.

I do date. I just think app culture makes me mean, shallow, and dismissive. Also, at the risk of sounding like Mitt Romney, I’ve got binders full of men! I love all the male-identifying friends in my running groups; my brothers; my neighbors; writers I know and love, who offer me advice and friendship. They aren’t in my life because they can fix a faucet (respectfully, I am not sure many of them can), but because they’re enjoyable to be around. Because they are friends.

My personal rejection of marriage is a rejection of the ways that our culture has institutionalized and financially incentivized the unpaid labor of women. Even the most generous interpretation of the gender divide data shows that women still do more of the unpaid labor of holding together marriages and family.

I am not alone.

A 2022 Pew survey of single adults showed only 34% of single women were looking for romance, compared with 54% of single men. Those numbers were down from 38% and 61% in 2019. And that gap is wider for women in my age bracket who have been married at least once. 71% of single women age 40+ are not interested in dating/relationships, compared with 42% of single men in the same age bracket.

This is a huge shift in American culture. For centuries, women married out of duty, financial necessity, and religious adherence. Until the late 1970s, laws and policies made it impossible for single women to own their own homes, take out lines of credit, or even hold many jobs. But now, as women eclipse men in employment, college graduation rates, and home ownership, the balance of power is shifting. No longer do women need men to have children, homes, and stability. And this shift is uncomfortable. We can feel it in the lament of op-eds and essays in places like The Atlantic and the Wall Street Journal, wondering why women are “giving up.”

Such articles overlook a couple of things: 1. The rise of red-pill misogyny and influencers like Andrew Tate. 2. Political differences, with men tending to be more conservative. Nowhere is the cultural shift more painful than in the nastiness of our politics as lawmakers work to take reproductive and healthcare rights from women and LGBTQ people. The regression in social, political and personal freedom is a direct result of the growing alienation of men.

None of this is helped by the commercialization of the dating market and the resulting enshittification of the market with AI bots, phishing scams, and swiping culture.

As women pull back from the heterosexual marketplace, critics are wondering what to do about all the boys and men who are feeling disenfranchised and lost. And it’s fascinating to compare the data showing it’s largely women opting out with the narrative of the manosphere, which insists men are choosing not to date “low-value” women.

In a Reddit thread about the rise of women opting out of dating and marriage, one commenter said:

I've been single/ celibate since 2014 and have no desire to date or marry anymore in 2025. I own a business, I travel, and I'm at peace. I refuse to deal with anyone who voted against my body autonomy and human rights. I'm not dealing with men anymore nor in the present or future they drain women of time, resources, and energy never pouring into women fully — selfishly taking from women until there's nothing left.

That comment is echoed in replies to the thread, many saying they are simply not willing to compromise on their happiness or partner with someone who rejects their humanity by espousing right-wing ideology.

In another thread, a commenter pointed out:

There is no benefit to dating now. I haven’t dated since 2018, and I don’t see myself dating anytime soon. It’s far too risky with little to no reward: I get to go on a date where I have to watch my drink, vet the guy for honesty in what he’s telling me, worry about sexual assault, worry about the potential of being killed, worry about whether he’s an incel, deal with him probably being intimidated by my degrees/job, deal with him probably wanting sex on the first date (emphatic no), and I probably get to pay 50/50 for this magical date.

On balance, I think this shift is a good thing. Despite the seismic cultural changes and resulting backlash, this new reality is forcing Americans to reimagine what happiness and companionship look like and what it means to be human in an inhuman age.

I asked three writers —

Minda Honey

,

Shani Silver

, and

Glynnis MacNicol

— about why they are staying single. All have written deeply about love, relationships, and freedom.

When I was in my 20s and agonizing over my future, my agent told me in no uncertain terms that some people are born the marrying kind, and some are … not. Sort of like how some people are, for instance, born swimmers and others are born runners … more a matter of genetics than choice.

At the time, she had been married for many years, and I took great comfort in her conviction and lack of judgment. Twenty-plus years later, I can relay to you that, in my own experience, this has proven true! I have many friends who are built for marriage, and many who, like me, are decidedly not.

Presumably, this has always been the case.

I think often of Gail Collins' lament in her rollicking survey of American women, America's Women: 400 Years of Dolls, Drudges, Helpmates, and Heroines, that we don't know how women dealt with their periods for most of history because they either were not taught how to write, or were ashamed to record this experience. I believe the same applies to our understanding of marriage.

I assume that for most of history many, many, many women did not want to marry, but simply had no choice. We just don't know about all of them because they were unable, or unwilling, to tell us.

Which is to say, women not wanting to marry is not a new phenomenon. What is new, is that we live in a world (for now, at least) where, the "decidedly nots" are able to function, nay, flourish, outside of marriage. We are simply choosing an option that for all of history until now, most women could only fantasize about. Here's looking forward to the day we learn to celebrate (in ways financial, as well as cultural) this reality.

–

Glynnis MacNicol

, author of I’m Mostly Here to Enjoy Myself and No One Tells You This. Glynnis also writes the newsletter Good Decisions.

Why don't I want to get married? Until November 5, 2024, I would have told you I do want to get married. I thoroughly like the idea of sharing my life and making a home together with a man who views me as an equal, who is as emotionally invested in me as I am in him, and who I also want to touch all the time. I want a romantic partnership with a man because I'm a heterosexual woman and that's allowed. The problem is that we're living in a political maelstrom and we don't know which way that bitch is spinning on any given day. Further, a completely unchecked faction of terrible guys with podcast microphones and advertising revenue streams needed shit to talk about and they found that young men will drive their audience numbers up if they talk about dominating and harnessing women for services rendered as if we're little more than livestock. That shit worked. Listeners commit themselves to these messages of fantasized entitlement with such fervor that I can't help but think there's something innate being revealed about men's genuine opinions of women. They don't want to love, they want to command, and not in a sexy way — in an abusive way, with legal backing. Forgive me if I'm not turned on.

I no longer want to get married because now I'm afraid that being married isn't that different from being confined. And I don't trust these generations of men not to abuse the power that marriage and this screaming toddler of an administration will give them. I want a romantic relationship with a man, but I can't find an unpoisoned man. But it's too dangerous to marry any man anyway. It's one way to stay safe, I guess.

–

Shani Silver

is the author of A Single Revolution and writes Cheaper Than Therapy, a newsletter for 80s babies, and the newsletter Hey, Shani, a positivity-free advice column.

Living through a cultural schism is not easy. Our parents raised us to expect husbands, feminism taught us to want partners and many of us have yet to receive either as societal norms continue to lag behind our standards.

And instead of a focus on closing the gap, manosphere influencers are false-flagging women as the source of men’s feelings of inadequacy and laws are being passed to limit women’s reproductive justice in an attempt to force us back into subservience.

Honestly, it’s heartbreaking for both men and women that so many of us will remain unpartnered not by choice but by lack of choice, and still, I remain proud that the women of my generation have found a way to grieve our lost fairy tales, move forward toward unknown futures and have learned to locate our happiness elsewhere because this is our one wild and precious life.

–

Minda Honey

, author of The Heartbreak Years and the newsletter MID, about being midlife and mid-career. I also loved Minda’s interview on “It’s Been a Minute” about this same topic.