Anyone who has written something on the internet has had some asshole yelling at them about something. I am no exception. Usually it doesn’t bother me. I am one of eight kids, my dad is a lawyer. My family dinners are more brutal than a Bernie v. Hilary fight on Twitter. In fact, I’d take a Bernie bro screaming in my face about the corruption of the Clinton’s over my sisters eviscerating my hairstyles any day.
One of my brothers is in the military and when I asked him how boot camp was, he answered, “Hard, but not as hard as dinner with the sisters.”
Over Thanksgiving, my parents had a 15-minute argument about whether that could or could not be my head on the cover of my book.
Dad: Her neck has never been that thick!
Mom: Well, maybe. After the last pregnancy?
Dad: FOUR YEARS AGO?
Mom: It could be though…I mean look at it now.
Me: *runs to the next room to pour some whiskey like a healthy person*
One of my delightful in laws once lectured me for several minutes about whether Boomers did in fact ruin the economy. He did this after I jokingly told my dad to quit whining about Millennials and go back to ruining the economy. And look, I adore my sister’s husband, but PLEASE TOSS MY BODY INTO AN ACTUAL ALT-RIGHT MESSAGE BOARD THAN MAKE ME LISTEN TO MY BROTHER IN LAW EXPLAIN THE POLICY IMPLICATIONS OF ‘TOO BIG TO FAIL’ AND IDK BECAUSE I’M NOT LISTENING.
(PS Only my amazing and wonderful SIL subscribes and she pays, which is incredible. Hi!!!)
I thought I’d share some of the more fun haterade I get. Because, let’s admit it, there is a certain art to insults and if you were raised by a lawyer, you might, like me, think a well-turned insult can be delightful. And even if you don’t, I know you are all messy bitches, like me. And you want to see. I picked the fun interesting ones. But rest assured the majority are, “U R A CUNT.”
I have often thought about reading these comments at a literary open mic.
My favorite insults the ones where people are like: “WHAT KIND OF NAME IS LYZ? ANYWAY?!” And I agree. It’s stupid. I was born a normal Elizabeth. But in sixth grade, as an act of rebellion, I insisted on changing the spelling of my name to “Lyz” and I berated my family about ACCEPTING ME FOR WHO I AM for so many years that I never had the guts to change it back. The gauntlet of sibling mockery would be too brutal to endure. My sisters are truly the only people in this world I fear.
I actually low-key tried to change back when I went to college. When my mom came to help me move in, she saw the jaunty colorful sign my RA had made, welcoming LIZ to college! My mom ripped the sign off the door and took it to the Residential Life office to insist they correct this egregious and offensive error. I stood by and let her. And if there is an afterlife, that is one of the things I’m going to have to answer for.
Okay, here’s a sip of haterade. But before we begin, some disclaimers:
People are allowed to criticize me and please, do not, in anyway go after or retaliate against any of the people below. Also, most of the hate came to me either directly or I was pointed to it. I did not seek it out. I have a good therapist and great boundaries. Also, it's worth noting that women of color receive the bulk of online harassment and endure much worse than I go through. So please think twice before bashing a woman of color online. But not me, because I deserve it. All of this said, please don’t go out of your way to let me know when people hate me on the internet. I mean, I know. I KNOW!
Let's begin with my favorite Twitter comment of all time.
A house full of cats and a drawer full of dildos is the American dream.
Trust me, my parents hopes for me were never THAT high.
I think this next one is a compliment?
Homeschooling cannot “innoculate” against the poz.
This one is spot on. I DO NEED PATIENT AND PERSISTENT TOUGH LOVE. I MAY NEVER FIND IT.
Not Jewish. Not Iowaish. But also fuck this guy for the reference to a recent Iowa tragedy.
No one is interested. Not even this person who spent a lot of time Googling me.
SOMETHING OF A COMEDIAN
Why can't she?
PS The last paywalled email I sent spilled some tea about my last article about an alt-right divorce.