My heart is pounding right now. A million thanks for naming this. I’ve only just realized over the last few weeks of writing that my father made my childhood home a nightmare and I’ve never felt safe living with a man since. Two divorces didn’t clue me in 🤔 Living on my own going on 13 years now. LOVE the peace of mind.
I can’t help it and it probably means I’m a terrible person but your last point reminded me of a young man I knew in Texas who told me he had everything he wanted in the world as he stood proudly outside his rented single-wide prefab home and his new $60,000 special edition Ford pickup truck.
Like Iceland, America would be far better off if it was run by women.
That would be funny if it didn't have such negative consequences. No doubt there were a lot of male Trump voters who thought that was the attitude of all Democrats, and voted for that idiot because at least he didn't hate them.
What a great article! And I love that you have a large, wild looking dog. You make great points about the importance of women creating their own homes and feeling safe. I own a large historic home that we bought when my husband was alive and I have managed to keep it ever since. My experiences with contractors have been good because I'm fussy about who I hire - also it helps that I've never done any major work the way you have. I wouldn't mind having the right partner if by some miracle I found him, but it is so satisfying to have this house on my own and know that I can manage it. And I have an 86 lb rescue Pitbull
This is an excellent take on my life! I just need to train my dogs to be less friendly. As a single woman and fourth time home-owner (one was w/a husband), I FEEL this!! Ive had so many contractors try to take advantage of me financially- a few have been successful but damn, I’m learning. I love fixing up and remodeling this old house. The satisfaction is good, but also knowing I can do mostly whatever those stupid contractors can do is so empowering. I do feel safe and secure within these walls, it is my peaceful kingdom!
What's happening to women right now is reminiscent of the late 1940s. Coming off of World War II where women did literally everything up to and including delivering bombers to air bases, building battleships, and conducting covert espionage and sabotage operations in occupied Europe, while simultaneously still carrying the domestic workload, the government and Madison Avenue decided it was time to put women "back in their boxes". The goal was to restore men to their position of supremacy and women to theirs of dependency.
[As an aside, it wasn't much better for Black men who fought against Fascism abroad and returned to segregation at home. That's not the topic of this substack, but I wanted to make sure it was acknowledged.]
100% right! The government created a federally funded daycare system during the war so women could work easier. As per usual, the program was closed when the war ended as women were expected to go back home and give the job back to a guy coming home.
I see it coming… so many hard fought for rights being stripped away. it may seem ridiculous or impossible… but this is NOT the America it once was… yet it is also very eerily close to the America it once was… the shifting seems familiar though.. it’s happened before. We can feel these shifts in our very core.
I got married at 23 and promptly was utterly overwhelmed by the culture and trappings of my husband's enormous, loud, wealthy family. I was expected to play a very certain narrow role and never stray outside of it. Our entire home was filled with HIS stuff, HIS family antiques, HIS choice of artwork on the walls. When I got divorced at 46, I bought a tiny Craftsman bungalow that needed work but it was the very first time in my adult life I got to live in a home that was MINE, of my own making, with my own choices for furnishings, etc. I still live in that little house and I love it beyond measure. I have a new partner now, and he shares this space with me and we add touches that please BOTH of us. My two grown kids also LOVE this house because they recognize it reflects me. My tastes, my preferences, my priorities, my personality. There is nothing to compare with having a home of your OWN.
Even though I only discovered/acknowledged that I'm a woman at age 50, I've always felt safer around women. A few years ago, I wrote an essay for my then therapist about my adolescence, and she said, "Wow, there were no safe men in your life except your father " I went to an all boys high school with only male teachers and I hated it.
When I came out to a close friend a few years ago, she said, "I never thought you were a straight man, so it makes sense you're trans."
Yes, it makes sense I'm a woman and the overwhelming majority of my friends and colleagues are women,and my best mentors have always been women.
I bought my house, a neglected foreclosure, 11 years ago as a single woman. It has driven me to tears more than once. I had to learn how to do most things myself because I couldn't afford to hire. I renovated my bathroom (tile, toilet, sink, and everything), gutted a mold-damaged basement, painted every surface, replaced doors and windows, installed new flooring, built a deck, landscaped... now it is filled with color and art and animals and plants and books and good food and drinks and it is my sanctuary. (It is never finished, but that is also kind of the point.) My husband now gets to live here, too, and even though we call it our house, he knows it is really mine (and it remains in my name).
Oh, I have made mistakes. :) I recently paid to have a door reinstalled that I did that was leaking. My bathroom pedestal sink installation made me cry. But I've always gone by the philosophy of "what do I have to lose if this thing is already broken/busted?" And Lyz is so right about the dads of YouTube. Most of what I have done has been thanks to either my dad or YouTube.
I have once shared my house with a live-in partner. I'm not completely opposed to doing it again, but I'm not great at making space for other people's stuff. I've spent so long here by myself the house is already full! But it would be nice to have another adult around who felt invested in the stuff I'm not great at doing by myself, like ornamental gardening and dealing with the crap that accumulates on the porches.
I married my first husband really young and never had my own closet as an adult until I left him. I loved having my own closet so much, that I refuse to share a closet now. Luckily, we have enough closets in my current house that he gets the closet in the office and I get to keep mine all for myself. Our timing worked out easily--I bought the house when we started dating and it was too big for just me, so we gradually filled it up together over the course of a few years as we got more serious. But making room for his stuff does remain an issue (he LOVES stuff).
Decades ago now, I read a journal article about a couple who got together late in life after both had lived alone for many years. To adjust and still preserve their individual needs for space/autonomy, they each claimed a floor of the house as personal space. If memory serves, one claimed the second floor and the other the finished basement. Then they shared all the common space on the first floor. They would have multiple "sleepovers" in each other's private spaces each week, but then they always set aside nights to retreat to their separate spaces.
I always loved that scenario. I think I could handle that.
Lyz I just love this. As a newly divorced mom who 'got the house' I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and wresting with what my relationship to this house is going to be. One day I feel I can inhabit the whole place, the next I feel small and like this house may eat me alive. Your consistent writing is a balm.
I hope you can find a way to make it your own. And if it just becomes a question of making do until your kids are older and then you sell it to move somewhere that's only ever been yours, that's okay, too. I bought my house right after my divorce, so my ex has never been a part of it, but as I'm contemplating both my kids aging up and moving out it's feeling like a lot of house. Not sure what I'm going to do, but I might just sell and find a little place that's me-sized. Real estate doesn't have to be a noose around your neck. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
I'm ten years into home ownership as a single woman and despite the stress and hassles (First winter, the basement flooded because the sump pump broke and I had to bail it out by hand. A couple of years back the roof needed to be replaced immediately. Friends started a GoFundMe to help out, I had to put more than a third on a credit card, and ask my mom for the rest. But now I have a metal roof that will last until I die.), there is nothing more satisfying to me than slowly but surely turning it into a space that both holds me and delights me.
I haven't been good at cohabitation, historically. Control over my space and safety and time are too important to me. I would prefer to have a partner who lives next door. And has enough of a sense of humor to enjoy talking through two cans and a string, or maybe walkie-talkies, so he can confirm it's okay to come over.
So much agree! I've tried living with men and they are a lot of extra expense and work with minimal reward. A close-by-but-not-in-my-actual-space partner would be perfect.
This was excellent. This reminds me that the one thing feminism has failed to complete is teaching men to share traditionally women’s chores and tasks. Some of these — cleaning — are just gross and must be endured. Nobody loves laundry or scrubbing toilets,* but everybody likes living in a clean, orderly space, so men need to step and learn this.
What I think is almost as important is teaching men that traditional women’s skills like baking and needlework are lots of fun! One of the worst things about Trump II is that the atmosphere for as long as that pile of orange sit is soiling the Oval Office will be of the worst kind of bullying masculinity: where men who want to join women in women’s tasks will be bullied for being ‘fags’ or ‘pussies’ or whatever boring insult the Rogan-brained zombies hurl at heretics from their religion. It’s also true that we women will have to defend our spaces, including yarn stores and bakeries and cooking classes, from said Rogan-brained zombies. We will be denied the chances for real connections with good men, which makes all of us worse. We need men to learn to let us lead and to listen to us, which are things Trumpers will never allow.
*Props to my husband for insisting that toilet-scrubbing is his job.
Appreciate the comment, Karen. No doubt some men need to learn traditionally female tasks. Cooking and baking is fun. Supporting my wife/family's basic needs is rewarding. Men secure in their relationships and comfortable with themselves won't be moved by bullies.
I am also a single female homeowner. I've experienced the same things. I have a huge bulldog which contractors seem to enjoy. Nice to see the same things I struggle with from someone else. I've also felt my status and assets may be in jeopardy with the new administration which scares the hell out of me.
Dolly is my hero. I aspire to own a home, but can't see it happening without some extraordinary financial boon. My husband and I rent, and our landlord is pretty nice, but it still isn't ours. While I teach on the other side of the state, I rent a room from my friend who deals with this all the time. Two things are going on - contractors want the big jobs with new construction, and when they are available they ghost a lot. Or do really shitty work.
This column reminded me of a group of women who are in the trades in Seattle. I searched, and there is a website for Washington Women in Trades - my guess is there are similar organizations all over the country.
^^^Poetry!
I’d love to see it :)
Yes, please!
OMG! This is amazing! Yes! You rock. Thank you. Do you mind if I share it?
Okey doke-I will let people know! Also, I love the “tits out” comment! Reminds me of Mrs. Maisel’s “Tits up!”😁
Your dog’s name and temperament are perfect and your writing is beautiful.
My heart is pounding right now. A million thanks for naming this. I’ve only just realized over the last few weeks of writing that my father made my childhood home a nightmare and I’ve never felt safe living with a man since. Two divorces didn’t clue me in 🤔 Living on my own going on 13 years now. LOVE the peace of mind.
I can’t help it and it probably means I’m a terrible person but your last point reminded me of a young man I knew in Texas who told me he had everything he wanted in the world as he stood proudly outside his rented single-wide prefab home and his new $60,000 special edition Ford pickup truck.
Like Iceland, America would be far better off if it was run by women.
Kristi Noem, Marcia Blackburn, Marjorie Taylor-Green......no.
Not all men are assholes. Not all women are saints. But, as a man, I agree with you that women are more likely to govern in the interests of all.
Actually, all men r assholes. It’s male nature.
That would be funny if it didn't have such negative consequences. No doubt there were a lot of male Trump voters who thought that was the attitude of all Democrats, and voted for that idiot because at least he didn't hate them.
Yes, it's definitely Democrats' fault Trump got elected. Not that people were attracted to Trump's message. <sarcasm>
I guess it's ok to say, "all men r assholes" on a feminist Substack. Got it.
What a great article! And I love that you have a large, wild looking dog. You make great points about the importance of women creating their own homes and feeling safe. I own a large historic home that we bought when my husband was alive and I have managed to keep it ever since. My experiences with contractors have been good because I'm fussy about who I hire - also it helps that I've never done any major work the way you have. I wouldn't mind having the right partner if by some miracle I found him, but it is so satisfying to have this house on my own and know that I can manage it. And I have an 86 lb rescue Pitbull
This is an excellent take on my life! I just need to train my dogs to be less friendly. As a single woman and fourth time home-owner (one was w/a husband), I FEEL this!! Ive had so many contractors try to take advantage of me financially- a few have been successful but damn, I’m learning. I love fixing up and remodeling this old house. The satisfaction is good, but also knowing I can do mostly whatever those stupid contractors can do is so empowering. I do feel safe and secure within these walls, it is my peaceful kingdom!
What's happening to women right now is reminiscent of the late 1940s. Coming off of World War II where women did literally everything up to and including delivering bombers to air bases, building battleships, and conducting covert espionage and sabotage operations in occupied Europe, while simultaneously still carrying the domestic workload, the government and Madison Avenue decided it was time to put women "back in their boxes". The goal was to restore men to their position of supremacy and women to theirs of dependency.
[As an aside, it wasn't much better for Black men who fought against Fascism abroad and returned to segregation at home. That's not the topic of this substack, but I wanted to make sure it was acknowledged.]
If you haven't, highly recommend Homeward Bound by Elaine Tyler May that has a great examination of this exact era
100% right! The government created a federally funded daycare system during the war so women could work easier. As per usual, the program was closed when the war ended as women were expected to go back home and give the job back to a guy coming home.
I see it coming… so many hard fought for rights being stripped away. it may seem ridiculous or impossible… but this is NOT the America it once was… yet it is also very eerily close to the America it once was… the shifting seems familiar though.. it’s happened before. We can feel these shifts in our very core.
I got married at 23 and promptly was utterly overwhelmed by the culture and trappings of my husband's enormous, loud, wealthy family. I was expected to play a very certain narrow role and never stray outside of it. Our entire home was filled with HIS stuff, HIS family antiques, HIS choice of artwork on the walls. When I got divorced at 46, I bought a tiny Craftsman bungalow that needed work but it was the very first time in my adult life I got to live in a home that was MINE, of my own making, with my own choices for furnishings, etc. I still live in that little house and I love it beyond measure. I have a new partner now, and he shares this space with me and we add touches that please BOTH of us. My two grown kids also LOVE this house because they recognize it reflects me. My tastes, my preferences, my priorities, my personality. There is nothing to compare with having a home of your OWN.
Even though I only discovered/acknowledged that I'm a woman at age 50, I've always felt safer around women. A few years ago, I wrote an essay for my then therapist about my adolescence, and she said, "Wow, there were no safe men in your life except your father " I went to an all boys high school with only male teachers and I hated it.
When I came out to a close friend a few years ago, she said, "I never thought you were a straight man, so it makes sense you're trans."
Yes, it makes sense I'm a woman and the overwhelming majority of my friends and colleagues are women,and my best mentors have always been women.
I bought my house, a neglected foreclosure, 11 years ago as a single woman. It has driven me to tears more than once. I had to learn how to do most things myself because I couldn't afford to hire. I renovated my bathroom (tile, toilet, sink, and everything), gutted a mold-damaged basement, painted every surface, replaced doors and windows, installed new flooring, built a deck, landscaped... now it is filled with color and art and animals and plants and books and good food and drinks and it is my sanctuary. (It is never finished, but that is also kind of the point.) My husband now gets to live here, too, and even though we call it our house, he knows it is really mine (and it remains in my name).
Love this. I am in awe that you replaced windows... that seems like an especially daunting job. Building a deck too!! Yes!
Oh, I have made mistakes. :) I recently paid to have a door reinstalled that I did that was leaking. My bathroom pedestal sink installation made me cry. But I've always gone by the philosophy of "what do I have to lose if this thing is already broken/busted?" And Lyz is so right about the dads of YouTube. Most of what I have done has been thanks to either my dad or YouTube.
I have once shared my house with a live-in partner. I'm not completely opposed to doing it again, but I'm not great at making space for other people's stuff. I've spent so long here by myself the house is already full! But it would be nice to have another adult around who felt invested in the stuff I'm not great at doing by myself, like ornamental gardening and dealing with the crap that accumulates on the porches.
I married my first husband really young and never had my own closet as an adult until I left him. I loved having my own closet so much, that I refuse to share a closet now. Luckily, we have enough closets in my current house that he gets the closet in the office and I get to keep mine all for myself. Our timing worked out easily--I bought the house when we started dating and it was too big for just me, so we gradually filled it up together over the course of a few years as we got more serious. But making room for his stuff does remain an issue (he LOVES stuff).
Decades ago now, I read a journal article about a couple who got together late in life after both had lived alone for many years. To adjust and still preserve their individual needs for space/autonomy, they each claimed a floor of the house as personal space. If memory serves, one claimed the second floor and the other the finished basement. Then they shared all the common space on the first floor. They would have multiple "sleepovers" in each other's private spaces each week, but then they always set aside nights to retreat to their separate spaces.
I always loved that scenario. I think I could handle that.
Lyz I just love this. As a newly divorced mom who 'got the house' I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and wresting with what my relationship to this house is going to be. One day I feel I can inhabit the whole place, the next I feel small and like this house may eat me alive. Your consistent writing is a balm.
I hope you can find a way to make it your own. And if it just becomes a question of making do until your kids are older and then you sell it to move somewhere that's only ever been yours, that's okay, too. I bought my house right after my divorce, so my ex has never been a part of it, but as I'm contemplating both my kids aging up and moving out it's feeling like a lot of house. Not sure what I'm going to do, but I might just sell and find a little place that's me-sized. Real estate doesn't have to be a noose around your neck. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
I'm ten years into home ownership as a single woman and despite the stress and hassles (First winter, the basement flooded because the sump pump broke and I had to bail it out by hand. A couple of years back the roof needed to be replaced immediately. Friends started a GoFundMe to help out, I had to put more than a third on a credit card, and ask my mom for the rest. But now I have a metal roof that will last until I die.), there is nothing more satisfying to me than slowly but surely turning it into a space that both holds me and delights me.
I haven't been good at cohabitation, historically. Control over my space and safety and time are too important to me. I would prefer to have a partner who lives next door. And has enough of a sense of humor to enjoy talking through two cans and a string, or maybe walkie-talkies, so he can confirm it's okay to come over.
So much agree! I've tried living with men and they are a lot of extra expense and work with minimal reward. A close-by-but-not-in-my-actual-space partner would be perfect.
This was excellent. This reminds me that the one thing feminism has failed to complete is teaching men to share traditionally women’s chores and tasks. Some of these — cleaning — are just gross and must be endured. Nobody loves laundry or scrubbing toilets,* but everybody likes living in a clean, orderly space, so men need to step and learn this.
What I think is almost as important is teaching men that traditional women’s skills like baking and needlework are lots of fun! One of the worst things about Trump II is that the atmosphere for as long as that pile of orange sit is soiling the Oval Office will be of the worst kind of bullying masculinity: where men who want to join women in women’s tasks will be bullied for being ‘fags’ or ‘pussies’ or whatever boring insult the Rogan-brained zombies hurl at heretics from their religion. It’s also true that we women will have to defend our spaces, including yarn stores and bakeries and cooking classes, from said Rogan-brained zombies. We will be denied the chances for real connections with good men, which makes all of us worse. We need men to learn to let us lead and to listen to us, which are things Trumpers will never allow.
*Props to my husband for insisting that toilet-scrubbing is his job.
Appreciate the comment, Karen. No doubt some men need to learn traditionally female tasks. Cooking and baking is fun. Supporting my wife/family's basic needs is rewarding. Men secure in their relationships and comfortable with themselves won't be moved by bullies.
Thank you! We need a lot more men like you.
I am also a single female homeowner. I've experienced the same things. I have a huge bulldog which contractors seem to enjoy. Nice to see the same things I struggle with from someone else. I've also felt my status and assets may be in jeopardy with the new administration which scares the hell out of me.
Dolly is my hero. I aspire to own a home, but can't see it happening without some extraordinary financial boon. My husband and I rent, and our landlord is pretty nice, but it still isn't ours. While I teach on the other side of the state, I rent a room from my friend who deals with this all the time. Two things are going on - contractors want the big jobs with new construction, and when they are available they ghost a lot. Or do really shitty work.
This column reminded me of a group of women who are in the trades in Seattle. I searched, and there is a website for Washington Women in Trades - my guess is there are similar organizations all over the country.