Dingus of the Week: James Carville
Also, the god-given right to dip pizza in ranch
This is the Dingus of the Week, the newsletter where I make fun of someone or something in the news. The dingus is that newsletter you open when you need a laughter through tears moment after reading the news.
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This week, Democratic strategist James Carville, who hasn’t been relevant since marital rape was outlawed in all 50 states, was interviewed by New York Times opinion columnist Maureen Dowd. I read the whole thing so you don’t have to and then I proceeded to take 50 showers and wonder if I’ll ever feel clean again. In his interview, Carville said the Democratic party is failing because “there are too many preachy females … ‘Don’t drink beer, don’t watch football, don’t eat hamburgers, this is not good for you,'” he said. “The message is too feminine: ‘Everything you’re doing is destroying the planet. You’ve got to eat your peas.'”
Fellas, is it gay to not want the earth to melt?
Carville also said he saw Goody Proctor making out with the Devil and he thinks Joe Biden should do something about the sudden outbreak of wandering womb.
This wasn’t actually the worst thing Carville said during the interview. In fact, it was the least offensive thing Dowd quotes him on. For example, he also talked about how he got in trouble for making sexist comments while he was teaching at Louisiana State University. And then, at some point, when he took a break from bragging about sexual harassment, Carville complained to Dowd that politics is now filled with hatred and doctrinaire positions.
Given Carville’s insistence that saying gross things to women is his inalienable right, I wonder what he means by “too preachy”? Does he simply mean, “Women won’t stop bitching and moaning when I lock them in my basement”?
Dowd writes, “Carville has been sounding an alarm about progressives getting too censorious since he advised Hillary Clinton in 2016.”
Translation: “Stop complaining about all the harassment and let a man be in charge.”
Dowd also writes, “Carville says that at 79, he is too old to hate.” Translation: “I’m too old to hate anyone except women and Black people.”
Dowd’s profile is of a man constantly complaining about women who is also the driving the engine of a campaign that seeks to differentiate itself from Republicans, whose presumptive nominee has been found guilty of sexual assault.
It’s clear Carville just wants to get back to the good old days when Democrats had a larger representation of White supremacists in their midst and both parties agreed on one thing: Those broads need to pipe down. Carville is of the school of political thought that believes America was great when everyone could overlook that Chuck Grassley was endorsed by the KKK and we were free to slut-shame Monica Lewinsky. Truly an original political mind. He’s got new and brilliant strategies he wants Democrats to consider like, sending women back to the kitchen, bootstraps, and step aside, sweetie, a man is here. He’s like if your great-grandpa listened to too much Andrew Tate.
James Carville is a walking can of Axe body spray, but his ideas have aged worse than the scent.
Let’s get you to bed now, Grandpa.
And now for something good
This week, reactionary Twitter discovered my book argued against marriage and even Christina Pushaw logged on to join in the pile-on. Buy my book and make Ron DeStantis’ spox mad.
Beyonce has gifted us with a new album and it is here! IT”S HERE! We are all country music fans now!
Iowa’s women’s basketball team is in the Sweet 16! They play Saturday. I’ll be watching in Cedar Rapids, the hometown of Hannah Stuelke and screaming my head off with a beer and a burger. Mostly to own the libs (men like James Carville).
Former dingus award winner Sam Bankman-Fried was sentenced to 25 years in prison. CONSEQUENCES!
Speaking of consequences, read this Reddit post, “I messed up and ruined my marriage.” Reading it is like microdosing schadenfreude.
Jasmin Paris became the first woman to finish the Barkley Marathon. It’s worth noting that Paris broke an ultramarathon record in 2019 while she was nursing her daughter.
April 8 is the eclipse! I am going to take my kids to see it and I am very excited. They told me the next one won’t be for another 20 years, which they decided means I’ll be dead by then. But this is a great time to learn about Dark Sky Preserves and the movement to save darkness. I’ve written about seeking darkness in nature in my essay in LitHub in 2019, which I later adapted into my book.
An eclipse is a reminder that darkness is necessary and beautiful and healing.
Dingus Madness
We have the semi-finals of the Dingus Madness tournament!
The matchups are so competitively dingusy, I am shaking.
Mike Johnson v. Mitch McConnell
Supreme Court v. Elon Musk
Vote today. Vote often.
Once again, thank you Beau for organizing this!
What I am drinking
This week, I went to Wisconsin to teach for a couple of days at Lakeland University. Sheboygan County is one of my favorite areas of Wisconsin. It’s right next to Lake Michigan, and the landscape has been sculpted by glacial ice. I had the opportunity to run part of the Ice Age National Trail and was astounded by the way the land holds the memory of the ancient past.
During the trip, the lovely faculty at Lakeland University took me out to a restaurant in Elkhart Lake. While ordering I asked for a side of ranch for my fries and was completely astounded when the waitress said they don’t serve ranch.
“Is this not the free state of Wisconsin?” I asked.
She explained that the chef was afraid of people dipping the pizza in it. (Which is delicious and I do that sometimes.) And like, so what if people dip pizza in ranch? THIS IS OUR CULTURE. THIS IS OUR RIGHT.
My fries were served with horseradish aioli, which was like upscale horsey sauce from Arby’s. And as we all know, aioli is just mayo that went to Harvard and put on airs.
Although, quite honestly I admire a restaurant in Wisconsin taking such a principled stance. I just don’t agree with the stance. But it’s quite the saucy hill to die on.
Later, we went to another restaurant where we tried to order a cheese plate. And we were told, “They never have the cheese plate in stock.” This was hilarious because right down the road were two cheese factories. Like, GO ROB THE SHELLSBURG CHEESE PLANT! How can you be out of cheese in Sheboygan County? That’s like being in Minnesota and running out on passive-aggressiveness. THE LIMIT SHOULD NOT EXIST.
I enjoyed the glasses of wine I had while learning about the work and writing of so many other incredible writers. And it’s a reminder of the beauty of our small places. And in the words of the poet and essayist Hanif Abdurraqib, a reminder that in these middle places, “‘This is the here. This is the only here that I want. Flaws and all.’”
You got two dingii for the price of one: Maureen Dowd AND James Carville. Well done!
James Carville has been so bad for so long. He is exactly the type of insidery, smug, dismissive white man who prevents women from ascending through sheer assholery. It's like valorizing Joe Lieberman when he single-handedly prevented us from having single-payer healthcare. Imagine how different things had been had the world not decided Hillary Clinton was vile for not baking cookies. FFS.