Dingus of the week: Super Bowl Conspiracy Theorists
Animated toilet water
This is the weekly dingus, the newsletter where I make fun of someone or something in the news that’s made our lives and country a little worse. Never miss a dingus by becoming a subscriber.
This weekend is the Super Bowl. And I will be watching, if by Super Bowl you mean Caitlin Clark going for the NCAA women’s scoring record.
The other, lesser Super Bowl is going to be an epic match up between Taylor Swift and the rest of the nation. If I understand it correctly, and I do because I watch a lot of TikTok, Taylor Swift will be fist-fighting every man in America on the 50-yard-line at Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas.
Or that’s what you’d think given the level of coverage she’s gotten for literally just dating an athlete and showing up to football games.
Taylor Swift’s very presence at the Super Bowl is so deeply destabilizing to a segment of America that there are conspiracy theories that the entire game is one big front to make Joe Biden win the election.
On the site formerly known as Twitter, Laura Loomer, who is as far as I can tell what would happen if you turned 4chan into a human being, wrote “the Democrats’ Taylor Swift election interference psyop is happening in the open… They are going to use Taylor Swift as the poster child for their pro-abortion GOTV Campaign.”
Professional Republican fail son Vivek Ramaswamy and anthropomorphized toilet water Jack Posobiec also tweeted about this conspiracy. And it’s like, my dudes, I wish Democrats were organized enough to pull off a psyop of such magnitude.
But like listen, my dudes, we can barely get our Democratic president to agree that abortion is a good thing. We can’t even get our government to stop funding genocide. You think we can coordinate rigging the Super Bowl? Are you out of your minds? (Yes, probably.) But if we were capable of pulling off such a feat, you’d think we’d start by like, codifying reproductive rights into law.
Also, you know we live in the shadow realm when a blonde, blue-eyed girl from Pennsylvania and her pro-football-player boyfriend are the number one enemy of the Republicans.
I think they’re just mad because girls have everything now. We have the most famous pop star. The highest-grossing movie of 2023. We have football. Basketball is all about women now. We made your beer woke. We have everything except equal rights — and if you don’t give us those soon, we are coming for power tools and trucks next.
Nice History Channel you got there men. It’d be a shame if anything happened to it.
Whispers It’s The Herstory Channel now, bros.
And now for something good:
Last Vegas has turned into the Chip Strip. And you can get married by a hologram Chester Cheeto. Some would say this is the excesses of capitalism at their most flagrant and disgusting. I say it’s what makes me PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.
Less than two weeks until THIS AMERICAN EX-WIFE COMES OUT! And I have been getting a lot of good news about the book and I can’t wait to share it all with you.
Normal Gossip was nominated for the iHeart Radio best podcast of the year. The awards are based on fan voting, so if you vote every day, we can support the best Kelsey/Kelce in America. And that is Kelsey McKinney.
The National Labor Review Board ruled that Dartmouth basketball players are employees and can form a union.
What I’ve been drinking:
I have been so anxious about the book launch that the other day, as I was cleaning and packing for a trip to my friend’s wedding, I mixed myself a vodka tonic. I forgot that drinking before bed is a bad idea when you are over 40. Which then led to me forgetting to set my alarm at the correct time and waking up at 5am for a 6am flight. Fortunately, I live in Iowa, so by some miracle I made my flight with even a few minutes to spare. God bless the Cedar Rapids airport security, which never has a line.
I am planning a trip to Texas to visit my parents in March. My parents live in a small town in a dry county. It’s literally the plot of Footloose over there. And I was telling my mom she better procure some booze. During the course of the conversation, she revealed to me that, despite the fact that the county has banned liquor sales, you can buy gin and vodka at the quilt store, because those are used for dyeing fabrics. And when I found out that my mom’s quilt store is a secret speakeasy, it made me remember how much I love those resourceful Texas broads. These are my people. The women that made me. Now, find a fabric arts-related use for whiskey before March 8, okay?