Dinguses of the Week: Post Foods and Kirk Ferentz

February is cursed. Let’s sage this place.

Welcome to February, it’s the worst month. It’s cold and dark. We are a little seasonally affected. Our lives are ruled by the furry fascist hand of the groundhog. These groundhogs are wrong 39 percent of the time, yet some Alex Jones-looking man doing Abraham Lincoln cosplay has to yank one out of a hole every February just to let us know we will be cold a little longer than we think we can handle. 

(Oh you live in Florida? Keep it to yourself! Oh, you have warm toes because your blood hasn’t gotten so cold it doesn’t know how to circulate? That’s warm toe privilege and you need to check yourself. Oh, you are pure of heart and actually enjoy Valentine's Day? Have you gotten that checked out by a doctor yet? There is medication and hope for you. It’s your birthday in February? How does it feel to be cursed?)

Nothing that happens in this month is real. And it’s best just to stay inside until it’s all over. 

Living in Iowa in February is a little bit like being stuck on a British sea-faring vessel in 1856. The weather is constantly changing. Everyone is getting mysteriously sick. The crew has cabin fever and is getting a wee bit mutinous. And it’s very likely that a little bit of vitamin C can cure whatever ails you.

In keeping with the spirit of the month (bad). I’m doing a dingus doubleheader.

Post Foods launched a vile-looking on-the-go cereal using the name of the beloved band OK GO! Post Foods tried to trademark the name, which the band has used for years. And then when the band said, “Hey that's our name, use a different name.” Post Foods decided to sue.  The cereal looks like some sort of powdered Soylent green situation, except probably less flavorful. Because at least Soylent is made of something real (people). What Post has made is a plastic cup filled with sugar and powdered milk. And are asking you to “just add water.” As if that will somehow make it all better. No, it will make it all soggy. And then you will have a plastic cup of mush that you will eat at your desk while typing out a never-ending amount of emails even Sisyphus got to get up and walk. I mean, even in hell you can make some toast. Whatever Post Foods hath wrought is a cup of dehydrated hopes and dreams. And they’re trying to steal a beloved band name to sell that vile post-industrial reconstituted waste product. 

OK Go @okgo

We have been sued by Post Foods. Have you ever had your name stolen by a multi-billion-dollar food processing Goliath?

So, Iowa is restricting trans rights, defunding schools, and proposing some truly frightening laws. But what really gets Iowans up in arms is that Iowa Hawkeye coach Kirk Ferentz will not fire his complete dud of a son, the offensive coordinator Brian Ferentz. If you don’t know, or don’t care, hang in there with me. Basically, Iowa’s offense has been bad, averaging just 250 yards per game last year, ranking 130th out of 131 teams nationally. Normally, if you are that bad, you make changes. But not this team. Not this coach. That’s not the Iowa way. No, the Iowa way is to double down on your bad decisions. Dig in. Make it worse. Really, the best aggressive play Iowa has made all year was in the press conference where Kirk Ferentz defended his large adult son. Oh also, Ferentz is being sued by former players for some racisms. Of course, when this happened, Hawkeye fans were quick to defend and dismiss the allegations. But now that Iowa is losing because of some classic Hapsburgian -chinned nepotism, everyone is scratching their heads wondering how this man could make such poor decisions. How could this man suddenly be bad? What happened?  So, you know what, Iowa you deserve this. This a classic case of dingus-on-dingus violence here, because, this is karma. You wanna race to the bottom? Great. The Lord God is abandoning you to the error of your ways. I hope all those Hawkeye fans are just miserable crying their Busch Lite tears on their floor mattresses with the unwashed maroon sheets. ¹

And Now Some Good Things:

• This woman has climbed Everest 10 times. And she will continue until our morale improves.

• NY Mag released a set of rules which is helpful, weird, and makes me a little concerned for the people who wrote them. But they are fun, read them. Get mad about them. Have a little discourse about them as a treat. 

• Nat Love and the history of Black cowboys. (Give me the movie!)

• Dolly Parton endorses carbs.

Dolly Parton @DollyParton

• Eggs are expensive, but the economy doesn’t actually suck as much as we’ve been told. This is confusing news for every Fox News commentator who yells about Joe Biden’s economy. And also to every farmer in Iowa who has a handpainted “Joe Biden sux” board leaning against his fence along the highway.

• THIS IS MIDWEST REPRESENTATION: “Lime jello? MORE LIKE CRIME JELLO!”

Wait? Where are the links?

I’m moving the weekly reads to a Sunday morning newsletter. The Friday dingus newsletter has grown a little too long and unwieldy. Every week, I find myself pushing up against the email length that Gmail allows. So, I’m breaking the newsletter apart and now the links email will be for subscribers only sent on Sunday. This will be a little morning treat for heathens who don’t attend church. Or maybe something for you to read in church. Unlike God, I’m not judging. The Friday and Wednesday emails will always be free! But this is a perk for paid subscribers. 

So, maybe this is the push you need to move to the paid level. And to ease the pain of the loss of links, I’m offering 20 percent off for a one-year subscription through the month of February.

And Now For A Drink:

It’s February. Dry January is over. I am now a 40-year-old woman who shuffles around her home muttering to herself and somehow secreting books and to-do lists from her pores. It’s giving the yellow wallpaper. It’s giving woman on the verge of walking into the sea.

So, it’s white wine spritzer time!  We need to pretend it’s porch-drinking weather until the weather improves. So, I’m going full white wine spritzer and mixing a little wine with some flavored sparkling water and topping with a little lemon. Maybe the lemon will fend off the scurvy.

Also, tell me your favorite audiobooks.

1. My apologies if you love the Hawkeyes and you are reading this asking, “Is Lyz OK?” Context: All through 2020 I was targeted for harassment by a particular Hawkeye sports forum. I’m kicking that hornet’s nest.