Dingus of the week: Matt Gaetz
Dingus of the week: Matt Gaetz
Time to drink a nice chianti
This is the dings of the week. The Friday newsletter where I make fun of someone or something in America that is making our lives just a little bit worse. When you sit and wonder how you are going to survive the collapse of American democracy, remember, I’ll be here naming and claiming dingii until morale improves or the robots take over.1
This week marks the third anniversary of me writing this newsletter as my full-time job. I wrote an anniversary post to let you know all about how this newsletter started. In honor of my newsletter anniversary, I’m running a 30 percent-off sale on annual subscriptions until October 16!
If you don’t want a subscription, but you do want to support me. Please pre-order my book This American Ex Wife. Pre-orders are crucial to the success of a book. And it’s already getting raves on Good Reads. (If it ever does not get a rave on Good Reads, that will simply be none of my business, because I am not gonna be the author who fights the Good Reads community. I’ll be the author who splashes her drink in the face of her enemy at a party.)
Okay, and now the dingus…
Matt Gaetz, a Republican congressman from Florida, and America’s pre-eminent carrier of forehead, finally, legally fucked someone over, and it was Kevin McCarthy.
If you missed the news because you are sick of America’s shenanigans and you wanted to return to the woods to live peacefully, let me quickly explain — Gaetz was behind an effort to oust McCarthy from his role as speaker of the house, because he had the AUDACITY to make a deal with the Democrats to prevent a government shutdown.
It’s a ludicrous plan that has no chance of succeeding and trying to put it into action could make it so thousands of government employees don’t get a paycheck, but that’s never stopped Gaetz before. And as god is his witness, it won’t stop him now.
Really, he’s a hero. A warrior. An inspiration and a crusader for all that is deeply wrong with America.
And guess, what? He’s under attack!
Oh no, did it hurt when you got criticized by your own party for obstructing the one job you were elected to do? Did that hurt your feelings when they “booed” you? I’ll bet, my buddy.
I mean, it sucked when y’all took away my rights to bodily autonomy. But no, no, this is about you right now, Matthew. Not about me and my little problem with wanting a functioning government so millions of people don’t lose access to childcare.
Oh speaking of breeders, that reminds me. All of this isn’t Gaetz’s fault. He’s just a widdle baby. Do you know who did this? The women.
That’s right. Even Gaetz’s critics are quick to point out that even though this happened because of Gaetz and 8 Republicans who joined forces with the Democrats for the sole purpose of giving Kevin McCarthy a metaphorical swirly, this is Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez’s fault.
“Matt Gaetz just got schooled by AOC and others; he was totally manipulated into doing this,” Rep. Garret Graves (R-La.), a close McCarthy ally, told reporters Wednesday. “There were eight so-called Republicans that got together with 208 Democrats to oust the Republican Speaker.”
“I can’t believe he’s that stupid to be used, to be manipulated by AOC and others to create this outcome,” he added.
Remember when you were like five and you scratched yourself on your arm and then told your mom your sister did it? No? Me either. But I’m sure some kids did that. (Not me though.)
This is basically that. Republicans punching themselves in the face and wondering why the Democrats made them do it?
AOC was like, “I was not elected by the people to change the diapers of man babies. That is not in the Constitution.”
Greg Sargent, writing in the Washington Post observed, “What’s become clear now is there is no Republican majority in the House united behind any governing approach. The Gaetz faction is committed to a project that most House Republicans ultimately are not: eschewing consensus governing entirely wherever possible and making no concessions to Democrats whatsoever.”
It’s clear that Republicans have no sense of responsibility to do the jobs they were elected to do. Instead, they want to govern with chaos and then blame literally anyone else for the natural consequences of their actions.
It is not the Democrats’ job to coddle a faction of American politics so hellbent on destruction that they will literally organize a coup instead of honoring the results of a free and fair election. It is not the responsibility of anyone to protect men from the General Shermanesque march of their egos over the minefields of American history.
All too often, however, that’s the solution for everything. Childcare cliff? Let women stop working to fix it! Male loneliness? Have more sex, ladies! Petty obstructionist political governance with no plan or focus? WOMEN, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US?
As if our lives were a tourniquet for the wounds they inflict.
Side note: It was really unfair to blame Helen of Troy for starting that war. It was her literal face! She can’t help it if people fall in love with her. Faces don’t launch ships, men of war do!
A more thoughtful side note: Of course,
wrote a very smart take on all this congressional nonsense.And now for something good…
Because our government avoided a shutdown, Fat Bear Week is back on. Fat Bear Week is a fun little competition run by the National Parks Service, where people vote for the fattest bear as they get ready to hibernate. Fat Bear Week, is not, sadly, about very rugged gay or bi-sexual men. Although, we do love you too. And you are also a good thing.
Another good thing that’s been happening the past few weeks is it’s awards season! There are National Book Award Finalists, a Nobel Prize Winner! Books for you to read and enjoy! Art to consume!
Make sure you purchase your tickets for the Iowa Abortion Access Fundraiser. Why is this something good? Well, let me tell you. Because IAAF is personally funding abortions in a red state where reproductive care is hard to access. That’s good. Help them.
This Monday, the weekly subscriber-only discussion is a live AMA that will begin at 7pm CT on Oct 9. If you want to ask your questions in advance and/or anonymously, submit them here!
What I am drinking…
In honor of my newsletter anniversary, I am giving myself Friday off. Thank you for that! Also thank you to everyone who subscribed. I was able to give my editor Serena a small raise! I am not paying her enough but because of your support, I could give her more.
In honor of Serena, I asked her what she was drinking and she said that she went to an incredibly weird and wonderful restaurant in West Virginia and sang “Big Yellow Taxi” with a woman playing the guitar. And during that night, she drank a nice chianti just like Hannibal Lecter.
And the song of the week comes from
who recommended it over on our absolutely amazing Discord server, which you can join if you WOULD ONLY subscribe.If you ever want to see a full list of the three years of dingii, you can use this searchable database created by Beau Andersen.
Do we think Matt Gaetz considered the irony that he himself has now collaborated with Democrats to take down the speaker of the house? Did he imagine that they wouldn't vote with him, because he believes his job is to never vote with them? I simply can't follow the cognitive leap required to make it the Democrats fault for both, not letting you burn, and not extinguishing the fire as you self-immolate.
At least Fat Bear Week is keeping democracy alive!