Dingus of the week: Gavin Newsom

What happens when a vampire bites ‘American Psycho’?

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Not since Ronald Reagan has America seen a Republican politician quite like Gavin Newsom.

Newsom began his career as a Democrat, but only grudgingly so. When he served on the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, Newsom described himself as a “social liberal and fiscal watchdog.” Which means we all should have seen this coming, because everyone who called themselves “socially liberal but fiscally conservative” in the late ‘90s and early aughts is a Trump supporter now.

Newsom, now the governor of California, is still a Democrat on paper, but has become one of America’s foremost Republicrats. A Democrat who is bold, brave, and not afraid to watch hours and hours of Fox News and ask bold questions — the questions you weak libs are too cowardly to ask, like, Should we harass homeless people some more? And, Does Charlie Kirk have some good ideas about white power?

In a recent New York Times article, Wade Crowfoot, who is Newsom’s secretary of natural resources, said this: “He’s never been afraid to buck orthodoxy and by that, I mean advance something outside of the comfort zone of the Democratic Party.”

Outside of the comfort zone of the Democratic Party? You mean like being a Republican?

To be fair, Newsom was a Democrat for a while. As San Francisco mayor, he pushed for legal same-sex marriage. As governor, he signed a bill expanding Medi-Cal, the health-care program for low-income Californians, to cover more undocumented immigrants.

But it’s worth remembering that the moment that almost ended his career was when he was photographed out dining at a Michelin-starred restaurant with lobbyists and healthcare workers, during lockdown. Gavin Newsom’s one true cause is Gavin Newsom.

At some point, Newsom’s son started listening to Charlie Kirk, and Newsom was like, “How do you do, fellow kids!” Newsom, by his own account, listened to Kirk — a right-wing extremist who has a huge platform — and then decided, “I will create a podcast so we can talk about these ideas. Liberals don’t talk about this stuff.”

And it’s like, Governor Haircut, my guy, these ideas are being talked about every day in the pages of that little rag called the New York Times. Charlie Kirk has been enormously successful! THE PEOPLE BE TALKING. And I understand Newsom wants to attract more young men to the Democratic Party, okay. But I am not convinced he’d be as concerned if women were the ones changing their voter registrations.

Also, a Democratic governor going full Groyper Lite podcast bro is not going to make a generation of young men suddenly say, “You know what? I actually do support abortion rights and universal health care.”

Every time Republicans move to the right, a certain cohort of Democrats chase after them, and now the Overton window has just become one big hole in the wall.

Now it’s “centrist” to criminalize homelessness and balance your budget on the backs of low-income immigrants?

Of course the podcast is a launchpad for an inevitable presidential run. Because any politician with a full head of hair in their late 50s has JFK dreams. Some McKinsey consultant needs to tell male politicians that lustrous locks are no replacement for policy ideas or a little charisma.

But Newsom combines JFK dreams with the personality of RFK Jr.’s brainworm.

Plus, as a dry run for the presidency, the podcast is pretty pathetic. Its entire premise is just him nodding meekly along as his far-right guests say the vilest shit. Newsom is happy to throw trans people under the bus if it means he can hang out with Joe Rogan.

This is the audience you want to cultivate? You want incels? You want an audience bathing in beef tallow and calling school shootings false flags? Like, I know we want a big tent, but shouldn’t there be some security at the entrance? Also, big enough for who? Because that’s not a tent I want to be in. It’s not a tent that trans people want to be in. Newsom’s tent is just big enough for the Groypers.

All these politicians who decide to be Republicrats — straddling the middle and throwing trans people under the bus so they look good with the Cybertruck humpers — take their Democratic base for granted. As ever, the logic is that a male politician can basically abandon his party, spit in the face of the homeless and refuse to say the word “abortion,” and the people who still care about progressive priorities will vote for him because he’s “our best shot.”

Best shot for what? Gavin? For what?

I do not for one minute believe that life is better with a Republicrat at the wheel. You know what’s in the middle of the road? Roadkill.

So now Patagonia-brand Charlie Kirk is rolling back health care for immigrants, tossing trans people under the bus and proposing laws that harm unhoused people in hopes of building an audience by embracing hate. Because some $20,000-a-month consultant is telling him that a little light misogyny plays so well with the under-30 crowd.

Newsom perfectly encapsulates a type of politician whose head is filled with personal ambition, hair gel, and nothing else.

And now for something good

John Ewing Jr. won the mayoral race in Omaha by specifically pointing out how weird it is for politicians to be focused on trans people in bathrooms over the issues that actually impact the city.

A judge in Michigan overturned the state’s 24-hour waiting period on abortion.

John Oliver took a shot of Malort.

The Wolves won! And are on their way to the playoffs.

Because she is an avid reader of this very newsletter,

Priyanka Mattoo

is doing a giveaway of her brilliant memoir BIRD MILK & MOSQUITO BONES, which comes out in paperback June 17. Click here to be entered into the drawing.

On Saturday, at 1 pm, Rachel McCarthy James and I will be in conversation at the Cedar Rapids Public Library, talking about her new book, Whack Job: A History of Axe Murder. More details can be found here.

Something I am enjoying

It’s the time of year for “Job? What job?” weather. When it’s so beautiful outside and the restaurants have opened their patios. And we can sit and drink wine and yap with our friends. Or, as is my custom, bring a book to a restaurant patio, drink wine and destroy a plate of fries. The fact that white wine and fries is not a happy hour special is proof that despite what the man podcasts say, the world is not made for women.

I would also take a vodka martini and fries. Please, this is my culture, the food of my people.

That is what I enjoyed this week, a few hours where I got to read a Karin Slaughter novel, on a patio, with wine and fries, in the sun, with my phone on airplane mode.