Dingus of the week: Jim Cramer et al.

Nice economy you got there; be a shame if anyone tanked it

Hey guys, quick question: Is it a bad thing if the stock market’s opening bell is now just the whomp-whomp of a sad trombone?

What does it mean when Marketplace Morning Report’s background music is “Yakety Sax”?

Will an applied math PhD please tell me how to feel if CNBC news shows are just hours of sobbing, only breaking for the occasional Cialis commercial?

Can someone call five male economists and ask them whether this image on CNN is good or bad? I simply cannot tell.

Like, seriously, rough week for that guy Dow and the rest of the Joneses but surely this can’t impact me, right?

Just kidding; we’re all doomed.

At this point, I cannot believe I am going to say this, but I think I’m rooting for my girl Climate Crisis right about now. She has way better answers than Chuck Schumer.

Like, they’re warning against what Climate Crisis could do, and it’s like, idk, maybe let her cook. She’s up to something.

Climate Crisis is advocating for the “Goodbye Earl” solution to capitalism and maybe it’s time.

The only economy that is strong in America is the dingus economy.

This week, the dinguses are simply everyone who was like, “No, tariffs are actually a good thing.” Or, even better, “Donald Trump isn’t going to actually do tariffs; he’s just messing with you.”

For example, Max Burns, a Democratic strategist, wrote last year in The Hill that Trump was probably just making up all that tariff stuff. With strategists like this, who needs Republicans to lose to? Dems, I’ll tell you to kick your own ass for free; you don’t have to pay some guy with a bow tie $200,000 to do it for you.

CNBC’s Joe Kernen supports tariffs because they’ll “increase inflation.” This man is still employed, by the way. A real galaxy brain take there, Kernan! Saying you support tariffs because they will make things worse is so wrong it almost makes sense.

Also, CNBC must really know how to pick them, because Jim Cramer is also out here supporting tariffs because he hates free trade. Which: Yes, VirJimia, there is a Santa Claus.

Okay, Adam Smith was wrong and the free hand of the market often throttles us. Welcome to the DSA. But what if there were a way to fix this without economic suicide? You don’t have to be all Jonathan Swift about it.

Jimbo is the kind of guy to be like, “Yes, actually eating poor Irish babies is a great solution to the potato famine.” Personally, I would argue think there are other ways to solve the problems of capitalism without doing a hit and run on the global economy. James Joseph Cramer out here is like, “Oh do we have a rat problem? Have we tried burning the entire country to the ground?”

Jimothy, my boy, I see your take fields have gone fallow. Time to rotate the thinking crops.

Finally, #NeverForget The Atlantic, which last year published Oren Cass’s garbled “Tariffs are fine because they’ll make the US richer” take. Never does he tell us what we are going to do with all that money, but I’m guessing it’s not things like feeding the poor (a group of people that’s about to become much larger in the US) or funding public education.

But don’t worry. While you won’t be able to buy groceries, these guys will continue to be very rich and still become richer to go on TV and say things like, “Do babies really need food?” And “If we send children to the mines at the age of 5, we can solve the childcare crisis.” And, “You are poor because your mother was a feminist — and a brunette.”

Runners up: The Newsmax Dingus Lineup

Also, while I was doing soul-crushing work in the content mines reading bad tariff takes from twenty-twenty-four, I went to the Newsmax site. Honestly? Their lineup of columnists was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

The collective noun for this murderers’ row of dinguses is a sex offender registry. I’ve never seen a more stunning collection of whites. All of these men together in a room equals one Andrew Tate. All of these men together in a room with a bunch of typewriters, just wrote “Females these days.”

You know a mail-order bride website loves to see these guys coming.

And now for something good

Unfortunately, we all have to like Wisconsin now. Just kidding, Wisconsin. I’ve always loved you and called you the Spain of the Midwest, because we go there for cheap booze and cheap access to the water. And you, too, like to dabble in fascism.

Cory Booker talked for 25 hours and it’s the most a Democrat has done to oppose this administration, since Chuck Schumer made a sad puppy dog face at Mike Johnson and said, “Pwetty pwease, don’t hurt us. We are just widdle guys.” 👉🥺👈

Also, remember when Schumer said he didn’t want a government shutdown because it would hurt the economy? *Looks at the stock market crashing like Elvis Presley’s EKG and laughs so hard I begin weeping*

Hacks Season 4 premieres this month. And since I am really scraping the bottom of the barrel for good things, I’ll violate my vow of silence on my personal life to let you all know that I went on a date this week.

Something I am enjoying

I began reading Christine Falls series and it is dark, and depressing, I can basically smell the alcoholism roiling off the page and I am enjoying it so so so much.

I am kind of addicted to the lightly misogynistic reddit board r/NiceGirls, where guys post crazy things women do. This week one guy posted a screenshot (now deleted) of him telling off a girl for ghosting him and everyone turned on him. And you know what? I really liked that. If this is fake, please just let me believe it’s real.

Also, a mezcal old-fashioned really hit the spot this week.