Change comes slowly, more slowly than we sometimes think we can mentally endure, it seems.
Then, it comes all at once.
Solid Catholic Ireland lost its ever-living collective mind over the senseless death of one woman due to barbaric abortion restrictions and the angry Irish women changed that country forever.
This is what puzzles me, though. Ireland did this, Australians got rid of almost all their guns as the result of a mass shooting, Mexico's new president is Jewish and a woman. And here we are.
exactly. i am baffled by our lack of response to everything that is happening in this country. if sandy hook and subsequent shootings didn't change minds, what on earth would it take?
There seems to be something with aging, as well. As my always controlling husband got older, he became even more controlling and abusive. He wanted me to work so he could spend my money, but he didn’t want me to do anything that he didn’t want me to do. Then when he was dying of cancer he thought I should die with him. Because of course, right. Perhaps I should’ve thrown myself in the crematorium with him? Nope and nope; it was one way to get free and not an easy one.
You might be interested in Dr. Emma Katz's substack if you haven't already discovered her. You are describing coercive control and economic abuse. I am so sorry you went through this and I hope you weren't alone.
During COVID it was pretty bad. He was physically abusive. Then he got pancreatic cancer. Trust me, I was seeing a shrink online (in secret) the day he was diagnosed. No win situation.
Unless you think I exaggerate, at a 70th birthday party for me that he insisted on holding that I did not want, he turned to me and said, “this will be your last big birthday.“ I said, “I hope not.” He was shocked at my reply. 🤦♀️
That is awful, and I am sorry you went through that; I also think you're on to something about the aging. I have relatives (from whom I've disconnected due to politics & lack of humanity/empathy) who were some of the most liberal people I knew--when they were young. As they aged, it feels as if religion and Fox News crept in and now they're virulently conservative and seemingly against anything and anyone unlike themselves.
One of my dear friends who was a major force in Gerontology (Dr. Donna Wagner) said, "The more we age, the more we become like ourselves." The cognitive filters fall, and the consequences are minimal, so those who were always rotten on the inside become more so. I like to think I've gotten wiser; but I can also say, I'm taking a lot less sh*t these days. LOL!
Divorced men have been getting revenge all along. Because of the failure of couple therapy, the only recourse for women has been divorce and for many women this is the beginning of a different type of harm. Another book came out this year, Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld, Dr. Christine M. Cocchiola and Amy Polacko. We do not know how many women who leave unhappy marriages experience domestic violence in great part because coercive control (a form of domestic violence) is not assessed or even recognized by most therapists and family law professionals. Every woman in the book Framed experienced coercive control and the law was not on her side--in fact it is frequently weaponized by men.
Could you say more about coercive control? I'm not familiar with the term and, as a mediator who handles a fair number of divorce cases, I'm always looking to learn more. Thank you!
Thank you for asking! Emma Katz's substack does an excellent job of going into more detail and we do not yet have a decent assessment measure. Also the legal definitions will be difference from the clinical definition. Coercive control is a systematic pattern of control using monitoring, isolation, psychological/emotional abuse and intimidation. Any attempts victims make to assert themselves are punished and this leads to a loss of autonomy and ability to make decisions and is called "identity theft". Unlike other forms of domestic violence, it the vast majority of perpetrators are men. It can be perpetrated on a spouse or children. Physical or sexual violence may be present but often the perpetrator will use the lowest level of coercion that is effective which may be verbal and non-verbal expressions of domination. Examples: consistently picking a fight on the nights when your spouse is taking an exam the next day--punishing her for getting an education so she is financially dependent. Using family money for personal reasons so the family cannot afford to participate in social events--isolation. Using cameras or other monitoring devices to track the movements and behaviors of other family members. Rigidly insisting that things be done in prescribed way and then becoming verbally abusive when this doesn't happen. Sabotaging day care so she loses her job. Hope this helps!
Here a brief summary of an article I found very disturbing:
In a study by J. A. Beck and Chitra Raghavan of 976 mothers who were court ordered to use mediation to resolve custody and parenting issues, 82 experienced high levels of physical abuse by spouse, 205 had been physically forced to have sex by spouse, 465 had experienced threats to life by spouse and escalated physical violence had been experienced by 420 of the mothers. 401 mothers experienced moderate coercive control and 131 experienced high levels of coercive control. 452 of the women who experienced coercive control did not experience physical violence. If assessment only focuses on physical violence, half of the women who are experiencing domestic violence would not be identified. On average, the fathers earned twice what the mothers earned, and the children were primarily of grade school age. For women with few financial resources, there is often no alternative to mediation, even when there is domestic violence. The mediation process can be weaponized against women who have partners using coercive control (as in Hope’s situation) and yet in the case of the 452 women in this study, it was court ordered. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/230284406_Intimate_partner_abuse_screening_in_custody_mediation_The_importance_of_assessing_coercive_control
This is not confined to lower SES couples. This kind of coercion, control, and abuse is also in higher SES marriages. My husband came from a wealthy family. I was TERRIFIED he would take my son away me if I divorced him--and he had the $$ to convince the community that I was "unfit". He was incredibly vindictive. And I can speak to the identity theft. He didn't want me to get my PhD ("There can only be ONE doctor in this house!" I did it over his objections, while I was at work.) He insisted on have his name on my textbooks as an author. I wrote his chapter on wound care in a widely cited text of vascular surgery. He was a toxic narcissist right to the bitter end.
Downloaded it on Audible last year but I want it on my bookshelf proudly defiantly displayed so I’ll hop on over to B&N and grab my copy with my coffee 💪❤️🙏🙌
"These are not angry gods to whom we must make ritual sacrifices so we can be allowed happiness. I think, and always have thought, that we have to find our way out. No more negotiations with terrorists." EXACTLY THIS!!!!!
I just now read on MSNBC DAILY that Darren Beattie has been appointed as acting undersecretary of state for public diplomacy . And I mistakenly thought things couldn't get any worse ??
Women have been handling men’s grievances and changing because of them for millennia. It’s time men INTERNALIZE, get some fucking therapy, and change THEMSELVES. If you want to be loved, be lovable, men!
It really is that simple. This is the problem and if you want a successful relationship, you have to FIX IT. Yet they will go through the most histrionic, lame brained mental gymnastics to deny they have any responsibility whatsoever for their own lousy behavior and dysfunction. Just pathetic.
I know you've written about women voting for Trump before, but the fact that 45% of women voters backed Trump in November puts a big wrinkle in the "Bitter Divorced Men versus All the Single Ladies" characterization of the 2024 election. Also, religion appears, from the data I've seen, to have been a bigger factor than sex, particularly but not only among white voters. According to PRRI, 85% of white evangelical Protestants, 64% of Hispanic Protestants, 59% of white Catholics, and 57% of white non-evangelical Protestants voted for Trump. I'd bet that a large portion of the women who voted for Trump fall into one of these demographics. 2025 may well be the year of the ex-husband's revenge, but in terms of the election, might it be more accurate to say that 2025 is the year of Christian Nationalists' revenge? (and I can't help but point out the sad irony of the phrase "Christian revenge.")
According to NBC exit polling, 61% of single women voted for Harris vs. 47% of married women. For comparison, in the same poll 71% of non-religious people voted for Harris. I'd love to see the numbers for non-religious, single women - I bet they'd be impressive!
You bring up a good point, but it’s not unrelated. Christian nationalists are more likely to get married early and to push marriage in particular for women.
It’s devastating how many friends and family I’ve had to cut out of my life over all this hateful ideology. Your ex among many of them… (of course he also sucked at friendships). I get so frustrated whenever I see folks on the left talk about how they must be uneducated or dumb or whatever. No actually, my parents and all my friends that turned are very well educated and intelligent people. I really mourn for the relationships lost.
"As if conservative institutions and their columnists couldn’t conceive of any way for a woman to be happy outside the confines of marriage." Of course they know there are other ways women can live their lives and be happy. And woman existing without input from a man feels like a direct threat and insult to them. You can practically see their reaction, anger curdling their features as they insist that women seek shelter in a marriage from the conditions they put into place to frighten and stampede women into marriage. Them: "Who will protect you from the barbarian hordes we've called into service?" Women: "Why would you do that? We were all just living our lives." Them: "There's no time, they're at the gates!"
No more negotiating with terrorists. ❤️💯 I read every one of your newsletters, Lyz. Thank you for writing and for being here. What you share makes me feel less alone. You give me hope.
It will never cease to amaze me the number of women who told me when I refused to "be nice for the children" during my divorce by going to mediation or participating in a community talking circle with my emotionally abusive ex or whatever whack-a-doodle shit they thought up, that I was just "too angry." Including our court-appointed guardian ad litem (who herself was a lawyer specializing in divorce mediation, but she wasn't biased or anything...).
I told them then and I'd tell them now, you can't negotiate in good faith with folks who don't have good faith. As in, they don't actually believe you have a right to autonomy or full personhood, and the only way you prove your worthiness and goodness is through submission. Sorry, friend, that would be a no.
I’ve been married over 40 years, and for decades we joked about voting opposite in elections…but this was when republicans were rational,people, not crazy lunatics. He would not vote for Hilary, and still would not…but he has totally switched sides and will never vote republican again.
Frankly, if he’d voted for Trump, I’d have been out the door.
I feel rude saying this, but in the zero-sum game that is our 2 party political system, refusing to vote for a Democrat is almost as bad as actually voting for a Republican.
I saw a figure of 22 in one report but I could have mistook what they were saying. Even at 10 or 12, that's a lot of votes. The actual voter roles should start rolling out next month and we'll be able to get hard numbers.
Anecdotally, a lot of young people staying home was reported to be about genocide in Gaza which was perceived to be supported/not opposed by the Biden/Harris admin. Sadly, the White House was in a lose/lose situation there and had no way to halve the baby without losing votes one way or another. Tragedy on tragedy on tragedy.
I am even angrier at the people who chose to stay at home due to Biden and Harris not taking a strong enough stance on Gaza. I agree that they could have done a lot more, but I knew Trump would be even worse. And now Trump is just trying to ethnically cleanse Gaza so that he can develop beach condos there.
Like you, I knew Trump would be a lot worse but I can also imagine that as a young person whose life experience is dominated by 2008 (even if that was through the lives of their parents), the pandemic then the endless tragedy in Israel and Gaza that there were no good choices.
Not defending those who voted for the couch but with Harris and Cheney campaigning together things could look pretty muddy. The fact that the Dems couldn't come up with anyone more inspiring than Biden until they had to wheel him offstage after the debate (and have been pretty shell shocked since the election and passed over AOC for any leadership role) points to the party being out of ideas or effective leadership or both.
My take is that as a party, we Dems should have a very honest discussion with the people staring back at us in the mirror.
All martyrdom is false! You nailed it, Liz. Loving sacrifice is part of human relationships, but women accepting less as the standard is the entrenched belief system that we must continue to whack away at. Keep it up lady authors!
As always, it's a coalition. You've got your people mad about having their grandchildren think them racist,* people mad about young women having sex with impunity, people mad that their ex-wives got a better deal in family court,** people made about hearing Spanish spoken, people mad that Native Americans are stealing the water, etc etc.
* Two competing solutions: (a) don't be racist or (b) make sure the grandchildren never learn that racism even exists.
** The first two Trump voters I ran into after poll watching all day were 100% motivated by this. Underemployed and underpaid, they seemed to be having a difficult time meeting their financial obligations. Voting for Trump is no solution at all, obviously.
Women are the majority of American citizens and registered voters. Full drop mic.
and yet look where we are. there are days when i despair. this is one of them.
Change comes slowly, more slowly than we sometimes think we can mentally endure, it seems.
Then, it comes all at once.
Solid Catholic Ireland lost its ever-living collective mind over the senseless death of one woman due to barbaric abortion restrictions and the angry Irish women changed that country forever.
This is what puzzles me, though. Ireland did this, Australians got rid of almost all their guns as the result of a mass shooting, Mexico's new president is Jewish and a woman. And here we are.
exactly. i am baffled by our lack of response to everything that is happening in this country. if sandy hook and subsequent shootings didn't change minds, what on earth would it take?
There seems to be something with aging, as well. As my always controlling husband got older, he became even more controlling and abusive. He wanted me to work so he could spend my money, but he didn’t want me to do anything that he didn’t want me to do. Then when he was dying of cancer he thought I should die with him. Because of course, right. Perhaps I should’ve thrown myself in the crematorium with him? Nope and nope; it was one way to get free and not an easy one.
You might be interested in Dr. Emma Katz's substack if you haven't already discovered her. You are describing coercive control and economic abuse. I am so sorry you went through this and I hope you weren't alone.
During COVID it was pretty bad. He was physically abusive. Then he got pancreatic cancer. Trust me, I was seeing a shrink online (in secret) the day he was diagnosed. No win situation.
Unless you think I exaggerate, at a 70th birthday party for me that he insisted on holding that I did not want, he turned to me and said, “this will be your last big birthday.“ I said, “I hope not.” He was shocked at my reply. 🤦♀️
It is so wonderful that you are now free, Dr. Buchbinder.
Thank you.
That is awful, and I am sorry you went through that; I also think you're on to something about the aging. I have relatives (from whom I've disconnected due to politics & lack of humanity/empathy) who were some of the most liberal people I knew--when they were young. As they aged, it feels as if religion and Fox News crept in and now they're virulently conservative and seemingly against anything and anyone unlike themselves.
One of my dear friends who was a major force in Gerontology (Dr. Donna Wagner) said, "The more we age, the more we become like ourselves." The cognitive filters fall, and the consequences are minimal, so those who were always rotten on the inside become more so. I like to think I've gotten wiser; but I can also say, I'm taking a lot less sh*t these days. LOL!
And thank you.
Divorced men have been getting revenge all along. Because of the failure of couple therapy, the only recourse for women has been divorce and for many women this is the beginning of a different type of harm. Another book came out this year, Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld, Dr. Christine M. Cocchiola and Amy Polacko. We do not know how many women who leave unhappy marriages experience domestic violence in great part because coercive control (a form of domestic violence) is not assessed or even recognized by most therapists and family law professionals. Every woman in the book Framed experienced coercive control and the law was not on her side--in fact it is frequently weaponized by men.
Could you say more about coercive control? I'm not familiar with the term and, as a mediator who handles a fair number of divorce cases, I'm always looking to learn more. Thank you!
Thank you for asking! Emma Katz's substack does an excellent job of going into more detail and we do not yet have a decent assessment measure. Also the legal definitions will be difference from the clinical definition. Coercive control is a systematic pattern of control using monitoring, isolation, psychological/emotional abuse and intimidation. Any attempts victims make to assert themselves are punished and this leads to a loss of autonomy and ability to make decisions and is called "identity theft". Unlike other forms of domestic violence, it the vast majority of perpetrators are men. It can be perpetrated on a spouse or children. Physical or sexual violence may be present but often the perpetrator will use the lowest level of coercion that is effective which may be verbal and non-verbal expressions of domination. Examples: consistently picking a fight on the nights when your spouse is taking an exam the next day--punishing her for getting an education so she is financially dependent. Using family money for personal reasons so the family cannot afford to participate in social events--isolation. Using cameras or other monitoring devices to track the movements and behaviors of other family members. Rigidly insisting that things be done in prescribed way and then becoming verbally abusive when this doesn't happen. Sabotaging day care so she loses her job. Hope this helps!
Here a brief summary of an article I found very disturbing:
In a study by J. A. Beck and Chitra Raghavan of 976 mothers who were court ordered to use mediation to resolve custody and parenting issues, 82 experienced high levels of physical abuse by spouse, 205 had been physically forced to have sex by spouse, 465 had experienced threats to life by spouse and escalated physical violence had been experienced by 420 of the mothers. 401 mothers experienced moderate coercive control and 131 experienced high levels of coercive control. 452 of the women who experienced coercive control did not experience physical violence. If assessment only focuses on physical violence, half of the women who are experiencing domestic violence would not be identified. On average, the fathers earned twice what the mothers earned, and the children were primarily of grade school age. For women with few financial resources, there is often no alternative to mediation, even when there is domestic violence. The mediation process can be weaponized against women who have partners using coercive control (as in Hope’s situation) and yet in the case of the 452 women in this study, it was court ordered. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/230284406_Intimate_partner_abuse_screening_in_custody_mediation_The_importance_of_assessing_coercive_control
This is not confined to lower SES couples. This kind of coercion, control, and abuse is also in higher SES marriages. My husband came from a wealthy family. I was TERRIFIED he would take my son away me if I divorced him--and he had the $$ to convince the community that I was "unfit". He was incredibly vindictive. And I can speak to the identity theft. He didn't want me to get my PhD ("There can only be ONE doctor in this house!" I did it over his objections, while I was at work.) He insisted on have his name on my textbooks as an author. I wrote his chapter on wound care in a widely cited text of vascular surgery. He was a toxic narcissist right to the bitter end.
Downloaded it on Audible last year but I want it on my bookshelf proudly defiantly displayed so I’ll hop on over to B&N and grab my copy with my coffee 💪❤️🙏🙌
"These are not angry gods to whom we must make ritual sacrifices so we can be allowed happiness. I think, and always have thought, that we have to find our way out. No more negotiations with terrorists." EXACTLY THIS!!!!!
I just now read on MSNBC DAILY that Darren Beattie has been appointed as acting undersecretary of state for public diplomacy . And I mistakenly thought things couldn't get any worse ??
Even Snopes agrees! https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-darren-beattie-state-department/ (sort of!) YIKES! I had no idea who tf that was.
Undersecretary of state for PUBLIC DIPLOMACY. [bitter laughter]…
Women have been handling men’s grievances and changing because of them for millennia. It’s time men INTERNALIZE, get some fucking therapy, and change THEMSELVES. If you want to be loved, be lovable, men!
It really is that simple. This is the problem and if you want a successful relationship, you have to FIX IT. Yet they will go through the most histrionic, lame brained mental gymnastics to deny they have any responsibility whatsoever for their own lousy behavior and dysfunction. Just pathetic.
That, my friends, is male privilege.
I know you've written about women voting for Trump before, but the fact that 45% of women voters backed Trump in November puts a big wrinkle in the "Bitter Divorced Men versus All the Single Ladies" characterization of the 2024 election. Also, religion appears, from the data I've seen, to have been a bigger factor than sex, particularly but not only among white voters. According to PRRI, 85% of white evangelical Protestants, 64% of Hispanic Protestants, 59% of white Catholics, and 57% of white non-evangelical Protestants voted for Trump. I'd bet that a large portion of the women who voted for Trump fall into one of these demographics. 2025 may well be the year of the ex-husband's revenge, but in terms of the election, might it be more accurate to say that 2025 is the year of Christian Nationalists' revenge? (and I can't help but point out the sad irony of the phrase "Christian revenge.")
Do you know what % of the women who voted for T were married vs. single?
According to NBC exit polling, 61% of single women voted for Harris vs. 47% of married women. For comparison, in the same poll 71% of non-religious people voted for Harris. I'd love to see the numbers for non-religious, single women - I bet they'd be impressive!
You bring up a good point, but it’s not unrelated. Christian nationalists are more likely to get married early and to push marriage in particular for women.
It’s devastating how many friends and family I’ve had to cut out of my life over all this hateful ideology. Your ex among many of them… (of course he also sucked at friendships). I get so frustrated whenever I see folks on the left talk about how they must be uneducated or dumb or whatever. No actually, my parents and all my friends that turned are very well educated and intelligent people. I really mourn for the relationships lost.
"As if conservative institutions and their columnists couldn’t conceive of any way for a woman to be happy outside the confines of marriage." Of course they know there are other ways women can live their lives and be happy. And woman existing without input from a man feels like a direct threat and insult to them. You can practically see their reaction, anger curdling their features as they insist that women seek shelter in a marriage from the conditions they put into place to frighten and stampede women into marriage. Them: "Who will protect you from the barbarian hordes we've called into service?" Women: "Why would you do that? We were all just living our lives." Them: "There's no time, they're at the gates!"
No more negotiating with terrorists. ❤️💯 I read every one of your newsletters, Lyz. Thank you for writing and for being here. What you share makes me feel less alone. You give me hope.
I totally agree. Thank you, Emily!
It will never cease to amaze me the number of women who told me when I refused to "be nice for the children" during my divorce by going to mediation or participating in a community talking circle with my emotionally abusive ex or whatever whack-a-doodle shit they thought up, that I was just "too angry." Including our court-appointed guardian ad litem (who herself was a lawyer specializing in divorce mediation, but she wasn't biased or anything...).
I told them then and I'd tell them now, you can't negotiate in good faith with folks who don't have good faith. As in, they don't actually believe you have a right to autonomy or full personhood, and the only way you prove your worthiness and goodness is through submission. Sorry, friend, that would be a no.
I’ve been married over 40 years, and for decades we joked about voting opposite in elections…but this was when republicans were rational,people, not crazy lunatics. He would not vote for Hilary, and still would not…but he has totally switched sides and will never vote republican again.
Frankly, if he’d voted for Trump, I’d have been out the door.
I feel rude saying this, but in the zero-sum game that is our 2 party political system, refusing to vote for a Democrat is almost as bad as actually voting for a Republican.
... as in the 22 million 2020 Biden voters who didn't vote in 2024.
I thought Harris only got 10 million votes fewer than Biden did in 2024, but yeah. Thanks, apathy!
I saw a figure of 22 in one report but I could have mistook what they were saying. Even at 10 or 12, that's a lot of votes. The actual voter roles should start rolling out next month and we'll be able to get hard numbers.
Anecdotally, a lot of young people staying home was reported to be about genocide in Gaza which was perceived to be supported/not opposed by the Biden/Harris admin. Sadly, the White House was in a lose/lose situation there and had no way to halve the baby without losing votes one way or another. Tragedy on tragedy on tragedy.
I am even angrier at the people who chose to stay at home due to Biden and Harris not taking a strong enough stance on Gaza. I agree that they could have done a lot more, but I knew Trump would be even worse. And now Trump is just trying to ethnically cleanse Gaza so that he can develop beach condos there.
Like you, I knew Trump would be a lot worse but I can also imagine that as a young person whose life experience is dominated by 2008 (even if that was through the lives of their parents), the pandemic then the endless tragedy in Israel and Gaza that there were no good choices.
Not defending those who voted for the couch but with Harris and Cheney campaigning together things could look pretty muddy. The fact that the Dems couldn't come up with anyone more inspiring than Biden until they had to wheel him offstage after the debate (and have been pretty shell shocked since the election and passed over AOC for any leadership role) points to the party being out of ideas or effective leadership or both.
My take is that as a party, we Dems should have a very honest discussion with the people staring back at us in the mirror.
All martyrdom is false! You nailed it, Liz. Loving sacrifice is part of human relationships, but women accepting less as the standard is the entrenched belief system that we must continue to whack away at. Keep it up lady authors!
As always, it's a coalition. You've got your people mad about having their grandchildren think them racist,* people mad about young women having sex with impunity, people mad that their ex-wives got a better deal in family court,** people made about hearing Spanish spoken, people mad that Native Americans are stealing the water, etc etc.
* Two competing solutions: (a) don't be racist or (b) make sure the grandchildren never learn that racism even exists.
** The first two Trump voters I ran into after poll watching all day were 100% motivated by this. Underemployed and underpaid, they seemed to be having a difficult time meeting their financial obligations. Voting for Trump is no solution at all, obviously.
"Competent white men must be in charge" will be the death of us all.
Maybe the problem is that the men who believe this aren't actually competent 🙄