Dinguses of the week: 15 governors saying “fuck them kids”

Also, don’t take our jizz and jet, you haters!

Welcome to the dingus of the week, This is the Friday newsletter where I make fun of someone or something in the news that has made America worse again, I can only make this newsletter because of support from readers. So please subscribe and share.

And now, for the dingii. There were quite a few this week.

One of the things about America is that there is absolutely no systemic excuse for children to go hungry. None at all. We have the money and the means to solve this problem. In fact, we had a program that was helping, the child tax credit. This program was expanded as part of the Build Back Better Act. The change to the program was that in addition to a tax credit it offered a monthly payment to low income families. The result was that it lifted 3.7 million children out of poverty; reduced child poverty by 30 percent; and helped food insufficiency rates among households with children drop by 26 percent.

But Sen. Joe Manchin said, “Let them eat bootstraps,” and worked to kill it. (Although, the senate is working on a deal to revive it.)

Following in the footsteps of pioneering dingii like Joe Manchin and the guy who yells “MORE? YOU WANT MORE?” to Oliver Twist, 15 Republican governors turned down the offer of federal assistance that would have gone to feed children in low-income households during the summer months. 

The program provides $120 per child, per month to families who already qualify for free lunches. Per the Washington Post, “Those who work with families in states where the food money has been turned down said the impact will be devastating and add pressure to private food banks. Hunger in the United States is on the rise as pandemic aid programs have wound down and food costs have skyrocketed. In 2022, food insecurity rates increased sharply, with 17.3 percent of households with children lacking enough food, up from 12.5 percent in 2021, according to the USDA.”

But I’m sure those governors have their very valid reasons for not giving food assistance to families in need. I’m sure they wouldn’t let kids in the wealthiest nation in the world go hungry. 

Let’s check in with a couple and see.

Nebraska Gov. Jim Pillen: “I don’t believe in welfare.”

Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds: “An EBT card does nothing to promote nutrition at a time when childhood obesity has become an epidemic.”

Nevermind. I take it back. Apparently, these governors were mad they didn’t get visited by three ghosts this Christmas and wanted to double down on their Dickensian villainy by doing a full “fuck them kids.”  

Reynolds' reasoning is particularly insidious, because it implies somehow that kids need to be hungrier in order to counteract childhood obesity. Obesity has many causes and can occur in tandem with food insecurity. It is not a reason to punish children for circumstances beyond their control.

Remember, these are children. They cannot go out and get a job. (At least, not until the Iowa legislature finally legalizes putting actual babies to work, although I have no idea what they’d be used for except by the military as germ warfare.)

And let’s take a peek at the states whose governors are declining this aid — Alabama, Alaska, Florida, Georgia, Iowa, Idaho, Nebraska, Louisiana, Mississippi, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, Vermont and Wyoming. And what do you know: With the exceptions of Alaska and Vermont, all of these states have restrictive abortion laws. So women will be forced to give birth and some of their kids will be forced to go hungry.

But to be fair, this is about their faith and country. And like Jesus said in John 49: 123b, “To hell with those smatchets.”

Runner Up: Maverick Gas Stations

By Shmeebster - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=87535779

For decades, Midwesterners have delighted in the masturbatory reference in the name of our beloved gas station chain, Kum & Go. We call it the masturbate and ejaculate, the jizz and jet, the bust a load and hit the road, the squirt and skirt.

We love our entendre. It’s our culture.

But those pusillanimous puritans at Maverick gas stations, who bought the brand last year, are going to change the name. 

Listen here you humorless cucks, WE GOT ONE THING THAT GIVES US JOY ON ROAD TRIPS AND THAT'S OUR MASTURBATION JOKES.  

I’m sure Maverick management, consisting of Joyhater Badinbed, Piety Nofun, and Chastity Incel, all think they are making a good decision. But they aren’t. Also, the CEO of Maverick is named Chuck Maggelet, which is somehow dirtier than Kum and Go!Are they changing the name because in bed, women usually go away from them more than they kum? 

Literally the only reason we like that gas station is the chicken tenders and the jokes. AND THEY ALWAYS RUN OUT OF CHICKEN TENDERS.

Give us our meat and our meat jokes, you insufferable, self-righteous, permavirgins. 

And now for something good:

• CAITLIN CLARK CEREAL! The cereal is available for a limited time and the proceeds will go to the Caitlin Clark Foundation, which is dedicated to improving the lives of Iowa youth through nutrition and sports. And it’s kind of dystopian that Caitlin Clark’s cereal will do more for the youth of Iowa than the actual governor.

• An Ohio grand jury declines to pursue charges that arose from a miscarriage. (I wrote about Brittany Watts and Kate Cox last year.)

• Iowan Nikole Hannah Jones won a Golden Globe and twirls on the haters.

• Saint Paul has an all-female city council and the men are concerned.

• Whippin’ shitties is our AMERICAN RIGHT!

• The Biden administration is considering rules to limit contracting work which is good because we need some healthcare!

• The bar is so low that banning a few Nazis on Substack is a win!

• The This American Ex-Wife podcast is doing gangbusters with over 30,000 downloads for the first five episodes! I am told this is AMAZING for an independent podcast. Or just any new podcast in general.

• And this community raised around $4,000 for the Iowa Abortion Access fund! Thank you all so much. I got a note from our money guy who said that I have a really great newsletter community.

What I am drinking:

I snuck away to NYC this weekend for a friend’s birthday party while my state is overrun by Republican candidates. And I made it out on the one day in between all the blizzards.

NYC is a balmy tropical island compared to Iowa this week. I remember in 2009 when I was working remotely for a love and relationship website and I came out to NYC to meet the team, and my boss asked me if I knew how to dress for a New York winter. “It gets really cold,” she said very seriously. “Bring a heavy coat.”

Thank you, Andrea. I love you still.

Honestly, it was a great job and I met some of the best people there. (Hi Thomas!)

Anyway, I got to meet

Jessica Valenti

for some amazing food at La Vara in Brooklyn. And later, I had a mezcal old-fashioned at an Iranian bar, where there was lovely music and poetry. And I got to meet Priya, my new best friend.

May you all meet friends and hear new music and escape the cold. Just for a little bit.