Dingus of the week: Jared Kushner

Plus, Kay Ivey and The Royals

This is the Dingus of the Week, the newsletter where I make fun of someone or something in the news that is making our lives just a little bit (or a lot bit) worse. If this email makes you laugh, become a subscriber.

Jared Corey Kushner, the moist fail-son of a criminal and son-in-law of a criminal, walks through life as if he’s achieved something other than avoiding the regular swirlies his face is just begging for. ¹

But seriously, why does this man always look damp? How is he constantly walking around giving wet paper towel? He looks like if you ran him under a faucet and rubbed him into a carpet he’d leave little white papery flakes everywhere.

Anyway, this week, the walking tub of spoiled sour cream said of Gaza that there was a lot of  “very valuable” waterfront property and that Israel should “clean it up.” His comments reveal a stunning lack of empathy for or awareness of the ongoing crisis in Gaza, where thousands of children have been killed and more are now starving to death.

It's a serial killer level of sociopathy. But at least a serial killer has accomplished something. Kushner’s only claim to anything noteworthy is having been born into a criminal racket. And even then, all he did was get pushed out of the womb, and I’m pretty sure his mom did all the work there.

Speaking of women pushing Kushner to crime, he is also notable for marrying Ivanka Trump. As a result, he tumbled into another criminal racket, the Trump administration, where according to him, he was Jimmy Carter 2.0, negotiating an important peace deal in the Middle East. 

In his delusionally titled memoir, “Breaking History,” Kushner wrote of the Abraham Accords, which he takes full credit for: “Humbled by the complexity of the task, I orchestrated some of the most significant breakthroughs in diplomacy in the last fifty years.”

How is that diplomacy holding out you might ask? Not great. 

Truly the only thing holding strong that Kushner helped broker is his delusional sense of self importance.

Alabama Governor Kay Ivey

This week, Kay Ivey signed a law banning diversity, equity and inclusion, from being taught in Alabama schools. About this move of sheer dingusry, W Kamau Bell wrote:

Is this really the time to restrict any kind of education or any kind of knowledge in Alabama? Is this really the time to limit opportunities for your populace to gain new insight or discover something new? Calling this racism is almost beside the point, because the racism is the point. Governor Ivey wants to fully institutionalize racism in a way that hasn’t been done since her ancestors owned slaves. And if that sounds harsh, remember this is a woman who has had to make the the “apology for wearing blackface for funsies” that white people seem to have to make too often.

But you know, it is Women’s History Month. And this woman is making history for being a dingus at real #girlboss levels.

The Royals

Like the rest of America, I’ve been riveted by the case of the missing princess. I mean, I truly hope she’s getting some rest. But it’s astounding that the monarchy has screwed up the simple task of proving someone exists. Like, terrorists figured this out a long time ago. You simply have them appear in a video with that day’s newspaper, giving a robotic speech about how they are safe, while furiously eye-blinking out Morse code to indicate their location. How is this hard? 

But it’s delightful to me that the simple task of proving someone has not been kidnapped by Q Anon has gone so far awry that the internet doxxed stolen antiques owned by the alleged mistress of the crown prince. Either Kate is noping out of all this nonsense or she’s pulling a 5D chess Gone Girl the likes of which will make Gillian Flynn scream, cry, and throw up.

Dingus Madness:

Speaking of screaming, crying and throwing up. Our Dingus Madness tournament is down to the Embarrassing 8 and these matchups are epic.

Mike Johnson vs. Alex Jones

Matt Gaetz vs. Mitch McConnell

The Supreme Court vs. Greg Abbott

Elon Musk vs. Andrew Tate

Voting for the Embarrassing 8 is now open until next Monday at 12pm.

---

Newsletter crossover event!

OMAHA! Get excited

Garrett Bucks

and I are doing a newsletter crossover event on April 17! Garrett is the co-host of the Flyover Discord with me and the brains behind the amazing new book, The Right Kind of White. His book is brilliant, necessary, funny, and fascinating. BUY IT! I can’t wait to have an event in person with him in my favorite of all Nebraska cities. (Sorry, Lincoln, but you know what you did.) Details for the event can be found here. Thank you so much to Dundee Bookstore for co-hosting.

---

And now for something good

Donald Trump needs a half-billion dollars and he cannot find it. Has he considered giving up Starbucks and avocado toast?

Divorce is having a moment. HAPPINESS IS HAVING A MOMENT!

And my book is now in its THIRD PRINTING and going to press with this little logo on the cover.

Girls5eva is a show about a defunct girl group that is now middle-aged and trying to make a comeback. It is one of the funniest things I’ve ever watched in the history of television.

What I’ve been drinking

This week, I went to Minneapolis for a book event at Magers and Quinn. In college, my adviser took me to Magers and Quinn to buy books at a discount after I told him I was struggling to afford college. This time, people were there to buy my book and one of my professors from college was in the audience. It meant a lot to sit in front of a full house and make jokes about Chanhassen and Lutherans and meet you all. Right before the event, I had the best gin martini with a twist at the Emerald Lounge in St. Paul, where they have a Pink Pony Club drink! And any place that is down with Chappell Roan is a good place to be.

After the event, I got cake from Cafe Latte and went back to my best friend's condo, and we sat and talked until 11pm, way past our old lady bedtimes. 

We’ve all been friends for over 20 years now. And walking into my friend’s condo really feels like coming home. It smells of her Sweet Pea Bath and Body Works that she still buys, even now. There is an ease to being with my friends that feels like the relief you get after pulling off an underwire bra at the end of a long day. 

There is something about the comfort of a friendship, where we’ve eased into our 4-star era. We know we might not get 5 stars, but we are done with perfection, we are all about living.

1. My editor made this comment on the document that I thought was so funny. “His brother possesses only a regular amount of unction! Real Tale of Two Cities hours. you can be Josh Kushner, reasonably handsome and married to Karlie Kloss, or you can be Jared and wet and Donald Trump is your FIL.... I guess if god isn't giving with both hands, he ain't giving.”