Dingus of the week: Corn sweat 🌽💦

Agricultural subsidies and their discontents

It’s Friday, which means it’s time for the weekly dingus. The weekly dingus is the newsletter that makes fun of someone or something in the news making our lives a little worse. Sometimes it’s JD Vance. Other times it’s the worm in RFKs brain. The dingus has been going for four years and I have no intention of stopping. If you can, please become a paying subscriber. Not everyone can pay to subscribe to the newsletter and that’s okay. It’s my goal to always keep the weekly dingus free for everyone.

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Alright. Now, let’s talk about big ag’s wet, sweaty, back.

This week, unbearably hot temperatures in the Midwest made even the corn sweat.

And I mean this literally.

If you are not familiar, corn actually sweats. Most plants sweat. And they sweat for the same reason that humans do — to stay cool. Two-thirds of Iowa is farmland, and when you put millions of plants into a small state, turn up the heat, and let them sweat, bro, the ramifications. 

And per Vox: 

“The combination of higher temperatures and increased humidity from corn sweat can lead to more intense heat waves, making it more challenging for people to stay cool and increasing the risk of heat-related illnesses,” said Bruno Basso, a crop and agriculture scientist at Michigan State University.

So this means if you live in Cornado Alley, this time of year, you are basically breathing in the swamp crotch of agriculture.

It’s damp soy slurry out there.

We are breathing in the armpit of big ag.

Did I mention it’s like being steam rollered by the wet hairy back of the Midwest?

Did I mention that going outside feels like being buried alive in hot, soggy tater tots? Drowned in boiling ranch dressing?

In sum, it’s nasty out there.

Some 40 percent of corn is grown to feed cattle and other livestock. But cattle did not evolve to digest corn, which irritates their stomachs and causes them to release a higher level of methane. Cows are the top agricultural producer of greenhouse gases.

The net result is a subsidized cycle of corn sweat and cow farts.  

So in America, we still don’t have universal health care or affordable child care. But we do have taxpayer-funded corn swamp ass. 

Also, the next time a Republican decries government payouts, remind them how much goes to farmers who are literally just growing fields and fields of pit stains and flatulence. 

Only 1 percent of corn grown in the US is for human consumption. The corn not fed to livestock goes into fuel, diapers, chips, sodas, and so many other products. If we are what we eat, then Americans are corn inside and out.

Every summer we pay homage to the golden yellow phallus by roasting it, buttering it, chomping down on it at fairs, barbecues, and backyard parties, and all the while it is slowly suffocating with its corn secretions. 

High fructose corn sweat 🌽💦

Regular readers of the newsletter will remember that I have a running team named “High fructose corn sweat” and every year we do a 339 mile relay across Iowa to raise money for the Iowa Abortion Access Fund and trans mutual aid. You can read more about us here.

I bring it up not just to mention how hilarious we are as a group. But to let you know we have incredible merch. And part of the proceeds go to support the Iowa Abortion Access Fund.

Enjoy corn sweat the only way you can: with a mug depicting damp corn.

And now for something good

The International Paralympic Committee is letting athletes display their Olympic tattoos. Which is good news for the athletes and anyone who hates internecine squabbles. Also, the Paralympics began this week! 

I have been following TikToker Joe Ando for a long time. So when I saw that he designed Ella Emhoff’s DNC dress it felt like some sort of Marvel superhero crossover event. 

Just because Oasis is getting back together doesn’t mean you should text your ex. DO YOU HEAR ME? 

DeSantis seems to be out of juice. 

I know Sports Illustrated is problematic. But I would be lying to you if I didn’t love seeing Ilona Maher on the cover in a swimsuit, looking powerful and beautiful.

britishmemes

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The bestest boy threw the first pitch at a Dodger’s game.

A water buffalo in rural Polk County, Iowa, escaped its owner and certain death and ran free through Des Moines before finally being captured. The water buffalo was nicknamed PHilll by local residents and will live out his days in an animal sanctuary. We love you, PHill!

Also, I cannot believe the police shot at PHil and called him “aggressive.” He’s a water buffalo fighting for his life! PHil says “ACAB.”

And now this is the point in the newsletter where any millennial who grew up going to church is quietly humming the “The Water Buffalo Song” from VeggieTales. Happy Friday, enjoy your religious trauma PTSD.

Brian Jordan Alvarez’s TV show “The English Teacher” is getting rave reviews. I cannot wait to watch it.

And “Somebody Somewhere” is back for a third season on October 27!

What I am enjoying

During a hot, corn sweaty week in Iowa, I enjoyed my little cannabis seltzer waters, which, thanks to the Farm Bill, are legal in Iowa.

I really love getting something in on a technicality, especially cannabis. And the reason THC seltzers can exist in Iowa, despite recreational marijuana being illegal, is a loophole in the 2018 Farm Bill that legalized cannabis with less than 0.3 percent THC, the principal psychoactive component of the plant. 

So this week, I’ve been enjoying the Day Dreamer seltzer I picked up from the co-op. And my sister brought me some Recess seltzer when she came to visit from Chicago. (Thank you to the best Aunt Beks, who plays video games with my kids while I sit and stare into middle distance.) I wish these drinks were not so expensive. But I love that they are a very chill booze alternative and relaxing to sip while I fall asleep to crime documentaries at night.

Another thing I’ve been enjoying is Sabrina Carpenter’s new album.