Dingus of the week: Kings

Plus, round two of Dingus Madness!

Two hundred and forty-nine years ago, our founding fathers said rather loudly, “Down with the monarchy!”

And this week, our sitting president has declared himself king.

On Wednesday, after proclaiming victory over New York’s new car-traffic toll plan for Manhattan, Donald Trump posted on Truth Social: “CONGESTION PRICING IS DEAD. Manhattan, and all of New York, is SAVED. LONG LIVE THE KING!” White House deputy chief of staff Taylor Budowich then posted on X a screenshot of Trump’s post juxtaposed with an AI-generated image of Trump in a crown with the New York skyline behind him. Then, the Official White House social media accounts also quoted Trump’s post and shared an illustration of Trump in a crown on the cover of Time magazine, with “TRUMP” in place of the TIME logo with the words “Long Live the King.”

King Dingus

All that wasted tea! We drowned good Earl Grey in that Boston Harbor just to eradicate fools like this. Listen to me, Benjamin H. Franklin didn’t die on a cross for our colonial sins just so we could circle back around to a system of government based around some inbred effete and his legion of failsons.

George Washington didn’t lose his teeth crossing the Delaware just so we could say, “Oops, nevermind” and go back to slavish obeisance to a dingus syndicate made of the worst DNA combinations possible.

Ironically, the political party that demands access to every type of weapon possible in case of a tyrannical government is the one that elected a tyrant and feels great about this. My friends, tyranny, is calling and the call is coming from inside the house. The WHITE HOUSE. You are holed up in your basement lair with those stockpiles of weapons because one time the Black president wore a tan suit, but the sitting president is going to call himself king and cut off your access to health care, the national parks, and roads, and you’re like, “Sure, this is fine.”

I want to be clear: I am not advocating for a war exactly or using all those weapons that you have sitting around. But I actually did read my history books, and the last time we had a revolution was because we had a king.

Imagine declaring yourself king in America. That’s like going to Comic-Con and saying you love that movie “Star Track.” That’s like telling a room full of Gen Xers that “Firefly” was just an okay show. That’s like going into a lion’s den and declaring yourself the slowest, sickest lil antelope guy.

Also, I would like to point out that Trump only believes he has the power of a king because every single powerful person in America is falling over backward to give it to him. Hell, even Democrats are like, “Oh no, whatever can we do? He’s too strong!”

He wouldn’t even have this kind of power if people would say, “You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause you won Pennsylvania.”

Also, Elon Musk is not an elected official. Why is he now our CFO?

Orange men lying in Florida distributing job titles is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical executive order.

Listen, it might be time to take a playbook from history and do a little uprising. I’m already sans culottes.

And now for something good

Mitch McConnell is retiring. And I know that leaves room for something or someone worse, but for now, let’s just enjoy that a real dingus is stepping down. We will remember you as a real horror show, Mitch. Thanks for ruining America. Also, in 2020 Mitch was the dingus for doing the absolute least and recognizing Joe Biden as president.

This week, US District Judge Ana C. Reyes took the Justice Department to the cleaners, calling them out for animus and focusing on “pronouns” as a red herring. The news summary of the exchange is great, but even better, some of the transcript. I need a cigarette after reading that.

Good news! My friend Kelsey McKinney debuted at NUMBER SIX on the New York Times bestseller list. Crushing the always a bridesmaid-never-a-bride of the dingus awards, Ross Douthat at No. 8.

Gisele Pelicot is one of TIME’s “women of the year.” And while I deeply believe that these awards are nonsense, Pelicot remains a model of strength and truth and unwavering moral clarity in a world that seeks to blame and gaslight women.

Speaking of moral clarity: Former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe made headlines when he was arrested for protesting at a Huntington Beach City Council meeting. "Remember — peaceful civil disobedience, and no kings, no tyrants. Not ever."

The Montana Supreme Court just ruled that a law defining sex as binary is unconstitutional.

And an Iowa State Student helped bring down a Nazi sexploitation scheme (and no, it wasn’t the DOGE Department).

Also, it’s been one whole year of my book This American Ex-Wife and the book is now out in paperback!

Dingus Madness: The Dirty 32

If you thought the first round of the Dingus Madness match ups were brutal, just wait. Round two pits Mike Johnson v. Lauren Bobert and Undecided Voters v. Andrew Tate. Let’s get to voting! We must crown a Dingus winner (loser?) of this ultimate dinguspalooza. Also, embedded in the voting rounds are links to their dingus write ups. Thank you again to Beau Anderson for doing this for us. This is the Lord’s (Satan’s?) work.

What I am enjoying

A dear friend of mine, after THREE YEARS of a grueling academic job search, has a job offer (multiple job offers, actually). And when my friends win, I win. It’s been such a stupid time for the economy and finding jobs and all of America, but it’s so great to see a good person finally get a break.

I also began the week toasting my dear friend Molly, who had great career success this week. In sum: All my friends are hot and successful! And it’s been a lovely week of sending “YOU FUCKING DID IT, YOU GLORIOUS BITCH!” texts to the women I love the most.

I’ve noticed, too, so many people in my life leveling up to meet the challenges of the moment. The people who are tired, exhausted, and overworked, who are smiling and saying, “Let’s get to work.” And shouldering up to the task at hand.

You may not know this, but I recently became board chair of the Iowa Abortion Access Fund. The job was foisted on me a little because of some board changes, and when I say it’s been overwhelming to take this role on while abortion is banned in the state and we have to work with partner organizations to get the money to Iowans in need, know that I am underselling it. More than once in the past month, I ended a call and burst into tears because I’ve felt so ill-equipped for this moment.

But it’s taught me to ask for help. It’s taught me that I am not alone and every person on the board (and even a lot of people who are not) have met these cries for help with a smile, rolledup their sleeves and gotten to work. It’s important work; it matters.

This weekend, I am going to a conference about abortion and activism that honors the life and legacy of Cecile Richards, which means going back to my home state of Texas and seeing my parents. And I hope to come back with more stories for you. New reporting. And fresh insights.

I would not be able to do this work without the people who subscribe to this newsletter. So, thank you.

Oh, also, another thing I am enjoying? Mezcal, bitch.