58 Comments
Apr 28, 2023·edited Apr 28, 2023Liked by lyz

I could write an entire book about all the misogynist garbage I've heard my father spew, both before and after my mother left him. The short version is men like this think it's their god-given right to control women, and sometimes they say it out loud instead of couching it in niceties.

And because I am not above being mean-spirited, petty, spiteful, and vindictive, it warms the cockles of my heart to watch these men throw tantrums when women escape from them. Oh, your ex-wife and/or daughters have the capacity for independent thought and are separate, fully-realized human beings. That must be so hard for you; let me play my tiny violin.

edit: I just read the linked article on Stephen Crowder's treatment of his wife and wow, he and my dad are cut from the same cloth. Isn't it funny how they can't control their temper except around people who could provide consequences for acting like an asshole?

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Just so everyone knows, my divorce took 3 years and 8 months. Why? My ex used the court process to do virtually what he could no longer do personally: torment and terrorize. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s the truth. And I know I am not the only one. And I am in a no-fault state (albeit Arizona, where you can have a covenant marriage. Excuse me while I collect myself).

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Do you know what happened to shitty husbands when we couldn't divorce them? We poisoned them. There's a long, global tradition of women helping other women poison abusive, trash men.

So really, liberal divorce laws are out here protecting men! Save the men! Protect divorce!

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I came here mostly to talk about porch drinks, but in the spirit of sharing divorce stories, I'll say that, luckily, when I left my ex at 24 years old, we had nothing and he was too drunk to fight me about anything but my toothbrush (which he actually did try to take but did not get), so I am so grateful I was able to fill out the paperwork at the public library and pay the $300 court fee and it was done. As backwards as Indiana is in many increasing ways, they made that pretty easy. Almost 20 years later, that seems like a different life and I can't imagine still living it.

Having lost some of my prime party/drinking years to soberly babysitting a dangerous-to-himself alcoholic, I appreciate a drink now. I would like to preface this by defending my general taste and sharing that I know how to make and enjoy a classy cocktail. That said, my underrated recommendations for porch drinks: 1. Wernesgruner - the beer only available (in the US) at Aldi, it is easy to dismiss as a budget knock-off until you read the fine print and your German friend tells you that, yes, it has indeed been brewed by a real German brewery since the 1400s in accordance with beer purity law. It's good. 2. Hear me out, this is better than it sounds... get yourself a bottle of lemon-lime Gatorade, drink it down 2 fingers, top off with tequila. Known by my friends as Haterade. It doesn't need a salt rim because it's already a little salty and you can drink it in public because it's just a Gatorade bottle. You don't believe me that it's good. Your loss.

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Like Jax, I could write a book, only it would be about the women in my life who have had to divorce horrifying men. One didn't get any peace until her ex died in a suicide by cop. Another has had to go through in-patient PTSD treatment twice now because of toxic people, including her ex. Those two exes were/are liberal men who would have counted themselves as feminists, so this isn't just a purview of the right. My younger stepdaughter was with a Rainbow Gathering guy, and it took her years to extricate herself from him. That part where they have you believing things are your fault and that you can't do anything without them is tough to overcome. Also - I love that folks are talking about exit strategies and making sure to provide a clear way out. Kids and pets make it that much more complicated. Rachel Louise Snyder wrote about all of this in "No Visible Bruises: What We Don't Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us". She addresses that verbal and emotional abuse that is mostly what I suffered in my first significant relationship. Fuck Stephen Crowder, and I would donate to his wife's go fund me if I could.

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30 years ago I had a job as a live in nanny for a couple on the verge of divorce (unbeknownst to me when I took the job). The dad was charming, friendly and outgoing, but also very manipulative and controlling. I was so young I couldn’t put my finger on why something about him seemed off. His wife was the breadwinner, a very good mom and a good employer. We really hit it off, and it took a few months before we one day realized he was playing us off each other. Suddenly everything made sense. He wasn’t physically abusive, but he was emotionally and mentally controlling us both. She spent a lot of time planning her escape and I was in on most of it, which was weird and probably inappropriate but I think she and I bonded, it was like I was the only person who understood because I was living in the house with them. It was messy and terrible and gave me a crash course in how hard it is to divorce, what different kinds of abuse look like, and gave me a sixth sense for the tactics “good guys” use to control their partners, and how they are able to manipulate a narrative to make themselves the victim. 30 years later and it still gives me anxiety just thinking about it. And I was on the periphery. The courage and planning it takes to get out of these relationships is really something.

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Apr 28, 2023Liked by lyz

Summer time in Central PA means Field Study IPA from Troeg’s brewery. And before non-IPA turn their nose up, this beer is light, crisp, not too bitter, and has an almost floral sweetness to it that makes the first one go down too easy after a hot summer day, the second one tastes just right, and it’s light enough that the third one for good measure won’t wreck you. If I knew how to ship liquids I would suggest a MYAM brew exchange club because that tangerine wheat beer sounds delicious.

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“I am a dingus. Change my mind.” Could there have been a more obvious choice? I believe everything I see 😉

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The video was t r i g g e r i n g. Warning for anyone who has lived at the hands of an abuser. The way he talked to her. "WATCH IT." The way she tried to deescalate and disengage. (Sounds like she was starting to learn some of the vocabulary around abuse.) The way she tried to protect her body physically.

And? He will get to continue to abuse her, because the system is set up for his abuse, not her (or the children's) safety.

Regarding leisure time ... I was away with the kids for several weeks (after planning and packing everything myself). When we got back, he said to me, "I don't know why you complain so much about doing laundry. I did mine a couple of times while you were gone, and it was no big deal." ***insert that deadpan blinking gif here***

1) Complaining. I probably asked for help. He categorized that as complaining. 2) If I were doing the laundry of 1 person instead of 5, I probably wouldn't have asked for help (complained).

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"His podcast is basically the stop-hitting-yourself brand of humor that you’ve come to expect from men with the personality of rotting dairy products."

You truly have an artful way with scathing insults. I take my hat off to you!

And also, it's terrifying that Republicans are rumbling about removing no-fault divorce and don't think for one second that the reversal for Roe V. Wade doesn't make a compelling case for this since it's all about Republican interpreting the 14th Amendment and if "liberty" means "people should have bodily autonomy", which conservative seem convinced that no. Obviously not. Because that implies that the social order wasn't ordained by some bIoLogiCal HiGhEr PoWer something something and is, in fact, unfairly constructed.

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As disturbing as it was to watch a private argument recorded on Ring leaked and spread across the Internet, yesterday's revelations only confirmed what Crowder always meant the whole time when he spoke about "traditional" marriage and values.

But still, part of me felt bad and intrusive about watching that video. Not sure what to do with that.

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Tangerine Wheat DOES sound good. As we talked about in the Discord, I enjoy a nice, easy beer like Miller High Life (or a Coors Banquet) as something I don't have to think about. It's just kind of nice. That's it.

Sometimes I think about how so many people are tasked with covering these awful, awful people, and how even those of us not paid to do so have to let goobers like Trump and Carlson take up mental space in our lives. It's offensive. I shouldn't have to think about these people. And yet here we are.

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gee, hang on, am i supposed to believe that a narcissistic far-right wet spot is a lousy husband? surely you jest!

these guys always show us who they are. believe them.

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founding

In warm(er) weather, I really enjoy Dragon Fandango from Toppling Goliath. Also Cherry Fandango. Refreshing.

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Lyz, I don’t think there is a wait time to file for irreconcilable differences, as opposed to no-fault AND you get to air all the dirty linen! Most parties use no-fault because you don’t have to “prove” anything. It’s much more civilized. Also, more women file than men because that’s what the parties agreed on.

Your Dingus of the Week ought to thank his lucky stars his wife didn’t have to prove anything. He might not have liked the testimony the judge heard!

I’m not saying no- fault isn’t a good thing. (I spent almost 10 years as a child’s representative in domestic relations!) Ill’m just saying that a party who thinks no-fault is bad might be surprised. I think no-fault is available in all states, but I’m lucky, I live in lllinois.

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founding

I've been heads down, distracted by work and life and so I was oblivious to the Steven Crowder things beyond a passing awareness he was in the news cycle. Having read all of that, I'm f'n floored and more than ever I'm looking for a reset button. Thank you for writing this and raising awareness .

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