"If and when you witness cruelty in the streets of your community — intervene or check in. It’s as simple as asking: Are you okay?"
I agree with them. I pass as straight (until I'm with someone who doesn't) and while I have never received this kind of verbal harassment even in the depths of Alabama where I live, there isn't a moment that I'm out in public that I'm not thinking about whether my clothes are a little too gay or my friends are talking a little too loud to be safe in my current surroundings. Safety is a privilege in this country; it's always been that way. And if you are one of the people who gets to be safe in any moment, it goes a long way to stand up for and check in with the people who aren't.
As a white cishet woman I have a lot of privilege and I have noticed I have a lot of power to call out straight white men. I don’t frequently encounter such hatred in my more liberal county in NC, but I have become more outspoken in my 30s after letting people pleasing dominate my 20s.
I got my MFA at Iowa 40 years ago, and I am accustomed to thinking of Iowa City as a progressive balm in a state that has become increasingly red and inflamed. I have friends there still, some gay, all solidly liberal (I’m of the generation that doesn’t think that’s a dirty word). So yeah, this is really discouraging—especially that NO ONE ELSE ON THE STREET DEFENDED YOU. That sort of cowardice is unforgivable. I’m sorry.
I got my BA in Iowa City 40 years ago. I came from a Catholic family, an all-white HS, and had my eyes opened to diversity in Iowa City. The first summer I stayed in IC instead of going home, the Bijou was hosting a summer-long gay film festival. I started learning LGBTQ history: StoneWall, Harvey Milk, etc. I truly had my eyes opened to the LGBTQ community, and I was proud to attend a school that was a liberal bastion in the middle of the Reagan 80’s. I’m so sad to hear that it is no longer a welcoming safe space and I’m so sorry this happened to the writers. How very scary and heartbreaking.
Ugghhhh people suck. I am so sorry that each of you has to deal with this simply because of the way you present yourself, because of who you are. If I had been walking near you I would have at least commisserated with "that guy is a huge as*hole". Of course he retreated immediately into the safety of the party. Would he have been so daring as to say it to your faces, when he could see the whites of your eyes? Or the other guy -- if he weren't in a car carrying him safely away from any confrontation? Fearful, pitiful cowards.
I'm in a hetero marriage, straight passing, and even I have been the recipient of hateful comments because of my preferred flannel and keen sandals type of style. In Iowa City, no less.
I'm very interested in what this community thinks the best way for those of us who are more on the white/straight/male end of the spectrum should or could do to best show support in these situations. My instincts are to avoid escalating anything, but beyond that what do you all think it best?
I endorse your instincts, but if one stops, steps over and stands in solidarity with those being abused, maybe asking THEM what to do, then maybe you are presenting as an ally without any aggression or escalation. I am an old lady so I get some leeway. I present with sympathy for the victims and filthy glares at the abusers. Of course living in the SF Bay Area, I am surrounded by allies and those more capable of really doing something to halt abuse or push back. Just please, don’t walk away and leave victims alone, ok?
Thanks for sharing this. It looks like they have rebranded as Right To Be, www dot righttobe dot org. They do some free online trainings, and they have one scheduled for tomorrow specifically on Bystander Intervention to Stop Harrassment at the Polls.
I was also unsure what to do, but asking "how can I help?" feels like a good start. Curious if the authors have additional ideas. The suggestions I've seen in the past were when you see a solo person getting harassed, but obviously being in a group that's being targeted is also a problem.
It's is so disheartening to read this. I was a freshman at the University of Iowa in 1973. The first time I saw gay people (later, of course, there were lots of gay people in my life who I didn't realize were gay including my BFF/crush and my sister) was on the quad kissing. Having been fully educated by the Catholic Church, I was taken aback but would never have though about saying one god-damned thing. I love the U of Iowa because it was so tolerant (or so I thought) and wide open to new experiences. I am just sick that it seems full of people who harass or turn a blind eye.
Thank you for sharing the reality you live with every day. As an older, straight white man I am increasingly aware of the privileges I’ve experienced, and it is my privilege to do what I can—especially in the circle of my friends and acquaintances—to defend the marginalized and to change the narrative. I’ve seen this begin to happen, for example, in my grandsons’ lives. Their father, from whom my daughter divorced about seven years ago, remains in the conservative evangelical community we left over ten years ago, and committed to the religious and moral ethics typical of that space. But although he continues to try to sway them to his way of thinking, their life with our daughter and with us has been instrumental in their growth towards expansiveness and inclusion.
I continue to vote, of course, for change, but the greatest satisfaction I feel is to see the actual change in my life and in the lives of those I love and can influence. We heal one small corner of the Universe at a time. Peace.
Oh gods. I feel this in my bones. Today someone told me a story of a cis het white woman who said it wasnt her job to educate people on how to treat queer people. I was floored. Who's job is it then??? Because I am truly exhausted. EXHAUSTED defending us. Do NOT call yourself an ally if you won't speak up.
Those who stay silent when a witness of such acts of bigotry and assault implicitly approve and enable the acts. It is the second crime and a profound poverty of moral courage.
I hope I would be brave enough to be a vocal ally in such a situation. Thank you for the reminder that silence is just as harmful. Minding your own business isn't always the best choice.
As a long time Iowa Citizen, I am so sorry this was your experience! I have definitely fallen into the lull of thinking Iowa City is safer, more welcoming, progressive, etc. And what utterly profound bullshit you had to experience. Thank you for sharing your experience, thank you for being you, thank you for the call to action.
A while ago I saw something saying that "ally" in this context is a verb, not a noun. We who ally need to step up and prove it.
This past summer my family was in Texas for a few days visiting friends and checking off state #43 we've been to together. My oldest son is transgender and I worried about his safety so I made sure to remove the ally pins and stickers from my bags and clothes. He passes very well so that was probably overkill and later I felt like a coward for doing so. But TX bigotry and gun culture made me nervous. This feeling grew even more when I watched "Will & Harper;" they were so brave to be out there in unfriendly places (I'm sure the camera crew helped.)
In the comments here I found a link to a site that does training on "bystander intervention" I'm going to go through it and improve my allyship.
Such a shame. I am sorry you went through that. I visited Des Moines as a sponsor of a school trip and was pleasantly surprised by all the Pride signs in the downtown area. People can suck.
"If and when you witness cruelty in the streets of your community — intervene or check in. It’s as simple as asking: Are you okay?"
I agree with them. I pass as straight (until I'm with someone who doesn't) and while I have never received this kind of verbal harassment even in the depths of Alabama where I live, there isn't a moment that I'm out in public that I'm not thinking about whether my clothes are a little too gay or my friends are talking a little too loud to be safe in my current surroundings. Safety is a privilege in this country; it's always been that way. And if you are one of the people who gets to be safe in any moment, it goes a long way to stand up for and check in with the people who aren't.
As a white cishet woman I have a lot of privilege and I have noticed I have a lot of power to call out straight white men. I don’t frequently encounter such hatred in my more liberal county in NC, but I have become more outspoken in my 30s after letting people pleasing dominate my 20s.
Dear Natalie, V, MJ, and Talia,
Thank you for your powerful and urgent message.
Thank you for the work you are doing. You are literally saving lives, especially of children.
Thank you for inspiring me to live with more courage and to speak UP!
Love from a trans woman in Philly
Read this with a lump in my throat. Then walked to my Texas polling location and voted early with urgency.
I got my MFA at Iowa 40 years ago, and I am accustomed to thinking of Iowa City as a progressive balm in a state that has become increasingly red and inflamed. I have friends there still, some gay, all solidly liberal (I’m of the generation that doesn’t think that’s a dirty word). So yeah, this is really discouraging—especially that NO ONE ELSE ON THE STREET DEFENDED YOU. That sort of cowardice is unforgivable. I’m sorry.
I got my BA in Iowa City 40 years ago. I came from a Catholic family, an all-white HS, and had my eyes opened to diversity in Iowa City. The first summer I stayed in IC instead of going home, the Bijou was hosting a summer-long gay film festival. I started learning LGBTQ history: StoneWall, Harvey Milk, etc. I truly had my eyes opened to the LGBTQ community, and I was proud to attend a school that was a liberal bastion in the middle of the Reagan 80’s. I’m so sad to hear that it is no longer a welcoming safe space and I’m so sorry this happened to the writers. How very scary and heartbreaking.
Ahhh, the Bijou!
Ugghhhh people suck. I am so sorry that each of you has to deal with this simply because of the way you present yourself, because of who you are. If I had been walking near you I would have at least commisserated with "that guy is a huge as*hole". Of course he retreated immediately into the safety of the party. Would he have been so daring as to say it to your faces, when he could see the whites of your eyes? Or the other guy -- if he weren't in a car carrying him safely away from any confrontation? Fearful, pitiful cowards.
I'm in a hetero marriage, straight passing, and even I have been the recipient of hateful comments because of my preferred flannel and keen sandals type of style. In Iowa City, no less.
i live in marion, iowa and nothing about this surprises me. there are still plenty of jerks in iowa city.
mmmhmm. shaved head here which also draws the comments.
I'm very interested in what this community thinks the best way for those of us who are more on the white/straight/male end of the spectrum should or could do to best show support in these situations. My instincts are to avoid escalating anything, but beyond that what do you all think it best?
I endorse your instincts, but if one stops, steps over and stands in solidarity with those being abused, maybe asking THEM what to do, then maybe you are presenting as an ally without any aggression or escalation. I am an old lady so I get some leeway. I present with sympathy for the victims and filthy glares at the abusers. Of course living in the SF Bay Area, I am surrounded by allies and those more capable of really doing something to halt abuse or push back. Just please, don’t walk away and leave victims alone, ok?
The website Hollaback has some suggestions. They do corporate trainings on how to be an ally.
Thanks for sharing this. It looks like they have rebranded as Right To Be, www dot righttobe dot org. They do some free online trainings, and they have one scheduled for tomorrow specifically on Bystander Intervention to Stop Harrassment at the Polls.
Oh! Thanks. Yeah their original name was kind of casual.
Thanks to you and @Alex, I just signed up for this training from Right to Be ___ on Nov 6th. Sharing the link in case anyone else is interested: https://righttobe.org/events/stand-up-against-street-harassment-24/
I was also unsure what to do, but asking "how can I help?" feels like a good start. Curious if the authors have additional ideas. The suggestions I've seen in the past were when you see a solo person getting harassed, but obviously being in a group that's being targeted is also a problem.
This is a good reminder for all of us to confront homophobes when they are jerks. And VOTE on November 5!
Hugs to all of you from Texas! We’re all in this together!
It's is so disheartening to read this. I was a freshman at the University of Iowa in 1973. The first time I saw gay people (later, of course, there were lots of gay people in my life who I didn't realize were gay including my BFF/crush and my sister) was on the quad kissing. Having been fully educated by the Catholic Church, I was taken aback but would never have though about saying one god-damned thing. I love the U of Iowa because it was so tolerant (or so I thought) and wide open to new experiences. I am just sick that it seems full of people who harass or turn a blind eye.
Thank you for sharing the reality you live with every day. As an older, straight white man I am increasingly aware of the privileges I’ve experienced, and it is my privilege to do what I can—especially in the circle of my friends and acquaintances—to defend the marginalized and to change the narrative. I’ve seen this begin to happen, for example, in my grandsons’ lives. Their father, from whom my daughter divorced about seven years ago, remains in the conservative evangelical community we left over ten years ago, and committed to the religious and moral ethics typical of that space. But although he continues to try to sway them to his way of thinking, their life with our daughter and with us has been instrumental in their growth towards expansiveness and inclusion.
I continue to vote, of course, for change, but the greatest satisfaction I feel is to see the actual change in my life and in the lives of those I love and can influence. We heal one small corner of the Universe at a time. Peace.
Oh gods. I feel this in my bones. Today someone told me a story of a cis het white woman who said it wasnt her job to educate people on how to treat queer people. I was floored. Who's job is it then??? Because I am truly exhausted. EXHAUSTED defending us. Do NOT call yourself an ally if you won't speak up.
Those who stay silent when a witness of such acts of bigotry and assault implicitly approve and enable the acts. It is the second crime and a profound poverty of moral courage.
I hope I would be brave enough to be a vocal ally in such a situation. Thank you for the reminder that silence is just as harmful. Minding your own business isn't always the best choice.
As a long time Iowa Citizen, I am so sorry this was your experience! I have definitely fallen into the lull of thinking Iowa City is safer, more welcoming, progressive, etc. And what utterly profound bullshit you had to experience. Thank you for sharing your experience, thank you for being you, thank you for the call to action.
A while ago I saw something saying that "ally" in this context is a verb, not a noun. We who ally need to step up and prove it.
This past summer my family was in Texas for a few days visiting friends and checking off state #43 we've been to together. My oldest son is transgender and I worried about his safety so I made sure to remove the ally pins and stickers from my bags and clothes. He passes very well so that was probably overkill and later I felt like a coward for doing so. But TX bigotry and gun culture made me nervous. This feeling grew even more when I watched "Will & Harper;" they were so brave to be out there in unfriendly places (I'm sure the camera crew helped.)
In the comments here I found a link to a site that does training on "bystander intervention" I'm going to go through it and improve my allyship.
Such a shame. I am sorry you went through that. I visited Des Moines as a sponsor of a school trip and was pleasantly surprised by all the Pride signs in the downtown area. People can suck.