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Dingus of the Week: Lawmakers Trying to Ban TikTok
Just ban those men who interview people on the streets
The news was hard to read this week. America’s youth have become targets of so much violence. So, I was happy to hear that our lawmakers were working on a simple solution for that ONE SINGLE thing ravaging the lives of American youth — TikTok.
Do you know what the TikTok is doing to our youth? It’s showing them gay memes about Bella Ramsey and teaching them that Pedro Pascal is a zaddy.
TikTok is causing emotional distress because children now know that fridges can be cleaned and organized and not piles of filth with two-week-old Popeye’s biscuits moldering in the back under the vegetable drawer next to the dried-out baby carrots.
One day my daughter came to me and asked me why we don’t keep our chips in a nice clear plastic container or even have a chip clip instead of just shoving our Tostitos into the back of the cupboard because our chips were getting stale. And I was stunned like where did you hear such misinformation? And then she showed me a TikTok about pantry restocking and I was horrified. Like who will think about the children who are judging me?
Also, did you know that TikTok could maybe possibly be spying on us?1 Didn’t you know that the only ones in America allowed to spy on Americans are the US government, Google, Facebook, and most tech companies. That’s it! No one else.
In reality, the extensive hearings over TikTok and the fearmongering in the news amount to nothing more than anti-Asian racism.
And we don’t need more. Racism is the one part of the American supply chain that is actually working.
And Now For Something Good:
Our best friend, Caitlin Clark, was named Naismith Player of the Year and the Associated Press Player of the Year.
Well, well, well.
In 2022, Wisconsin's own Trans Handy Ma'am, Mercury Stardust, raised over $100k for trans healthcare. This year she’s at it again. With a fundraising effort that ends today. She started out with an ambitious goal of $1,000,000, but she’s already exceeded it with a new goal of $2,000,000.
That weird “doctor” who tried to sue Gwyneth Paltrow lost his case. But his weird quest to extort money from everyone’s favorite bone-both drinking Tenenbaum did give us some wonderful moments of cultural importance. Like this article from Drew Magary and this.
What I Am Drinking:
This week, I worked through my last big round of book edits and then prepared for my trip to Poland. I am going on a family heritage trip to Poland with my dad and two of my sisters.2 (That’s right, I have more sisters. I’ll be leaving two in the United States as my backup sisters. When you have four sisters you can afford to play fast and lose with a couple.)
I will be documenting the trip in little newsletter missives for subscribers only. So if you aren’t yet a paying subscriber, now is the time.
So, what I am saying is, I didn’t drink much this week. I did try a new tequila for margaritas last week. It was the Codigo Rose tequila, which means it was aged in wine barrels. Because sipping tequila is a new thing. And we all need to get on board. I love a sipping liquor. It was delightful. I enjoyed it. But maybe I just like a really good reposado the most.
Also, George Strait loves Codigo and sang a song about tequila for them. It’s a terrible song. But I hope that song makes him so rich he can buy enough tequila to embalm himself in.
I am not going to lie. Turning in this latest draft of my next book was really panic-inducing for me. I spent a lot of time Googling “how to write better in 24 hours” and “how can I be more like Kiese Laymon?”3
I was up until 2 am on Wednesday night, fussing over parts of the manuscript and, when I did sleep, I dreamed that everyone I knew hated it. But I turned it in on Thursday and that night I took my kids out to get a burger at one of our favorite local places, The Map Room, and I celebrated with a Manhattan — whiskey, vermouth, and bitters. Simple, strong, and a little sweet. The perfect classic cocktail.
I do hope to report on some Polish vodka by the end of next week.
Also, my apologies to my sisters because I will be singing this song our entire trip.
My maiden name is Baranowski, which means, genetically, I’m kielbasa.
It was really upsetting when I Googled those things and Google just responded with the message, “It’s too late for you, bitch.” Maybe tech companies have gone too far.