Dingus of the week: Boeing

Also, Alex Jones wants to [redacted] your [redacted]

Welcome to all the new subscribers who came here because you read my book. Or perhaps you got lost on your way to subscribe to another, better newsletter. But you are here now.

This is the Friday newsletter, where I make fun of someone or something in the news making our lives a little worse. Then, I share some good things and a drink to toast to the weekend. 

I began writing the Weekly Dingus in 2020 as a way to find humor in the bleak landscape of pandemic-ravaged America. If we have to stay in this fight, we might as well have a few laughs. As Truvy says in Steel Magnolias, “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”

If you find yourself looking forward to this email every week, if it’s become one of the few fraying threads tying you to what remains of your sanity, please forward it to a friend or become a paying subscriber.

Remember four years ago, when the Covid pandemic ground the world to a halt and our government immediately bailed out the airlines with billions of dollars they just found lying around, stashed away in the Senate chambers? But expanding the child care tax credit, that thing that actually lifted children out of poverty, was a fight? 

Why do I want you to remember? Oh, no reason.

Anyway, on Monday, a Boeing plane suddenly lost altitude mid-flight, injuring dozens of passengers. The pilot regained control of the plane, but the exact cause of the drop remains unclear. 

Boeing has been battling concerns over the safety of its planes for years. Nearly a decade ago, Boeing reached a settlement with the Federal Aviation Administration over debris left in planes, including metal shavings and tools. In 2018 and 2019, Boeing planes were involved in fatal crashes, and whistleblowers came forward alleging that working conditions at the plants were making it hard to meet safety and quality standards. In January, the FAA grounded Boeing’s 737 Max 9 planes after bolts on a door fell off. Just, you know, the bolts falling to the ground and the door falling off.

I’ve been on small-town carnival rides that were less janky.

Meanwhile, a company whistleblower died in an apparent suicide and federal investigators are accusing Boeing of dragging their heels on providing key pieces of evidence in the investigation over the door flying off the plane.

Oh, also, about 40 percent of Boeing’s revenue comes from government contracts. So we are basically propping up the company that literally can’t keep bolts on the door.

All of this is made even more terrifying by the fact that there are basically only two companies that make airplanes — Boeing and Airbus. We call it a duopoly. Which is basically a monopoly that cosplays as a free market. And the FAA is so underfunded that Boeing has had to regulate itself for years.

Ah yes, self-regulation, that thing that famously works under capitalism. Apparently, according to Boeing, the invisible hand of capitalism was supposed to be tightening the bolts on the planes. It’s like Boeing failed the marshmallow test, but in this case the marshmallow was keeping people alive. Oops.

Frankly, this level of chaos is inspiring. Get ready girls, because we are in our Boeing era — screws loose, dangerous to be around, and lacking any and all accountability.

I love how proponents of limited government are always like, “Look, no company would intentionally kill its customer base. That’s bad business.” When we literally have entire industries founded on profiting off a little light murder, like tobacco companies, alcohol companies, pharmaceutical companies … and does anyone remember the time Honda failed to report that its cars were responsible for 1,700 deaths and injuries? A little death, just for fun, is a building block of capitalism. But sure, let’s let a giant billion-dollar company that is accountable to no one police itself. Great idea.

Planes are literally falling out of the sky because our government can’t fund the one department that actually would keep us safe. But the good news is, politicians got together and decided that the real threat was TikTok.

I would simply love to know what the C-suite guys at Boeing are doing over there. What is the plan? Because it doesn’t seem to be “Keep the airplanes in the sky.” Which, if I ran an airplane company, that would be goal number one. The second goal would be to keep the plane in one piece while it’s in the sky. But what do I know? I am not a captain of American industry because I don’t like killing people.

Boeing actually has a store where you can buy a shirt that reads: “If it ain’t Boeing, I’m not going.” 

Not going where, Boeing? Not going to get there?

Not going to stay alive?

Not going to keep your pants dry for the remainder of the flight?

For fun, I checked the “Values” section of the Boeing website. And under the section titled “How we operate” the first two items are “Start with engineering excellence” and “Be accountable — from beginning to end.”

I’ve worked in marketing and I would guess there were more meetings about the em dash in that one sentence than there are tightened bolts on a Boeing plane.

So the good news is irony isn’t dead, but the bad news is, if you fly Boeing you might be.

Some runners up

RFK just made a list of dingii for us.

And Alex Jones vows to eat liberal ass. Which I think is great and I would not kink shame. But then, he later clarified, no not that kind of eating ass, he means like with a knife and fork eating of ass. Like the man would actually pivot to cannibalism just to avoid being better at sex.

Which reminds me…

We reached Round 2, the Sour 16, in our Dingus Madness tournament!

Vote today! Also, last week a lot of people complained about the voting mechanism for the dingus bracket, to which I say, I am sorry, it’s a free tool. I didn’t make it. While I can code, I can’t code that. This is also a form of entertainment. We aren’t voting for president. And if you don’t like it, you can always, like Alex Jones, pivot to cannibalism.

Next week! Round 3 (Embarrassing 8) — Friday 3/22 to Monday 3/25

Then, Semi-Finals (Feckless 4) — Friday 3/29 to Monday 4/1

Final Round (Dingusy Duo) — Friday 4/5 to Thursday 4/11

Remember to vote early and often and we will crown a winner of DINGUS MADNESS! Thank you Beau Anderson for putting this together for us!

And now for something good

What is happening in Gaza right now is a crime beyond words. I want to highlight the  moral courage of people who are refusing to look away and continuing to call for accountability. This week, several writers withdrew from the PEN World Voices Festival due to the organization’s response to the unfolding genocide in the region.

I thought this story about humans donning a fox mask to care for a baby fox would be delightful. But honestly, the story just freaked me out. This is how you raise a fox into a poet.

This week, I was on the Today show with Jenna Bush Hager, Hoda Kotb, and Maria Shriver talking about my book This American Ex-Wife!

Forests are growing back and easing the effects of global warming.

Cats are not jerks, they are just misunderstood, claims this article totally not written by a cat.

A century and a half ago, Charles Darwin did us all dirty when he claimed males in most species were bigger than females. He was wrong. And I’ve been busy lifting weights and getting jacked so I can dig him up and punch him right back into the grave.

Events!

If you read this newsletter today before 12:30pm ET, YOU ARE IN LUCK! I am doing an IG live with my book editor, Libby Burton, on the Crown Instagram page. I actually have a few questions to ask her. Join in! And we will take some audience questions as well!

Also, next week, MINNEAPOLIS, I will see you on March 20, at Magers and Quinn! 

What I am drinking

I began the week, heading to my parents’ house in Texas for a two-day visit before traveling to New York City to be on the Today show. I know I had a Brooklyn Lager at the Burger Joint in Manhattan. And a margarita at the airport when United canceled our flight due to mechanical issues (not a Boeing plane, and yes, I did check) and I realized I would once again be flying into Chicago then driving back home at 2am to Cedar Rapids.

That margarita was better than it had any right to be for an airport beverage. And I must once again profess my love for the LaGuardia airport.

Beyond that, I simply cannot recall. This week has been a beautiful exhausting blur. And I shall be having another margarita on Friday night.