This is bringing up a memory of a time I was buying something at a store and the cashier asked me what I like to do for fun. And I COULDN’T THINK OF ONE THING that I currently do that isn’t a need or obligation. It has haunted me!
It is haunting! I had a new-mom friend tell me that her idea of an evening out was to sit in her car at Sonic and "try to remember what I like to do." That was more than 20 years and and I never forgot it.
Ugh - I have a friend I see infrequently and one of her routine questions is "What brings you joy?" And every time it catches me off-guard and I never have an answer for it! I have things I like to do (but I lead a pretty relaxed lifestyle so few of them qualify as "fun") and time to do them. But even now thinking about it there's very little that I would count as "joyful."
That is one of my least favorite questions! I once had a co-worker who - every Monday - would ask - "what did you do for fun this weekend!?" - and since at that time I'd typically be drinking myself into oblivion but didn't want to disclose that - I finally asked her to stop asking me that question!
"What brings you joy!?" is another non-starter. Lol!
I’m 60 and if y’all think forty-year-olds are portrayed badly in media, let me show you us AARP eligible types. We’re either nutcases or harridans. Also, all the men our age are chasing 22-year-olds. If we need more positive views of middle age, we direly need something better for everyone past that point.
Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to imply anything negative about your piece at all, only to complain about how movies portray women older than you are. As far as the media is concerned, especially men in media, women die at age 26.
All the ageist Anne Hathaway chatter inspired by The Idea of You is inane. Dudes in their 20’s not ready to settle down going after older women is BRILLIANT. We are interesting, experienced, have our own money, are done worrying about making families (and may no longer have the parts to accidentally get pregnant, woohoo!). The biological clock has stopped ticking and we are on our own timetable now. We are busy and don’t have time to pine for anyone or anything. Many of us have been married already and are in no hurry to hitch ourselves to someone who doesn’t deserve us. And isn’t that what dudes are always so so scared of? Being trapped? Being pressured? Commitments? Uh huh.
I’m old and gray and SO proud of it! I’ve earned my stripes and the right to be taken seriously even if I’m wearing a sequin skirt on a Wednesday morning and driving a sparkly van covered in Taylor Swift stickers. I walk out of rooms that don’t welcome me and conversations that don’t serve me. I walk away from people who give me bad vibes, the creeps, or just rub me the wrong way. I block people who ask stupid questions. I eat potato chips with my kids on nights we don’t feel like making dinner. I snuggle on the couch instead of carpe-ing every diem. I live this life fully and beautifully in a way I couldn’t when I was too young and stupid to appreciate it, too young to know those rules weren’t made to help me.
I freakin LOVED the book and can’t wait to watch the movie
I just started watching the show 9-1-1. First season features a romance between a 26 year old fireman and a 40 something single 9-1-1 operator caring for her Alzheimer’s stricken mom. It was my favorite relationship in the show and showed growth for both characters.
I just started watching it in season 7 when it moved to "Grey's Anatomy" night (we all have our guilty pleasures). That made me want to start at the beginning. It's a bit addicting and goes fairly fast. They gloss over a lot of "wait-now THOSE people are dating" moments but the actors are fun to watch (ANGELA F-ING BASSETT for one), and the characters are likeable.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about how I actually don't want to be a Serious Person. I work so hard and I take care of my responsibilities, but that isn't *who I am*. I'm working now to release the silly goose in me, to own the mess and humanity, to bust out of the seams. Great article!
Now and forever you are entitled to remind your kids, over and over, that getting published in Rolling Stone increased your coolness factor by a thousand. At least according to the olds.
After my husband died, 2.5 years ago, I did exactly this - have fun and literally fuck around (I was 54, now I'm 56). I was pretty much in shock the first year, but I sure did enjoy myself. There's something about watching my person die that made me not give a fuck what people thought of me. I'm not posting any links, but if you want to read about my adventures or see the alter ego I created on Instagram you can find me on Substack or at jenny.manhattan.milf. The difference between me and Anne Hathaway's character is that I paid for the hotel rooms and the chicken fingers myself.
I was celibate for three years after my marriage ended. Too much trauma and my choosing mechanisms felt very, very broken. I didn't trust myself or anyone. But three years is a long-ass time, so eventually I took a lover. This meant I was the "happy, occasional side piece" for the husband of one of my dear friends who were poly. And it was perfect, because I wanted to get laid by someone nice who I could trust, but I didn't want a romantic relationship. So, he'd come over every few weeks, we'd have a bunch of sex, and then he'd go back to his wife to do all the emotional shit that I had no capacity for at that point.
It has been rare for me to find lovers since that situation ended that aren't vaguely and often unconsciously uncomfortable with female desire. They want you to want it, but not too much, and only the way they want it. The last lover was better on that score, but an alcoholic, so there went that. I'm hopeful the future will be better. I am way too young to stop fucking, and feel like I have some time to make up with all the mediocre sex I submitted to until I was nearly 50.
I completely agree with everything you said. After my year of "doing whatever I wanted," the shock wore off and I haven't been with anyone in almost 2 years. Men are selfish, even (especially?) in the bedroom. If I had a dollar for every man who claimed to be an expert at oral, but never ask me what I liked, I'd be a billionaire. Thank you, next!
I am so sorry you've been forced to join the grief club. It sucks, and most of the members are wonderful. So much duality to life now. I tell people is that whatever brings me the most joy, also creates a lot of sorrow. I've been in a lot of grief groups with widows, and one of the things we all have in common (besides dead partners) is how hard we can be on ourselves: we don't have the capacity to do everything we used to do, we aren't "healing" fast enough, we aren't the same people, and while we miss who we were, we also love the creativity born of traumatic loss and deep grief. If you can help it, don't "should" on yourself. Do what you want, and if you change your mind, you can always pivot. I think of it as data collection, I learned something about myself that I couldn't have known unless I tried. It's not easy, but I try to give myself the same grace I give to other widows.
Great review, Lyz. Perfect, really. A much older woman, I too loved the movie. The crucial scene, her humiliation by the pool, resonated so deeply I had to pause the program to calm my hyperventilating. That sort of humiliation happens very too often to much older women. Yes, younger women are sometimes the perps, but almost anyone feels license to snark. Including, but not limited to, family members and children. We are invisible, scorned, or talked down to while walking on the sidewalk, doing business, at events, speaking out loud, sitting quietly. The trajectory of life is long, if we’re lucky, and today when I go for my usual 7 mile walk, I will feel gloriously alive because as f’ed up as the world is and as fraught as humanity is, this is the day I have.
Ah, as you usually do, you NAILED it! Thanks for the continued elucidation, education, inspiration and, yes, laughter. My subscription to your Substack is SO well-spent!
I think this may be my next tattoo-Every woman my age I know is exhausted from managing children, unequal partnerships, aging parents, the erosion of our rights, careers where pay gaps still exist and there is no girlbossing our way out of them. Over the past decade, we voted. Pantsuitted. Pussy hatted. #MeToo-ed. Shouted our abortions. All to end up here, in 2024, in this Temu-brand 2016 redux. It’s enough to make any woman commit an (alleged) murder or walk into the sea. Or hey, why not both? It’s 2024, women can have it all. But only when it comes to tragic endings.
It's hard for me to think of Anne Hathaway as middle aged. That is beside the point. This was the funnest review I've read in a while. I'm afraid all I can think about is Stormy Daniels' testimony that Trump said she reminded him of his daughter Ivanka when they were having sex. Ewww.
This: "country that would rather fight war after war than give us reproductive rights."
I just read "Dykes To Watch Out For" by Alison Bechdel (she of the test) which covers the 1990s and we in the same hell we were in thirty years ago. I swear we are in a circular time warp.
Thanks for this—the book is totally kick-ass and while I agree with other commentators that the movie tones it down, it’s still great to see older women having fun, and lots of great sex.
In the book it was 40-19, and I’m really really glad they upped it to 24 for the movie!!! In my mind 21 feels like a hard line- if they are too young to drink I’d feel parental.
I still have a few pangs of guilt for the fun, carefree moments I stole while my sons were in daycare. Skating! Lunch with girlfriends. Solitary walks on the beach. My kids are now nearly 40 themselves.
My siblings and I were raised by a single mom, a lifer waitress who divorced our violent father in 1960. She was a role model for grabbing joyful moments. For laughing with her entire body. For having our back no matter what…a man she was dating called us ‘incorrigible’ after I accidentally backed into his stupid Toyota with my mom’s new Charger. She dumped his ass, too.
Those pangs of guilt don’t get me down too much ☺️
This is bringing up a memory of a time I was buying something at a store and the cashier asked me what I like to do for fun. And I COULDN’T THINK OF ONE THING that I currently do that isn’t a need or obligation. It has haunted me!
It is haunting! I had a new-mom friend tell me that her idea of an evening out was to sit in her car at Sonic and "try to remember what I like to do." That was more than 20 years and and I never forgot it.
oh man, I feel this
Ugh - I have a friend I see infrequently and one of her routine questions is "What brings you joy?" And every time it catches me off-guard and I never have an answer for it! I have things I like to do (but I lead a pretty relaxed lifestyle so few of them qualify as "fun") and time to do them. But even now thinking about it there's very little that I would count as "joyful."
I am right there with you.
That is one of my least favorite questions! I once had a co-worker who - every Monday - would ask - "what did you do for fun this weekend!?" - and since at that time I'd typically be drinking myself into oblivion but didn't want to disclose that - I finally asked her to stop asking me that question!
"What brings you joy!?" is another non-starter. Lol!
I’m 60 and if y’all think forty-year-olds are portrayed badly in media, let me show you us AARP eligible types. We’re either nutcases or harridans. Also, all the men our age are chasing 22-year-olds. If we need more positive views of middle age, we direly need something better for everyone past that point.
I don’t think any of what I wrote was exclusively about 40yos. I think it was actually pretty encompassing of all ages
Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to imply anything negative about your piece at all, only to complain about how movies portray women older than you are. As far as the media is concerned, especially men in media, women die at age 26.
I really do enjoy all your work!
no kidding!
All the ageist Anne Hathaway chatter inspired by The Idea of You is inane. Dudes in their 20’s not ready to settle down going after older women is BRILLIANT. We are interesting, experienced, have our own money, are done worrying about making families (and may no longer have the parts to accidentally get pregnant, woohoo!). The biological clock has stopped ticking and we are on our own timetable now. We are busy and don’t have time to pine for anyone or anything. Many of us have been married already and are in no hurry to hitch ourselves to someone who doesn’t deserve us. And isn’t that what dudes are always so so scared of? Being trapped? Being pressured? Commitments? Uh huh.
I’m old and gray and SO proud of it! I’ve earned my stripes and the right to be taken seriously even if I’m wearing a sequin skirt on a Wednesday morning and driving a sparkly van covered in Taylor Swift stickers. I walk out of rooms that don’t welcome me and conversations that don’t serve me. I walk away from people who give me bad vibes, the creeps, or just rub me the wrong way. I block people who ask stupid questions. I eat potato chips with my kids on nights we don’t feel like making dinner. I snuggle on the couch instead of carpe-ing every diem. I live this life fully and beautifully in a way I couldn’t when I was too young and stupid to appreciate it, too young to know those rules weren’t made to help me.
I freakin LOVED the book and can’t wait to watch the movie
I just started watching the show 9-1-1. First season features a romance between a 26 year old fireman and a 40 something single 9-1-1 operator caring for her Alzheimer’s stricken mom. It was my favorite relationship in the show and showed growth for both characters.
Ok now you’ve made me want to watch a show about cops! Wonders never cease!!!!!!!
If it helps, it's about firefighters and paramedics, too.
I just started watching it in season 7 when it moved to "Grey's Anatomy" night (we all have our guilty pleasures). That made me want to start at the beginning. It's a bit addicting and goes fairly fast. They gloss over a lot of "wait-now THOSE people are dating" moments but the actors are fun to watch (ANGELA F-ING BASSETT for one), and the characters are likeable.
OH OH OH i was thinking of Brooklyn 9-1-1 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I love that one too! LOL.
But no May/December type romance as I recall. Amy's my organizational hero :D :D
Adding both to the queue!!!!
I’m in awe of this comment.
Awww thank you! 😊
Lately I've been thinking a lot about how I actually don't want to be a Serious Person. I work so hard and I take care of my responsibilities, but that isn't *who I am*. I'm working now to release the silly goose in me, to own the mess and humanity, to bust out of the seams. Great article!
RELEASE THE SILLY GOOSE! Yes to this, I love it. Or as @charmoffensivetees said on Insta that I’ve taken as a type of mantra - prioritise frolicking.
Now and forever you are entitled to remind your kids, over and over, that getting published in Rolling Stone increased your coolness factor by a thousand. At least according to the olds.
From one grown-ass woman who would just like a chance to fantasize and fuck in the midst of all (gestures around wildly)… this, thank you.
After my husband died, 2.5 years ago, I did exactly this - have fun and literally fuck around (I was 54, now I'm 56). I was pretty much in shock the first year, but I sure did enjoy myself. There's something about watching my person die that made me not give a fuck what people thought of me. I'm not posting any links, but if you want to read about my adventures or see the alter ego I created on Instagram you can find me on Substack or at jenny.manhattan.milf. The difference between me and Anne Hathaway's character is that I paid for the hotel rooms and the chicken fingers myself.
I was celibate for three years after my marriage ended. Too much trauma and my choosing mechanisms felt very, very broken. I didn't trust myself or anyone. But three years is a long-ass time, so eventually I took a lover. This meant I was the "happy, occasional side piece" for the husband of one of my dear friends who were poly. And it was perfect, because I wanted to get laid by someone nice who I could trust, but I didn't want a romantic relationship. So, he'd come over every few weeks, we'd have a bunch of sex, and then he'd go back to his wife to do all the emotional shit that I had no capacity for at that point.
It has been rare for me to find lovers since that situation ended that aren't vaguely and often unconsciously uncomfortable with female desire. They want you to want it, but not too much, and only the way they want it. The last lover was better on that score, but an alcoholic, so there went that. I'm hopeful the future will be better. I am way too young to stop fucking, and feel like I have some time to make up with all the mediocre sex I submitted to until I was nearly 50.
I completely agree with everything you said. After my year of "doing whatever I wanted," the shock wore off and I haven't been with anyone in almost 2 years. Men are selfish, even (especially?) in the bedroom. If I had a dollar for every man who claimed to be an expert at oral, but never ask me what I liked, I'd be a billionaire. Thank you, next!
Yeah, the Venn diagram of men who proudly proclaim they're oral sex experts and also never ask what you actually want is a circle.
I literally just laughed out loud. Thank you! A circle, yup. 🤣🤣🤣
I was also 54 when my husband passed away last year. It’s been just over a year and I am almost ready to go be a hot widow having fun.
I am so sorry you've been forced to join the grief club. It sucks, and most of the members are wonderful. So much duality to life now. I tell people is that whatever brings me the most joy, also creates a lot of sorrow. I've been in a lot of grief groups with widows, and one of the things we all have in common (besides dead partners) is how hard we can be on ourselves: we don't have the capacity to do everything we used to do, we aren't "healing" fast enough, we aren't the same people, and while we miss who we were, we also love the creativity born of traumatic loss and deep grief. If you can help it, don't "should" on yourself. Do what you want, and if you change your mind, you can always pivot. I think of it as data collection, I learned something about myself that I couldn't have known unless I tried. It's not easy, but I try to give myself the same grace I give to other widows.
waving, asha! go for it!
Love the "tabula rasa/palimpsest" line!! Thanks for sharing this-- rarely read Rolling Stone any more...
100% on both points!
Great review, Lyz. Perfect, really. A much older woman, I too loved the movie. The crucial scene, her humiliation by the pool, resonated so deeply I had to pause the program to calm my hyperventilating. That sort of humiliation happens very too often to much older women. Yes, younger women are sometimes the perps, but almost anyone feels license to snark. Including, but not limited to, family members and children. We are invisible, scorned, or talked down to while walking on the sidewalk, doing business, at events, speaking out loud, sitting quietly. The trajectory of life is long, if we’re lucky, and today when I go for my usual 7 mile walk, I will feel gloriously alive because as f’ed up as the world is and as fraught as humanity is, this is the day I have.
Ah, as you usually do, you NAILED it! Thanks for the continued elucidation, education, inspiration and, yes, laughter. My subscription to your Substack is SO well-spent!
I think this may be my next tattoo-Every woman my age I know is exhausted from managing children, unequal partnerships, aging parents, the erosion of our rights, careers where pay gaps still exist and there is no girlbossing our way out of them. Over the past decade, we voted. Pantsuitted. Pussy hatted. #MeToo-ed. Shouted our abortions. All to end up here, in 2024, in this Temu-brand 2016 redux. It’s enough to make any woman commit an (alleged) murder or walk into the sea. Or hey, why not both? It’s 2024, women can have it all. But only when it comes to tragic endings.
It's hard for me to think of Anne Hathaway as middle aged. That is beside the point. This was the funnest review I've read in a while. I'm afraid all I can think about is Stormy Daniels' testimony that Trump said she reminded him of his daughter Ivanka when they were having sex. Ewww.
This: "country that would rather fight war after war than give us reproductive rights."
I just read "Dykes To Watch Out For" by Alison Bechdel (she of the test) which covers the 1990s and we in the same hell we were in thirty years ago. I swear we are in a circular time warp.
Love the review x
Thanks for this—the book is totally kick-ass and while I agree with other commentators that the movie tones it down, it’s still great to see older women having fun, and lots of great sex.
40 and 24 feels more like March-June romance, but all other points very well-made...
I don't write the subheads
In the book it was 40-19, and I’m really really glad they upped it to 24 for the movie!!! In my mind 21 feels like a hard line- if they are too young to drink I’d feel parental.
Holy shit. I love you. YES, I’ve had some wine!
I still have a few pangs of guilt for the fun, carefree moments I stole while my sons were in daycare. Skating! Lunch with girlfriends. Solitary walks on the beach. My kids are now nearly 40 themselves.
My siblings and I were raised by a single mom, a lifer waitress who divorced our violent father in 1960. She was a role model for grabbing joyful moments. For laughing with her entire body. For having our back no matter what…a man she was dating called us ‘incorrigible’ after I accidentally backed into his stupid Toyota with my mom’s new Charger. She dumped his ass, too.
Those pangs of guilt don’t get me down too much ☺️