Dingus of the week: Dustin Burrows

Take a cue from James Dobson and burrow right into the bowels of Hell

There isn’t much bipartisan consensus in Texas these days. Still, both parties can agree that the Dallas Cowboys have a snowball’s chance in Laredo of winning the Super Bowl, and Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives Dustin Burrows is a little weasel.

Burrows became speaker after winning more Democrats over to his side than Republicans — 49 Democrats and 36 Republicans.

According to the Texas Tribune, “In his acceptance speech after winning the gavel, Burrows promised to protect the House as an independent institution, where lawmakers could disagree with each other without fear of repercussions and get a fair shake, even if they’d opposed him.”

*whomp whoooomp*

Let’s see how that promise is working out.

As speaker, Burrows has pushed through every item on the GOP-led agenda; is overseeing the incredibly gerrymandered redistricting process; and imprisoned a Texas representative inside the Capitol building.

This week, Democratic state Rep. Nicole Collier wasn’t allowed to exit the Capitol after she refused to be shadowed by an armed escort. Collier and other Democrats fled the state to delay a vote on the redistricting process in Texas. This is a time-honored protest tactic in Texas.

And it was deployed this time to draw attention to the craven power grab happening in the state.

According to the Texas Tribune, “...the map dismantles Democratic strongholds around Austin, Dallas, and Houston and makes Democrat-held seats in South Texas redder — all without seriously jeopardizing any of the 25 districts Republicans already control. The proposed map also would push a handful of Democratic members of Congress into seats already represented by other Democrats, setting up possible primary battles between long-serving members of the Texas delegation and younger newcomers.”

Collier and other Democrats fled the state and delayed the vote for two weeks. They returned after lawmakers in California vowed to do the legislative equivalent of “I’m rubber, you’re glue” in their state and gerrymander right back — this time for the Democrats.

When Collier returned, Burrows insisted that she and other lawmakers could only leave the Capitol building if they were followed by a 24-hour police escort. Tell me more about the party of small government, will you? Collier refused those terms and was imprisoned on the Capitol floor until the vote happened on Wednesday.

Remember what Burrows said about being fair and letting people disagree with him? Turns out what he meant was, “Fall in line or I’ll detain you and violate your constitutional rights.”

It’s arguable that Burrows’ actions are not supported by law.

But what is not arguable is that he’s a smarmy bottom-feeder with the moral integrity of dog vomit.

I’ve seen mollusks with more spine than Dustin Burrows.

And listen, I wasn’t present in the back-door negotiations that led to Burrows being elected speaker. Perhaps there was the idea that a Burrows-brand House would hurt less than one led by a more hard-line Republican.

But if 2025 has taught us anything, it’s that there is no negotiation with terrorists, or the whiny little cave-dwellers who promise they are reasonable and then just go about treating habeas corpus like a roll of Charmin. There isn’t a softer, gentler, more sane Republicanism that you can deal with. When your choices are being smothered to death with the flag or choked out on the Constitution, does it really matter? If your murderer says sorry at the end, does that make you any less dead?

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Dingus runner-up:

In a normal week, trying to bribe a reporter by putting $160 in a chip bag would make you the top-tier dingus. But in 2025, that level of crispy, idiotic corruption barely ranks. My favorite is the lawyer essentially saying, “Let’s just forget this all happened. Friends just give each other money in chip bags. It’s normal. No worries!”

And now for something good:

This week, James Dobson joined Hulk Hogan in the league of dinguses who died before they could be properly roasted here on Earth. But that’s okay, because I know he’s roasting in hell. Where Lyz fails, the devil prevails.

Dobson was the head of Focus on the Family, an Evangelical nonprofit that is responsible for at least 65% of what is wrong with most American adults. Turns out, we needed him to focus a little less on the family.

Dobson, a homophobic misogynist with a face like God turned it in at 11:59 on the sixth day of creation, spent his one wild and precious life arguing that parents should beat their children and their dogs. And I know, because it was his books that led to my being terrorized by a wooden spoon that had “Spare the rod, spoil the child. Proverbs 13:14” written on the bowl, which over the years became cracked and broken from being used to hit me and my siblings.

But that’s not his only contribution to America’s evils; Dobson did everything he could to make the lives of gay people worse. Sir, the only thing threatening about the gay agenda is that you might have to use some moisturizer.

He lived 89 years too long. And I hope he’s found a home in that great gender-neutral bathroom in the sky.

I do not know this woman, but she is innocent.

The Onion is bringing print back.

Every day Alex Jones gets closer to losing his empire, we all get closer to returning to the warm light of God’s love.

Maryland is rejecting the Trump administration’s efforts to censor what schools can teach.

And Gavin Newsom is working really hard to shake those dingus allegations. I am not retracting his title, as he is the No. 1 winner of the Rahm Emanuel Award for Politicians With Heads of Hair and Hearts of Craven Ambition, but I am appreciating the memes.

And a judge ruled that Florida needs to shut down Alligator Alcatraz.

Something I am enjoying

It’s the week before school starts, and I’ve spent the summer running an abortion fund.

And I am exhausted. I took most of the week off to parent my kids — back-to-school shopping, endless appointments for eyes and teeth and, well, everything else. Then, next week, I begin working on some VERY exciting changes at this newsletter.

Which I hope to be able to tell you all about soon. In the meantime, I took Wednesday off to do laundry, fold clothes, drink red wine and scream-sing Celine Dion.