Dingus of the week: Thanksdingus
Taylor Kay Phillips writes about the holiday dingii
It’s hard writing a dingus every week and I am tired. And so, I invited comedian, and Emmy-winning writer Taylor Kay Phillips to crown a dingus for the newsletter. You might remember Taylor from one of the best dinguses of all time — when we did a dingus double header and she made fun of the Chiefs superfan who loves to do crimes. Or from when she roasted Aaron Rodgers with a fire hotter than Hades.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends.
–Lyz
P.S. We know we spelled “dingus” wrong in the subject line when the email went out. We’re sorry. But not that sorry. It’s a holiday week and “dignus” is cracking me up.
–Lyz’s editor
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and Happy Black Friday to oldest daughters screaming “WOULD YOUR AUNT LIKE THIS!?” to their spouses and texting “Mom will like this” to their siblings before ultimately buying both items and signing someone else’s name on the card.
This year, I am thankful for the health of my parents and in-laws, the communities of activists and artists working to both mitigate and bear witness to the damage of the next four years, good socks, cute mugs, friendship that doesn’t require performance, the fact that the Wicked movie is apparently good (!!!!), a perfect almond croissant, jogs in a chill that’s not quite cold, and that moment after a shower when you just kind of lie in bed with your towel scrolling on your phone before life starts back up again. (I call it Naked Internet)
I am also thankful, today and every day, for the ability to talk shit about things and people that I do not feel one itty bitty hint of gratitude for. And it is for this express purpose that I guest-appear in your inbox today.
A Roundup of Dinguses Specific to Thanksgiving Activities
Insulting Children and Teens as a Bit Dingus
These dinguses are out there dingusing every day, everywhere there is a Girl Scout or a kids’ menu, but they really rear their heads during family reunions. For some reason, in this season, they take it upon themselves to bring children and teenagers “down a peg” as if adolescence and having little to no control over your life were not already hard at work. “If you were my kid, you’d never get away with that,” they brag like weirdos. “If I’d done that when I was your age, I’d have gotten whupped,” they reminisce while soft-launching a compelling explanation for their behavior. “You know, if you pay a little more, they’ll give you the whole pair of pants!” they’ll comment on a teen girl’s clothing choices while calling 8-year-olds dumb as if that will stop people from noticing that they have nothing meaningful to say to the grownups beyond announcing loudly that they are one. I’d say Kindergarten Insult Comics belong at the kids’ table, but really they belong in the senior lounge of a high school where they’ll prepare themselves to be ripped apart by Mean Shallow Teens but will actually end up being awkwardly avoided and ignored for the whole day. Shut up! You are being weird!
Announcing That You’re a Bad Cook/Decorator/Gift Selector So You Actually Didn’t Do or Bring Anything Dingus
It is actually not cute to “just be along for the ride” in your 8th year of marriage. You should be a full participant in the ride! Making a huge, deep ass-print in the seat of someone else’s life is not a cute little quirk! It is a major personal failing! Fix yourself and bring a goddamn pie. You don’t have to make it. Do 5 minutes of research, find three positive Google reviews, and contribute.
Says the Word “Calories” on Thanksgiving (Even One Single Time) Dingus
These insidious dinguses make it their personal job to announce to everyone that Food Is Being Consumed. For hours before, during, and after the meal they loudly and persistently balk at the quantity, lest we all think that they regard this amount of food as “normal.” The joy (can we call it joy?) they derive from saying “it’s just so much!” is matched only by their ability to list the specific ingredients. “It’s so much sugar,” “it’s so much butter,” “it’s so much salt,” “it’s so much things people enjoy but if I say it in this tone they will realize that my knowledge and self-deprivation demonstrate a level of restraint and superiority that is more valuable than happiness. Satisfaction without guilt is barbaric. The absence of enjoyment is strength.”
Performatively Grossed Out by an Item of Food That Means Something to Someone That You Absolutely Do Not Have to Eat Dingus
Aunt Emily likes to put carrots in the Jell-O mold like her grandma used to. Cousin Alex likes his sweet potatoes with a crispy marshmallow topper. Grandma’s neighbor Eileen had Chex Mix on a Thanksgiving Road Trip once and she and her sister decided it should be a family tradition. These are all nice good things that the PGOBAIOFTMSTSTYADNHTE Dingus insists on ragging on just because they do not directly line up with their personal palate. They wait until enough people are in the room and then proclaim “Ugh! Carrots in Jell-O! I’ll bet there will be plenty of leftovers of that,” while looking around for someone to join their derision. These dinguses are often, blessedly, called out by fellow diners using tactics that range from the Kind, Pointed Explanation: “Oh, Emily makes it the way her grandmother used to!” to the Pleasant but Direct Reassurance: “Well, you don’t have to eat it!” to the Way I Handle It Much to the Chagrin of My Parents: “Quite a choice to walk into someone else’s kitchen and criticize someone else’s cooking while you’re loading up a plate someone else bought about to sit on someone else’s couch instead of just saying thank you or nothing!”
We should all be more like Joey.
Acting Like You Don’t Realize That Everyone Else Is Cleaning Up Now Dingus
These dinguses show up at family reunions, dinner parties, and also reunions of my personal (beloved) college friends. These dinguses are boys. These dinguses are not fooling anyone.
We must call out these dinguses in the moment and stop their partners from whispering “it’s fine” under their breath and rolling their eyes. We must say “Gentlemen? Notice anything?” and then when they’re like “Oooohhh” hit ‘em with a pointed “Mmmhmmmm,” and then stand and stare at them until they get up and grab a goddamn dish. We must be the change.
I am so beyond thankful to have found Lyz and her voice and for the honor that is being a small part of this Men Yell at Me community. Wishing you all a restful weekend and a peaceful holiday season. May you find that cute top on sale. May you realize you’re still on the phone right before you say the mean thing. May you get the blueberry muffin they were going to throw out anyway.
May your french fries be the kind you like. May your friends always tell you to shut up when you need to shut up. And may the dinguses you encounter be weird enough to make good stories and too dumb to make anything else.
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Taylor’s husband, Felipe Torres Medina, is a talented writer and comedian who works for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. He has a book coming out in March titled America, Let Me In. It’s a timely and satirical look at the American immigration system and is the perfect book to pre-order if you are into that sort of thing (reading).
 | A guest post by
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I have a small family. I’m an only child, my father was an Only and he died 9 years ago. My mom had one sister who died in 2011. I have two first cousins who live far away. My husband has one brother who spends holidays with his bitch of an ex-wife. Thus, I invite friends who don’t have other places to go or who have tiny kitchens and can’t cook. I get to use my good china and silver and they get excellent food in a safe place. I rarely repeat recipes other than the Southern cornbread dressing that my grandmother taught me to make. (I do a better job on that, too.)
My two sons help me cook and clean. I’m feeling quite proud of myself today.
I no longer live in the States so Thursday was just another work day where I could wallow in the soft-focus memories of all the ideal Thanksgivings of my life.
Thank you for bringing me rudely back down to earth (and making me snort-laugh in the doctor’s waiting room) with this pitch-perfect tribute to family holiday dinners everywhere.