Two years ago today, my mom died of pancreatic cancer (8 weeks after diagnosis, which was 52 weeks after she started asking doctors to figure out what was "off" in her body, so on a related note: smash the patriarchy). I'm not even sure why I'm writing this comment except to say that I appreciate these reflections on loss, change, and tradition. I remember listening to my mom tell me everything she could tell me in those last weeks. At the end of October, she spent time to explain to me about all the things of hers that she was trusting me to keep. I packed up as much as I could into my Honda Civic (which never felt smaller) and trucked it back to Connecticut in a 21-hour drive straight through. Throughout those days I spent with her, I reassured her that I would look after everything and that my younger siblings and I would be okay. I also told her plainly that we would do what we have to do. She often felt like a burden, but she didn't want to be. This is why I am terrified to read her journals and maybe I never will.
So for the third year in a row I am off work on December 14th. In 2020 I had arrived at her deathbed in time to say goodbye. Last year, I took space and time for myself on this day. This year, I planned to do the same, but both of my kids are home sick from school. I don't believe in signs, but my mom did, and perhaps this is a sign that I should break my tradition of solitary grief and embrace the time with my kids.
Lyz, I can't thank you enough for sharing your stories of divorce, what you went through and what it's like on the other side. I'm a transgender woman married to an unaccepting and frankly transphobic spouse. I know one day we'll split up. I used to be extremely nervous of being alone and on my own. Your writing has given me hope and strength. When the day comes that I'm on my own, it'll be OK. I'll be able to embrace being alone. Thank you so much. 💕
THIS! SO MUCH. Thanks for keeping it real, Lyz. I appreciate the reminder that loss leaves room for something new and traditions change. I no longer host a "whole fam-damily" Christmas (read: 25 people), and this year, none of our kids will be here. Just siblings....7 of us baby boomers. I'm making an easy brunch-y meal with mimosas and mulled wine flowing. I've already lost siblings, so I'm extra grateful the rest of us are still kickin'.
I have been married to the same person for 40 years. I struggle with the holidays. This year, I am getting better about saying no, and setting boundaries. I just want time with my two adult children, and some good food. I am so not into presents and high expectations for magical memories. I have spent 40 years making the magic happen and I'm ready for someone else to take the job.
My brother called to tell me (tearfully) that his wife decided they couldn't stay at my house for Christmas this year -- it's too messy and chaotic, and she's sick of it. Our Dad lived with me caring for him for the last 16 years. I did all holidays so everyone could see him. He died this year, then I got covid. Now I have long covid & just do not have much energy. I exhausted myself doing Thanksgiving. Usually I go all out with their kids, playing, stringing popcorn, etc. I am going to be clinging to this column this year. Since the little kids won't be around, I'm thinking maybe I'll go see Six with my sisters on Christmas day.
I love your advent calendar. I was never that creative, but we always had some sort of fun and creative advent calendar growing up because my mom is that creative and then usually bought a Lego advent calendar for the boys, which they absolutely loved. The boys are now both at college so I didn't pull out our wooden advent calendar or buy a cheese one from Aldi. I feel a little lost without an advent calendar, but also feel a bit free. Which is exactly the way I feel about having an "empty nest" I guess. A little lost, but also a little more free. Anyway, the boys come home on Saturday, then the older son's girlfriend comes after Christmas to help celebrate his 21st birthday, the younger one will leave for a ski trip with my niece, and finally, the older one heads to Boston to present his research at the biggest math conference in the world. Which is to say, I am incredibly proud of my now young men, but miss the magic of Christmas with my boys.
Beautiful. I’m picturing happy kids eating snacks and it’s delightful.
The curse of being a pretty good cook/baker are the yearly requests for leek gratin and scalloped potatoes and prime rib and fancy desserts and big breakfasts. It’s time to teach them to make this stuff, lol.
I stopped putting ornaments on my tree last year. I bought a beautiful, rainbow, pre-lighted tree, but I felt no need to decorate it with ornaments. It was enough to plug it in and put the star on top. If I do receive an ornament during the season, I may include it.
Then I read a fb post by a friend who lost 2 family members this past year. As she was putting ornaments up, she was grieving so much as they had meaning and significance. It was overwhelming for her. So I think it is okay not to put the ornaments on the tree sometimes.
I had forgotten that when my nephew was young, my mom would send him on a scavenger hunt for his gifts. She wrote clues in beautiful poems. He LOVED it! At some point when he got older she dropped the tradition because she thought he wouldn't appreciate it but he said he missed it, at the ripe old age of 16 or something like that. I loved reading your new traditions with your kids!
Oh Lyz I loved this so much, especially the part about the security guard who sat with you because I’ve been thinking lately of all the people who lift you up in these moments. They are sometimes people close to you and sometimes just a stranger who sees you for a moment. I felt the same in my divorce, leaving things, not deserving because I wanted the divorce. I’m 73 now and told my oldest son the other day, I’m so lucky, I feel I don’t deserve this life, I’ve made so many mistakes. He looked at me and said, “ it’s not like it’s been easy for you Mom”. I love your writing even though it takes me back there and sometimes makes me cry.
Your movie night sounds PERFECT. we always had while the kids were growing up, the advent calendar with the little chocolates in them, one for each of our three kids, courtesy of an auntie. I grew up with little window pic ones and never much liked the chocolate ones in terms of how they looked (cheesy)...of course the kids loved them...After all three left the house, there were no advent calendars for years until this year when i ordered one for MYSELF alone from Oxford university Library that showed rows of old books, that opened to little windows into illuminated manuscript pics. I am 62 and sometimes my husband has to remind me - did you open your advent today? yet, i LOVE it. i do not know if it will become a 'tradition' - but i felt like i was free to do the stuff i wanted amidst the rest, that i alone picked out to suite my exact aesthetic taste. Freedom! traditions are best if they feel spontaneous in the moment. Kudos to the ones who work the magic!
I left my marriage this year in January. I had told my husband I wanted to separate the previous June. We went to marriage counseling, not to try to save the marriage (I knew counseling wouldn't change my mind), but to work out how and when we would tell our then-9-year-old daughter. We decided to wait until after Christmas and the New Year. And we waited to tell anyone else until after we told our daughter. It was a very long 6+ months and I felt like I was being deceitful and lying every day, especially after I signed a lease and was slowly, secretly from my daughter, setting up a new home for us. But I had sort of been lying - mainly to myself - for many years prior, so I did feel some relief after telling my husband I wanted out. Now, almost a year later, we refer to ourselves as "married but living separately" because we don't have plans to divorce anytime soon. It's complicated. I am good with just saying "separated" because the "marriage" part, at this point, is just co-parenting, joint finances, and joint family activities for the sake of our daughter and because my husband and I still get along, we have fun together, and there is no drama between us.
Lyz, thank you for sharing your stories here. They definitely help me feel less alone.
This post got me in my feels. I have struggled a lot with Christmas since my mom died in 1995. That's a long time. I've gone through many of those as a single person, a few years living with my grandmother, which was wonderful, and then in my marriage, it has been a mixed bag. When my stepkids were teens/twenties they were incredibly challenging, and would often bring really sketchy strangers to the house when they were in their Rainbow Gathering phases. It's better now, but since my best friend died six years ago, the season is marked by grief for me. Something I carry from my mom is similar to yours with your kids - she wasn't into burdening kids with too many traditions, beyond decorating a tree. I share that with my husband, and the kids are doing their own things now - one has converted to Islam, so she doesn't celebrate any more. It all works out. I'm making cookies because I feel like it. I still don't know what we will eat - it might be grape soda and cheese. Mainly I am trying to enjoy the time. Our biggest concern is whether the dog will try to hump the tree.
I love advent calendars. I gave out 11 of them this year to kids of neighbors and friends. They seem to love them. Mine only have chocolates. I think your approach is far better, adding a sense of adventure under every window. Good on you.
This piece and these comments. ❤️ Each year, if I'm lucky, there is a single moment in which I "feel Christmas." It has never come this early before, but here we are. Thank you, Lyz and everyone here.
Two years ago today, my mom died of pancreatic cancer (8 weeks after diagnosis, which was 52 weeks after she started asking doctors to figure out what was "off" in her body, so on a related note: smash the patriarchy). I'm not even sure why I'm writing this comment except to say that I appreciate these reflections on loss, change, and tradition. I remember listening to my mom tell me everything she could tell me in those last weeks. At the end of October, she spent time to explain to me about all the things of hers that she was trusting me to keep. I packed up as much as I could into my Honda Civic (which never felt smaller) and trucked it back to Connecticut in a 21-hour drive straight through. Throughout those days I spent with her, I reassured her that I would look after everything and that my younger siblings and I would be okay. I also told her plainly that we would do what we have to do. She often felt like a burden, but she didn't want to be. This is why I am terrified to read her journals and maybe I never will.
So for the third year in a row I am off work on December 14th. In 2020 I had arrived at her deathbed in time to say goodbye. Last year, I took space and time for myself on this day. This year, I planned to do the same, but both of my kids are home sick from school. I don't believe in signs, but my mom did, and perhaps this is a sign that I should break my tradition of solitary grief and embrace the time with my kids.
We're going to make my mom's fudge recipe.
What a kind and perceptive security guard.
Lyz, I can't thank you enough for sharing your stories of divorce, what you went through and what it's like on the other side. I'm a transgender woman married to an unaccepting and frankly transphobic spouse. I know one day we'll split up. I used to be extremely nervous of being alone and on my own. Your writing has given me hope and strength. When the day comes that I'm on my own, it'll be OK. I'll be able to embrace being alone. Thank you so much. 💕
THIS! SO MUCH. Thanks for keeping it real, Lyz. I appreciate the reminder that loss leaves room for something new and traditions change. I no longer host a "whole fam-damily" Christmas (read: 25 people), and this year, none of our kids will be here. Just siblings....7 of us baby boomers. I'm making an easy brunch-y meal with mimosas and mulled wine flowing. I've already lost siblings, so I'm extra grateful the rest of us are still kickin'.
I love this. Your timing could not be better.
I have been married to the same person for 40 years. I struggle with the holidays. This year, I am getting better about saying no, and setting boundaries. I just want time with my two adult children, and some good food. I am so not into presents and high expectations for magical memories. I have spent 40 years making the magic happen and I'm ready for someone else to take the job.
My brother called to tell me (tearfully) that his wife decided they couldn't stay at my house for Christmas this year -- it's too messy and chaotic, and she's sick of it. Our Dad lived with me caring for him for the last 16 years. I did all holidays so everyone could see him. He died this year, then I got covid. Now I have long covid & just do not have much energy. I exhausted myself doing Thanksgiving. Usually I go all out with their kids, playing, stringing popcorn, etc. I am going to be clinging to this column this year. Since the little kids won't be around, I'm thinking maybe I'll go see Six with my sisters on Christmas day.
I love your advent calendar. I was never that creative, but we always had some sort of fun and creative advent calendar growing up because my mom is that creative and then usually bought a Lego advent calendar for the boys, which they absolutely loved. The boys are now both at college so I didn't pull out our wooden advent calendar or buy a cheese one from Aldi. I feel a little lost without an advent calendar, but also feel a bit free. Which is exactly the way I feel about having an "empty nest" I guess. A little lost, but also a little more free. Anyway, the boys come home on Saturday, then the older son's girlfriend comes after Christmas to help celebrate his 21st birthday, the younger one will leave for a ski trip with my niece, and finally, the older one heads to Boston to present his research at the biggest math conference in the world. Which is to say, I am incredibly proud of my now young men, but miss the magic of Christmas with my boys.
Beautiful. I’m picturing happy kids eating snacks and it’s delightful.
The curse of being a pretty good cook/baker are the yearly requests for leek gratin and scalloped potatoes and prime rib and fancy desserts and big breakfasts. It’s time to teach them to make this stuff, lol.
I stopped putting ornaments on my tree last year. I bought a beautiful, rainbow, pre-lighted tree, but I felt no need to decorate it with ornaments. It was enough to plug it in and put the star on top. If I do receive an ornament during the season, I may include it.
Then I read a fb post by a friend who lost 2 family members this past year. As she was putting ornaments up, she was grieving so much as they had meaning and significance. It was overwhelming for her. So I think it is okay not to put the ornaments on the tree sometimes.
I had forgotten that when my nephew was young, my mom would send him on a scavenger hunt for his gifts. She wrote clues in beautiful poems. He LOVED it! At some point when he got older she dropped the tradition because she thought he wouldn't appreciate it but he said he missed it, at the ripe old age of 16 or something like that. I loved reading your new traditions with your kids!
Oh Lyz I loved this so much, especially the part about the security guard who sat with you because I’ve been thinking lately of all the people who lift you up in these moments. They are sometimes people close to you and sometimes just a stranger who sees you for a moment. I felt the same in my divorce, leaving things, not deserving because I wanted the divorce. I’m 73 now and told my oldest son the other day, I’m so lucky, I feel I don’t deserve this life, I’ve made so many mistakes. He looked at me and said, “ it’s not like it’s been easy for you Mom”. I love your writing even though it takes me back there and sometimes makes me cry.
Your movie night sounds PERFECT. we always had while the kids were growing up, the advent calendar with the little chocolates in them, one for each of our three kids, courtesy of an auntie. I grew up with little window pic ones and never much liked the chocolate ones in terms of how they looked (cheesy)...of course the kids loved them...After all three left the house, there were no advent calendars for years until this year when i ordered one for MYSELF alone from Oxford university Library that showed rows of old books, that opened to little windows into illuminated manuscript pics. I am 62 and sometimes my husband has to remind me - did you open your advent today? yet, i LOVE it. i do not know if it will become a 'tradition' - but i felt like i was free to do the stuff i wanted amidst the rest, that i alone picked out to suite my exact aesthetic taste. Freedom! traditions are best if they feel spontaneous in the moment. Kudos to the ones who work the magic!
I left my marriage this year in January. I had told my husband I wanted to separate the previous June. We went to marriage counseling, not to try to save the marriage (I knew counseling wouldn't change my mind), but to work out how and when we would tell our then-9-year-old daughter. We decided to wait until after Christmas and the New Year. And we waited to tell anyone else until after we told our daughter. It was a very long 6+ months and I felt like I was being deceitful and lying every day, especially after I signed a lease and was slowly, secretly from my daughter, setting up a new home for us. But I had sort of been lying - mainly to myself - for many years prior, so I did feel some relief after telling my husband I wanted out. Now, almost a year later, we refer to ourselves as "married but living separately" because we don't have plans to divorce anytime soon. It's complicated. I am good with just saying "separated" because the "marriage" part, at this point, is just co-parenting, joint finances, and joint family activities for the sake of our daughter and because my husband and I still get along, we have fun together, and there is no drama between us.
Lyz, thank you for sharing your stories here. They definitely help me feel less alone.
This post got me in my feels. I have struggled a lot with Christmas since my mom died in 1995. That's a long time. I've gone through many of those as a single person, a few years living with my grandmother, which was wonderful, and then in my marriage, it has been a mixed bag. When my stepkids were teens/twenties they were incredibly challenging, and would often bring really sketchy strangers to the house when they were in their Rainbow Gathering phases. It's better now, but since my best friend died six years ago, the season is marked by grief for me. Something I carry from my mom is similar to yours with your kids - she wasn't into burdening kids with too many traditions, beyond decorating a tree. I share that with my husband, and the kids are doing their own things now - one has converted to Islam, so she doesn't celebrate any more. It all works out. I'm making cookies because I feel like it. I still don't know what we will eat - it might be grape soda and cheese. Mainly I am trying to enjoy the time. Our biggest concern is whether the dog will try to hump the tree.
I love advent calendars. I gave out 11 of them this year to kids of neighbors and friends. They seem to love them. Mine only have chocolates. I think your approach is far better, adding a sense of adventure under every window. Good on you.
This piece and these comments. ❤️ Each year, if I'm lucky, there is a single moment in which I "feel Christmas." It has never come this early before, but here we are. Thank you, Lyz and everyone here.