This time the yelling is a good thing

Tim Ferriss yells at me by proxy

On Friday, I got an email that told me that pre-orders for my book were at over 3,000. I immediately texted my friend Sarah Weinman, who knows everything about publishing and is an amazing writer and was like, “Is this good idk idk?”

And she was like, “Yeah you dummy!” [Note: She actually said, “holy shit! yes!”]

I was on a trip at the time. So, I mentioned this bit of news to my friend and her husband. We were at a fundraiser and I was interviewing people. Upon hearing the news, my friend’s husband turned to look at me and said in no uncertain terms, “YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT TIM FERRISS WOULD DO! THIS IS YOUR TIME!”

I nodded and pretended like I knew who Tim Ferriss is. I was homeschooled and often have to play catch up. So, I’m very good at faking being smart. In fact, faking being smart is my spiritual gift.

Apparently, Tim Ferriss emailed every single one of his friends and family and acquaintances and asked them to order his book. AND THAT’S HOW TIM FERRISS BECAME A SUCCESS DIDN’T I KNOW THIS?!

I had to do this. I had to tell everyone, everyone, absolutely everyone. Now was my time. I could best-seller JUST LIKE TIM FERRISS. I MUST BE LIKE TIM FERRISS. I MUST CHANNEL FERRIS I MUST BECOME ONE WITH THE FERRISS!! THIS WAS HOW TO BE A SUCCESS!

A lot of people like to tell me how to become successful. One of these people is my father (hi, dad!), who is adamant that when the time comes he will manufacture situation of extreme public humiliation just to up the sales of my book. He’s been promising me this since I was 10 and wrote a book called “Messy Lou.” (The whole plot of messy Lou, is a little girl named Lou who hates cleaning her room, even at 10 I was into non-fiction.) And look, I’m not for this idea, but Carl, NOW IS THE TIME.

Other tips for success I’ve been given:

  1. Have you ever written anything like Nicolas Sparks? Do that

  2. Have you talked to Oprah? Do that

  3. Wear more lipstick [an actual comment on an actual judges ballot from a round of college debate]

Only after getting yelled at to become one with Ferriss, did I realize, I actually do know a little about Tim Ferriss. He’s one of the many many many many many many many many many *deep breath* many men who have a podcast. Last April, a friend of mine had me listen to Tim Ferriss interview the owner of a million different very hip restaurants, Nick Kokonas.

I had a very bad attitude when this suggestion was made. You want me to listen to MEN talk about BOOKS and I’m sorry, oh also, SUCCESS? Like, hi, do you know me?

But I was cleaning my floor one day and out of true crime podcasts, so fine, I listened and fine it was interesting. Actually, more than interesting. It was fascinating. I’m obsessed with the Aviary (one of Kokonas’ restaurants) and have spent a lot of time in the past two months just flipping through the Aviary cocktail book astounded at how everything in it seems more like alchemy than alcohol. I love the language of the book, how scents are fumigated into the drinks, drinks with ingredients like huckleberry and xanthan gum. Liquid and smoke bleed off the pages, each one full color, and almost impossible. It’s the closest I’ve ever been to a book of sorcery.

It’s also self-published. Because Kokonas and his business partner were just like, fuck it, we are doing this and doing it our way.

The most amazing thing about the podcast, was the breezy way men talked about success and just doing things. There was no fear of gatekeepers, no doubt about vision. They were at ease talking about their strengths, giving advice. Kokonas particularly was just like yeah I’m good at things in this nonchalant so what kind of a way. Like he was saying the sky was blue. Or that sometimes it rains. That informal tone of success felt like a foreign language. Like I needed a Google translate to tell me what this meant in anxious femalespeak.

Whenever another Democratic man enters the presidential field I wonder at the audacity. Like did no one ever tell you not to do it? Did no one every say, “This is a bad idea?” No, no one did. Which is incredible to me a human who is still often told that writing is a bad idea.

How can they do this? How can they just talk about success like this without apologizing without hesitating? And I wondered what it would be like to just live in a world where everyone just expected your success? Where you could just as for $4-a-word and not even blink?

Once I told someone I was dating that I got paid $1-a-word for one article and he told me I was overpaid. “Wow what a scam!” He said. I don’t talk to him any more.

But here at this fundraiser, I was being told TO BE TIM FERRISS TO BE UNAPOLOGETIC. COULD I BE TIM FERRISS?

I don’t know. It seems a little annoying. But maybe I’ll try.

In sum, please pre-order my book. I won’t ask you individually, because that’s annoying. And I won’t be mad if you don’t or do and don’t read it. Life is a journey and you have kids and a life or cats and a life and anyway, I love you. Have a great day.

Translated to Ferriss: