I'm nearly 71 yo and I don't remember a second - a mere second - of my first 65 years not chafing under the constraints of the patriarchy. I gave that up when I retired and I want women everywhere to know . . .
Lyz, I'm 72, divorced since my 20s. The other day, walking my dog, a man asked me if I lived with family. No husband? Why? I have been asked that by neighbors, every repairman who's come into my apt, and many strangers. I can't believe how shocked men can be--in 2024-- by a woman who chooses her own company.
I've been divorced so long now that I can only remember what I thought I was getting out of being married in the most academic and intellectual way. There's nothing emotionally compelling about the notion at all. Raise a family together? Thanks, but my kids are grown and I don't want to raise yours. Cohabitate? No, thank you. But you can live next door, maybe. Combine finances? Not a snowballs chance in hell. So, what's the point of legal marriage for me, like, ever again?
I'm not opposed to commitment. I mean, it makes me a little queasy and apprehensive, but in the right weather breaking out in a cold sweat is refreshing. But the commitment I want doesn't require state sanction and doesn't look ANYTHING like any marriage I've ever seen, so I'm just gonna say NOPE.
Similar, divorced for years. Decades if you don't count a 7 year on/off relationship. Agree totally about Not combining finances! Are we allowed to say NO FW?!!
I divorced my first husband when I was 34 after 12 years of marriage and two children together. I jumped right back into a new relationship shortly after the divorce. Even though I've always thought of myself as a strong and independent woman, I was afraid to be alone. I look back on that time now, and although I've been happily married to my second husband for almost 30 years, I wish I had given myself time to figure out who I was on my own.
If I weren't able to get a credit card in my own name, I suppose I'd be looking for another man after divorce like Louise was. When the backlash takes even that away, I guess I'll be fucked. (A credit card is what I had to use to pay for my un-Affordable Health Care last year. Not a new kidney ... just the insurance coverage.)
I'm hoping the credit card companies will see too much $$ loss to agree to take women off credit cards. I rarely cheer for greedy large companies, but if its keeps us our credit cards.....
Fabulous! Oh my, now I have gone down the ballerinafarm path. This can't be real?? 8 babies, in a bathtub, on a farm, milking a cow 2x/day, making butter, bread, jam, everyday, competing in beauty pagents, homeschooling and farming? WTH.
She was written in the NY Times last week - just horrible. Competing in a beauty pageant 2 wks after giving birth? baby in the dressing room "she's breathed in a lot of hairspray... " Father- in-law started several airlines, including Jet Blue - there's the money to pay the staff - listed as "farm workers, a personal assistant, a babysitter for "date night" and a teacher to home-school five of her children in a "one-room classroom"
I wish all those admirers of hers would just follow a real farm family - many would appreciate the additional sales dollars & no doubt admirers could purchase a sour dough starter for less than $18.
“Don’t step foot outside your house without your face on.” My mother in law is 75 years old. She is very pretty even at 75. She wears makeup everywhere. Her short cropped hair is never out of place. She goes to the hairdressers every other week. She wears a 20K wedding ring, gold necklace and 2 sets of earrings at all times. She carries a plastic bonnet and a compact every time she leaves the house in case it rains or she sweats.
At this point her habits are just like air to her but there is a dark side. She judges others in public. Once we were in a pharmacy and someone was wearing flannel PJ bottoms and she commented. I said the person could have rushed out to get a prescription for someone sick at home or what if the person was single and wasn’t feeling well and was pick up their own prescription. She hates crocs (I have 3 pairs 😂) She also is Ms. Manners....my kids completely tune her out because even if their elbows are off the table, she’ll complain about the way they cut their food or pour a drink or chew.
I truly get her. Her life and value came from complying with these rules. She is very light skinned Black woman and from the south, I know she was judged harshly by society and quite frankly her husband (2nd marriage) treats her like a house elf. She probably wouldn’t have nabbed and kept him if she wasn’t the type of woman who waits on him.
She hides clothing purchases from him. He loves his Black Barbie but if she try’s to buy a pair of socks he’ll tell her she doesn’t need them or she spent too much. The marriage contract of “you get a roof over your head if I you take care of all my needs” is why these rules are made. She’s still living in that era.
Meanwhile I rarely have my long hair not in a pony tail. Black women with long hair is a drama in itself. I keep mine long so I can throw it in a pony tail. My MIL had to get permission to cut her hair.
If I’m not in yoga pants, I’m in jeans. But even I comply with some of these stupid rules/ traditions. My son’s White GF doesn’t shave her arm pits or legs. So scandalous! (I couldn’t care a fig, she a beautiful girl inside and out)
"The safety being offered is a cage" , I like it! Today, women have a number of options, that weren't available not too long ago. Some women navigate these options with confidence and ease, whereas other women get confused and lost. Maybe the first group could do a bit more to mentor the second group. I haven't read your book yet, but maybe that's your contribution, Lyz? I just pre-ordered it!
Happily divorced since 34 (now 48) - never again. Now in a long-term committed relationship with a lovely man — who lives across the street. We keep our own houses, our own money, our own kitchens, and it's great. He's also not American which helps.
I am the oldest of eight. I have to say sincerely that the only thing my mother was capable of doing 12 days after my youngest brother was born was nursing the baby and resting. I can't even with this Mrs. America stuff.
So good. So, so good.
I'm nearly 71 yo and I don't remember a second - a mere second - of my first 65 years not chafing under the constraints of the patriarchy. I gave that up when I retired and I want women everywhere to know . . .
DON'T WAIT. FREEDOM IS GLORIOUS!!
Lyz, I'm 72, divorced since my 20s. The other day, walking my dog, a man asked me if I lived with family. No husband? Why? I have been asked that by neighbors, every repairman who's come into my apt, and many strangers. I can't believe how shocked men can be--in 2024-- by a woman who chooses her own company.
I want to be you when I grow up
I've been divorced so long now that I can only remember what I thought I was getting out of being married in the most academic and intellectual way. There's nothing emotionally compelling about the notion at all. Raise a family together? Thanks, but my kids are grown and I don't want to raise yours. Cohabitate? No, thank you. But you can live next door, maybe. Combine finances? Not a snowballs chance in hell. So, what's the point of legal marriage for me, like, ever again?
I'm not opposed to commitment. I mean, it makes me a little queasy and apprehensive, but in the right weather breaking out in a cold sweat is refreshing. But the commitment I want doesn't require state sanction and doesn't look ANYTHING like any marriage I've ever seen, so I'm just gonna say NOPE.
My dream marriage was my spouse and I would live separately in townhouses on the same block.
Similar, divorced for years. Decades if you don't count a 7 year on/off relationship. Agree totally about Not combining finances! Are we allowed to say NO FW?!!
This: in the right weather breaking out in a cold sweat is refreshing. YES!
I divorced my first husband when I was 34 after 12 years of marriage and two children together. I jumped right back into a new relationship shortly after the divorce. Even though I've always thought of myself as a strong and independent woman, I was afraid to be alone. I look back on that time now, and although I've been happily married to my second husband for almost 30 years, I wish I had given myself time to figure out who I was on my own.
💕💕
If I weren't able to get a credit card in my own name, I suppose I'd be looking for another man after divorce like Louise was. When the backlash takes even that away, I guess I'll be fucked. (A credit card is what I had to use to pay for my un-Affordable Health Care last year. Not a new kidney ... just the insurance coverage.)
I'm hoping the credit card companies will see too much $$ loss to agree to take women off credit cards. I rarely cheer for greedy large companies, but if its keeps us our credit cards.....
What humans will do, and tolerate, for a (always false) promise of safety. 💔
Fabulous! Oh my, now I have gone down the ballerinafarm path. This can't be real?? 8 babies, in a bathtub, on a farm, milking a cow 2x/day, making butter, bread, jam, everyday, competing in beauty pagents, homeschooling and farming? WTH.
My life was better not knowing ballerina farm existed. Yikes.
She was written in the NY Times last week - just horrible. Competing in a beauty pageant 2 wks after giving birth? baby in the dressing room "she's breathed in a lot of hairspray... " Father- in-law started several airlines, including Jet Blue - there's the money to pay the staff - listed as "farm workers, a personal assistant, a babysitter for "date night" and a teacher to home-school five of her children in a "one-room classroom"
I wish all those admirers of hers would just follow a real farm family - many would appreciate the additional sales dollars & no doubt admirers could purchase a sour dough starter for less than $18.
Thanks for the summary - sounds horrid & like she has LOTS of family and/or paid help.
“Don’t step foot outside your house without your face on.” My mother in law is 75 years old. She is very pretty even at 75. She wears makeup everywhere. Her short cropped hair is never out of place. She goes to the hairdressers every other week. She wears a 20K wedding ring, gold necklace and 2 sets of earrings at all times. She carries a plastic bonnet and a compact every time she leaves the house in case it rains or she sweats.
At this point her habits are just like air to her but there is a dark side. She judges others in public. Once we were in a pharmacy and someone was wearing flannel PJ bottoms and she commented. I said the person could have rushed out to get a prescription for someone sick at home or what if the person was single and wasn’t feeling well and was pick up their own prescription. She hates crocs (I have 3 pairs 😂) She also is Ms. Manners....my kids completely tune her out because even if their elbows are off the table, she’ll complain about the way they cut their food or pour a drink or chew.
I truly get her. Her life and value came from complying with these rules. She is very light skinned Black woman and from the south, I know she was judged harshly by society and quite frankly her husband (2nd marriage) treats her like a house elf. She probably wouldn’t have nabbed and kept him if she wasn’t the type of woman who waits on him.
She hides clothing purchases from him. He loves his Black Barbie but if she try’s to buy a pair of socks he’ll tell her she doesn’t need them or she spent too much. The marriage contract of “you get a roof over your head if I you take care of all my needs” is why these rules are made. She’s still living in that era.
Meanwhile I rarely have my long hair not in a pony tail. Black women with long hair is a drama in itself. I keep mine long so I can throw it in a pony tail. My MIL had to get permission to cut her hair.
If I’m not in yoga pants, I’m in jeans. But even I comply with some of these stupid rules/ traditions. My son’s White GF doesn’t shave her arm pits or legs. So scandalous! (I couldn’t care a fig, she a beautiful girl inside and out)
"The safety being offered is a cage" , I like it! Today, women have a number of options, that weren't available not too long ago. Some women navigate these options with confidence and ease, whereas other women get confused and lost. Maybe the first group could do a bit more to mentor the second group. I haven't read your book yet, but maybe that's your contribution, Lyz? I just pre-ordered it!
LOVE
Happily divorced since 34 (now 48) - never again. Now in a long-term committed relationship with a lovely man — who lives across the street. We keep our own houses, our own money, our own kitchens, and it's great. He's also not American which helps.
I am the oldest of eight. I have to say sincerely that the only thing my mother was capable of doing 12 days after my youngest brother was born was nursing the baby and resting. I can't even with this Mrs. America stuff.
I just want to point out that there is a difference between being too safe and not being safe enough. Don't ignore that fine line!
I don’t have a crystal ball. How are we supposed to keep ourselves “safe enough” and from what? Not being snarky, genuinely curious.
I just meant be cautious when swimming with the sharks
No worries, then. I’m a landlubber. 😎