Dingus of the Week: William English

Is he smart or does he just wear a bow tie?

Welcome to the weekly dingus, the newsletter where I make fun of someone or something in the news that is making our lives just a little bit worse.

Is that dingus a politician? A boat in a canal? My dog? Or maybe it’s just pants. You can read about past weekly dinguses in the archives.

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You probably don’t know the name William English. His name sounds like the name of someone your AP Lit teacher thinks actually wrote Hamlet.¹ In fact, William English is a Georgetown professor who has quietly become very influential in the pro-gun world, because, according to the New York Times, he published a study that presumably shows that “that guns are used in self-defense 1.67 million times a year, a high figure that has resonated in the courts: A federal judge last year cited it as he invalidated California’s assault weapons ban.”

It’s a classic case of a white guy with some Ivy League degrees being considered an unbiased expert and getting the benefit of every doubt. Now his work is now being wielded to dismantle gun restrictions, and all our lives just got a little worse.

In reality, English has been taking pay-outs from gun rights groups, which he didn’t disclose. And his work is very shoddy. To quote the NYT again, “Dr. Matthew Miller, part of a team at Northeastern and Harvard universities that for years has conducted its own firearms survey, said some of Dr. English’s findings on self-defense strain credulity’ and his methodology yielded ‘absurd’ estimates. Another researcher, Louis Klarevas of Columbia University, has criticized Dr. English’s work in expert reports for states defending against gun lawsuits and said he has not followed standard ethics practices for revealing funding sources.”

I need us to stop doing this.

We need to stop thinking that every white guy with glasses is smart. It’s going to destroy the fabric of America if we can’t get it together.

This has happened repeatedly with Brad Wilcox, the head of the Institute for Family Studies, a right-wing organization that opposes same-sex marriage and whose research is dubious at best. And yet, very serious white male critics like Nick Kristof and David Brooks uncritically cite this man’s work to bolster their own bespectacled misogyny. 

Somehow the American intellectual class has just become a ouroboros of white guys with glasses all quoting each other until we slowly get swallowed by the sea.

I need us to do better. I need the AP Style guide to have journalists ask themselves a series of questions (this will also help you with your dating life, should you date men), such as:

• Is he smart or is he just tall?

• Is he smart or does he just have nice glasses?

• Is he smart or does his name just Jonathan Currithers Higheyeque?

• Is he smart or is he just carrying a book?

• Is he smart or did he just say “Joan Didion” twice?

• Is he smart or did he just go to Georgetown?²

• Is he smart or is he just four “Well actuallys” in a trench coat?

• Is he smart or does he just make your misogyny more palatable?

• Is he smart or does he just have basic grooming habits?

• Is he smart or does he just wear jeans to corporate meetings?

• Is he smart or does he just have a British accent?³

• Is he smart or did he just quote Karl Marx once?

• Is he smart or is he just playing devil’s advocate?

If we can apply these litmus tests to men, we might better be able to dismantle societal problems like the mass proliferation of weapons and rolling women’s rights so far back that even the yellow wallpaper is wondering if we shouldn’t let women be a little less oppressed. Even torch-wielding Puritans are like, “Yo, let them live.” Rights are rolling so far back that Henry VIII starts looking like a feminist hero. (At least he promoted women! From mistress to wife, for example, and from alive to dead. This joke makes sense, leave me alone.)

Dingus runner-up: Louisiana

Louisiana just passed a law requiring all public school classrooms to display the Ten Commandments. This is one of those stunts that Republican lawmakers like to roll out every couple of years just to make some headlines. The reality is this law will cost the state thousands of dollars in legal fees; it will eventually be struck down; they’ll get to claim to be the victim of a godless culture; and then they’ll cut the budget for public schools because the cost of government is so expensive. Like even the eagle that eats Prometheus' liver every day is sick of this nonsense. 

Fortunately, this dingus behavior has already been roasted expertly by Garrett Bucks, who ranked the Ten Commandments in order of their relevance to a grade school classroom. 

And by George Carlin.

And now for something good

USA WOMEN’S SWIMMING! 

The Swedes celebrate Midsummer in a particularly deranged way and I love it. To quote friend of the newsletter Molly Monk, “Everybody needs to do more silly things.”

It’s an official quote! She was quoted in the Moville Record as part of a feature on Relay Iowa. 

FRONT PAGE IN THE PAPER OF RECORD! The Moville Record. If you squint you can see me, Molly, Beau Anderson, Tony Tran, and Ted Weiland. Oh and ME!

Democrats are (FINALLY) trying to repeal the Comstock Act. And look at who is behind this push? Minnesota Senator Tina Smith. I profiled Sen. Smith in 2022 and I am happy to say she’s still doing the work.

Denmark's men’s soccer team refused a pay raise so they can ensure that the women’s team is paid equally. And excuse me, I think I need to move to Denmark now.

Former Dingus of the Week award winner Justin Timberlake was arrested this week for drunk driving. And drunk driving is not good. But what was very fun was we got a JT mug shot, a lot of memes, and a “Do you know who I am” moment, where the police officer did not in fact know who he was. 

Dingus of the week: It's gonna be Mike Johnson

What I am drinking

On Monday, I ended up taking my son to urgent care because he had been so sick for so long that I was worried he was dehydrated. When we got there, we were sent to the ER because the doctor was also concerned about dehydration. And I spent the entire day in the hospital with my little guy, getting him fluids and getting him checked out. He’s okay and almost 100 percent recovered.

He was such a sweet guy about it. He cracked jokes with the nurses and made me watch the Euro2024 soccer games. 

But it was a long day and I simply do not like seeing children in hospital beds. Children should not be allowed to be sick at all. 

When we finally made it home around 6pm, I made my daughter dinner but left the broiler on and almost burned down the house because I’d left my good frying pan in the oven.

Then, on Wednesday, my dishwasher broke. And I was like, screw it. I simply cannot cook or be bothered to wash dishes. So I took myself out to eat at my favorite restaurant with a copy of A.S. Byatt’s short stories, which was the right decision in a long week of just trying to survive.

While out, I did learn about Gamay wine, which is very light and fruit-forward. And I love it so much. 

So cheers to good wine and kids being okay and all the friends who helped me out that day, and this week. And now, if summer could just ease its foot off my neck, I would appreciate it.

1. False, it was Queen Elizabeth I.

2. That’s right, Hoyas, you heard me.

3. I need to stop falling for this one. Physician heal thyself, amirite?