Dingus of the Week: Senators Who Can’t Read So Good

ALSO THE SEA LIFE IS ORCANIZING

In 2001, First Lady Laura Bush launched her Ready to Read, Ready to Learn program that was designed to help the youth of America develop the necessary language skills for the future. According to the White House website, “Laura Bush believes that everyone in America should know how important basic language and reading skills are for young children.”

A noble cause, but in hindsight it seems that Mrs. Bush’s actions were misdirected. The First Lady spent all her time focusing on the youth and missed the literacy crisis plaguing America’s senators. If only she’d known, if only any of us had known, we’d have been able to fend off this crisis. But hindsight, for the Bush years, is 20/holyfuckingshitwedidthat??20. And now the literacy problem facing America is nearly insurmountable.

Namely, a bunch of senators are functionally illiterate.

If we are to take them at their word – and when have American senators ever led us astray? – a vast swath of elected officials simply cannot read.

This week, when asked about the indictment of the former president Donald Trump, many senators confessed to not having read the document. 

Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa)

Sen. Deb Fischer (R-Neb.)

Sen. Steve Daines (R-MT)

All told the Bulwark they had not read the indictment. But the most concerning response came from Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa), who noted he hadn’t read the indictment, “I haven’t read it at all. I’m not a legal analyst. I’m gonna leave that to the professionals to tell us about it. I’ve read everything I can of secondary sources of it, but not the original.” 

Mr. Grassley, sir, you were the head of the judiciary committee under the now-indicted president. If anyone in the Senate has any ability to analyze this indictment, it would be you, sir. SIR!

I think we need to teach lawmakers the ABCs, which are:

A is for accusation

B is for bars

C is for crime

D is for you absolute dinguses.

Ready to Read, Ready to Legislate, amirite?

Some senators had read the indictment. But their functional literacy skills seemed to be lacking. In a podcast episode, J.D. Vance (R-Ohio), concluded of the charges, “But the fundamental problem is, who controls the documents produced by the executive branch of our government? Is it the permanent bureaucracy, or is it the people’s elected president? I think it’s the president.”

Which is, according to my analysis, just a mad-libs way of saying “Derp.”

If these senators are capable of reading and comprehending, then their game of ignorance seems a little ill-conceived. Like, they’re indictments, Joni, not a mountain lion. If you hold still it won’t go away. They are indictments, not Tinker Bell, if you don’t believe in them, they don’t just disappear.

These are legal charges.  Something with actual consequences. And consequences are those pesky little things that come after you do something. They are the results of your actions. I hope this helps. Maybe you can have an AI robot read them out loud to you or something.

And Now For Something Good:

My team, High Fructose Corn Sweat ran a 339 mi relay across the state last weekend and in the process raised over $5,000 for Trans Mutual Aid and One Iowa. That means so far this year alone, this newsletter community has raised over $10,000 for LGBTQ people in Iowa.  I cannot even believe that. We aren’t even the biggest and most powerful newsletter out there. But we are getting together and making a difference.

I will have more to say about it later, but running 339 mi across the state might be one of the most bananas things I’ve ever done. I saw a bobcat outside of Dayton(I swear, I did!), absolutely ruined a port-a-potty in Dyersville, peed in three fields and one graveyard (not on a grave!), and saw people dig deep for that whatever it is inside of them to keep going, even when it was raining at 3 a.m. and your quads felt like tree stumps. I was thinking about that during my last solo miles, about that thing in you that gives when you have nothing left. I remember being so depressed in 2021 and telling my therapist that I had nothing else left. And she told me I’d find it because that’s what I always did. And that when you are looking for hope, the place to find it is always deep within. But also, absolutely fuck those hills outside the Feild of Dreams. Tin Cup was a better movie and we are right to say it.

And I’m so amazed by this little newsletter community. Thank you so much for being part of it. If you are a free reader or paid subscriber, you all play a role in making our world a little better, brighter, and a little less dingusy.

Gay Pride has taken another victim – the Cracker Barrel and Christianity. Now all the gays have to do is get the Crunchwrap Supreme to go woke and then America will have finally fallen.

It’s the summer of unions and even the sea life continues to “orcanize.”

Mother Nature is also putting up a fight. This week the bad air from the Canadian wildfires made it to Iowa and I had a spontaneous nosebleed on my dog walk. And look, I don’t love that we are being murdered by Mother Nature, but I accept that she is correct to be doing what she is doing. We know what we did. We deserve this.

What I Am Drinking:

This week, in order to recover from the run, I gave myself some time off. This meant that tried to stop working most afternoons by 2 p.m and take a break and read and drink beer on my patio. On Sunday, I hosted an after-party for the relay Iowa team and my friend Rob left a lot of Iowa beers at my house. And my fridge is filled with Big Grove Beers and this delightful lager called “Liquid Hug” from Gezellig Brewing in Newton, Iowa. I quite enjoyed that.

Word on the street is that the jalapeno lime aid from Trader Joe’s is the perfect summer mixer. I will be investigating this important issue and get back to you all on that. 🫡