Dingus of the week: Definitely not Stormy Daniels

Concrete jungle where felony convictions are made of

Yesterday, former President Donald Trump was found guilty of falsifying business records related to hush money payments made to Stormy Daniels in the run-up to the 2016 election.

He was found guilty on all 34 counts. And while it’s still too early to say what will happen, it currently appears that Donald Trump, now a convicted felon, can continue to run for president but may or may not be able to vote for president.

Incredible country we have here. It’s almost as if relying on norms and civility — rather than codifying them into laws with consequences —  brought us to a moment of political crisis where a man convicted of 34 felonies (with many more possible convictions before him!), whose supporters staged an insurrection, could theoretically become the president, again.

It’s also ironic that the man who ran on law and order, jailing criminals, and locking up his political rival could himself be locked up. 

I’d call this an unprecedented event. But at this point, based on the past eight years, I don’t think many events have precedent. So you’ll excuse me if I’m just over here smoking, wearing a beret and muttering, “I’ll unprecedented your ass.” Before taking a long, cynical drag.

Listen, as a millennial who graduated from college into the Great Recession, I would just like one major political event in my life to be precedented. And if there is some precedent, for it not to be like, Andrew Jackson, or the Teapot Dome scandal. 

All jokes aside, I am thinking a lot about what this moment cost Stormy Daniels. Daniels is a porn star who had sex with Trump in 2006 and was paid to lie about it in 2016. Earlier this month, Daniels took the stand to offer graphic details of her encounter with Trump. While Trump was not on trial for the sexual encounter itself, it was the reason for the payment and the falsification of financial documents. 

And where E. Jean Carroll was measured and focused during her testimony in a civil defamation trial against Trump, Daniels was lurid, raucous, and often cautioned by the judge for straying from the topic at hand. It takes difficult people to do difficult work in a difficult time. The New York Times described Daniels as “a complicated and imperfect witness.”  

Over the years, Daniels has been slut-shamed and harassed by late-night comedians, social media memes, internet commenters with their caustic cruelty, and pundits and talking heads of all stripes. She’s become a punchline to the dark comedy that is the American political moment. But never once has she been the victim of it all. Unlike so many women unwillingly sideswiped by political narratives, she’s never backed down from the mess. She’s maintained control of her narrative and her agency. And if her testimony felt a little below the belt, maybe it was exactly what was needed.

The exhaustion of this political age has been watching as man in power after man in power ignores the norms and conventions of their office to undermine our rights. And when we object, we are told to not be so loud, to ask nicely, protest more politely, to follow the standard rules and procedures. If you are going to scream because we are taking your rights away, please don’t scream so loudly; it’s unbecoming. 

Part of the jouissance of the moment is that Daniels didn’t play nice: She yelled, she got messy, and she still won. She didn’t pretend to be anyone other than who she is. She got paid, yes, but she also paid the price. She isn’t perfect, but no one is — and no one should have to be perfect to be believed, listened to, and seen as a full human being.

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And now for something good

There are no good billionaires, but Melinda Gates is donating $1 billion to help advance women’s rights and we love to see it. That money includes a large gift to one of my favorite news outlets, The 19th.

Also, New York City, you did good, kids.

An Irish walrus got a floating couch. I love him.

Next weekend, I am running 339 miles across Iowa to raise money for Iowa Abortion Access Fund and trans mutual aid. Read more about it and help my team out!

Congratulations also to Washington, D.C., where PANDAS ARE COMING BACK! ALSO, PANDA MERCH!! This means so much to 10-year-old Lyz, who wrote so many homeschool pamphlets about pandas.

What I am drinking

I am obviously drinking some whiskey to celebrate these unprecedented times. (*Warren G Harding raises his hand to interject, but I kick his ass back into the grave. “Not now, G!”)

And may I suggest that while you have your own celebrations this weekend, you toast the Manhattan district court with a Manhattan.

2 ounces rye whiskey

1 ounce sweet vermouth

2 dashes Angostura bitters

Garnish: brandied cherry (or lemon twist, if preferred)