Dingus of the week: It's gonna be Mike Johnson
Dingus of the week: It's gonna be Mike Johnson
And also, Justin Timberlake. It's a dingus double-header weekend!
This is the weekly dingus, the newsletter where I make fun of someone or something in the news that has made our lives just a little bit worse. And right now, there are many things making our lives a little bit worse. There is a humanitarian crisis in Gaza and Israeli hostages who need to go home. There is antisemitism, mass murder, gun violence, genocide, and oppression across the globe. These things need our attention.
This week, I really valued reading Spencer Ackerman in The Nation and hearing his interview on The Ezra Klein Show. I also donated to Deb Perlman’s fundraiser for World Central Kitchen.
But those are tragedies and don’t deserve to be mocked. But you know who does need to be mocked? The two dinguses of the week.
And let me tell you, some weeks ask questions, like, “Who is the dingus?” But other weeks answer the question, saying, “These fucking guys.” This week, these guys are Justin Timberlake and newly-elected House Speaker Mike Johnson.
That’s right. It’s another dingus double-header weekend. Buckle up, witches.
After three weeks of infighting, disagreement, and political backstabbing, House Republicans have finally united around Rep. Mike Johnson, a Republican from Louisiana.
But what are the beliefs that Johnson holds that is uniting Republicans? Could it be limited government and lower taxes? Could it be democracy and freedom and returning to their ideological roots as the party of Abraham Lincoln?
It’s none of those things. Rather, it’s his righteous commitment to being homophobic and spreading conspiracy theories about the election.
You are right. I am sorry. I am being unfair. It’s also about forcing women to give birth to make the economy better and not funding payouts to 9/11 first responders.
Johnson also believes in covenant marriage, which is like normal marriage but harder to get out of. And if anyone has been divorced, you know that normal marriage is hard enough to end already. I’m assuming his plan includes boldly proclaiming women should need a man’s signature to get mortgages and credit cards.
Mike Johnson is just bigotry with nice hair and glasses.
The House Republicans picking Mike Johnson as a speaker is the equivalent of handing out circus peanuts to trick-or-treaters. Sure, it’s candy, but it’s the worst kind.
The New York Times put Johnson’s speakership into historical perspective, noting:
Mr. Johnson, a second-tier member of the House leadership first elected in 2016, is the most obscure lawmaker to rise to the helm of the House since J. Dennis Hastert of Illinois was plucked from near the backbenches in 1998 to become speaker after Representative Tom DeLay, that period’s version of Mr. Jordan, realized he could not succeed Newt Gingrich.
Yes, Mike Johnson following nobly in the lineage of J. Dennis Hastert, the guy who allegedly abused students.
Mike Johnson is about as far right as you can go without doing the full Francisco Franco.
Anyway, this is who is the uniter. The one evil ring to rule them all.
It’s almost as if House Republicans voted for him thinking, “America won’t notice he’s evil because he has a full head of hair!”
It’s almost as if they were thinking, “Oh we’ll get a guy with glasses. No one hits a guy with glasses on!”
No, we hit him in the balls.
Next up, we have Justin Timberlake.
Like many aging Millennial American women, I eagerly grabbed up a copy of Britney Spear’s memoir when it was published on Wednesday.
I opened the book while my kids were doing homework Wednesday night and haven’t been able to put it down.
The book is a story about a girl who was never allowed to be a girl. About a woman, who is immensely talented and worked her ass off, but instead of having the world evaluate her skill as a performer, it debated her breasts size and fetishized her virginity, and got upset when her mental health fell apart. It’s the story of a woman who gave us everything, but still, we demand more and more.
And there are many many awful people who play a role in this story. The paparazzi, tabloid media cycles, Spears’s father Jamie, and Kevin Federline, whom Spears brutally savages, writing “…he really thought he was a rapper now. Bless his heart — because he did take it so seriously.”
That’s a murder right there.
But I would like to talk about Justin Timberlake.
According to Spears’ memoir, while they were dating Timberlake was an awkward white guy who adopted Black affectations that were cringe even in the early 00s.
But the part that really got me was how he forced Spears to get an abortion after he got her pregnant. And he didn’t want her to go to the doctor, so he obtained pills and she did a self-medicated abortion at home. And it went horribly. Spears describes writhing on the bathroom floor in pain while Timberlake, takes out his guitar to sing to her
That’s some chaotic evil Kenergy right there — strumming a guitar while your girlfriend screams on the bathroom floor. He Matchbox 20ed her abortion!1 THE BEN FOLDS OF IT ALL!
THE ABSOLUTE VERVE PIPE OF HIM!2
Spears also points out how Timberlake broke up with her via text message. And then later, visited her at her home in Louisiana to deliver a breakup letter that he HIMSSELF HAD FRAMED and gave to her.
After they broke up, Timberlake released an entire album that made it appear as if Spears had cheated on him and broke his heart (she admits to making out with dancer Wade Robson once). When in reality, Timberlake cheated on her multiple times. A fact, he seemed to forget while he was out giving interviews talking about their sex life, and her partying, to promote his album Justified.
It’s almost as if Timberlake’s entire career is built on letting women take the fall for the shitty things he did. *stares in Janet Jackson’s boob*
I am so happy that America is experiencing a cultural re-evaluation of the way we treated women in the ‘90s and early ‘00s. But re-evaluating the past doesn’t seem to make us much better at how we treat women in the present. And I feel like the 20-30 year remove we have from the past gives us a sense of superiority, while never forcing us to grapple with the headlines being run about Taylor Swift, Kylie Jenner, and Sophie Turner.
We get to say. “Oh wow, that was so bad!” While turning around and griping about how Hilary Clinton just didn’t work hard enough to earn it. Or by whispering among friends about how we just kind of “can’t put our finger on it” but we hate the sound of that woman’s voice and just don’t like her.
Anyway…here is a dingus runner-up, Josh Wingrove.
And now for something good…
The American economy is growing! So, about that minimum wage increase…
Debt activist bought and canceled $10M in debt from students at Morehouse College.
Gen Z and Millennials are leaning left and staying that way.
If you read this week’s mid-week newsletter, you might have noticed that I put in a small paragraph about how insects give each other gifts of food while they are mating. Most often this is the male of the species giving the female nutrients to make her more fertile. But sometimes it’s hermaphroditic snails shooting kinda-deadly mucus darts at each other. Or male spiders offering up silk-wrapped bug treats to lower the likelihood that the female will eat him. And I think that’s beautiful.
Other good things include, Jenna Ellis doing a little mea culpa for flagrantly violating the law. Her apology was really giving “I’m so sorry, I thought I could get away with it. And now, I have been caught. I deeply regret these consequences.”
Pour one out for Georgia. A court told them to stop doing a voter-related racism.
Also, I hate to brag (no I don’t). But one of my very good things for this week was how amazing this community was in the comments and the Discord this week. I saw some gentle disagreement that resulted in a more full and rich conversation and no one getting defensive. I had friends text me to tell me that they found the weekly discussion about aging touching and life-affirming. I was also able to write an entire essay about gendered expectations and not one comment was #NotAllMen. Instead, I thought there were some deeply thoughtful insights that challenged me to think deeper. I LOVE IT! I really really enjoy this space. And as the internet continues to collapse in on itself, I cannot even begin to tell you all how much I love our conversations.
What I am drinking…
This week, I was finally able to drink a THC/CBD beverage made by Lua Brewery and Big Grove Brewery. I had the mixed berry flavor and my only comment was that if you indulge, check the THC/CBD levels on your can, because every flavor is different. I accidentally got the most potent dose and I am a lightweight and I had to leave my friend’s house before the THC set in. That said, I drank one seltzer and got a great night’s sleep. And 10/10 would do it again. Listen, I don’t know how this is legal in Iowa. But I am not a narc and I have to say, I love it!
Which brings me to my next point: Please just make weed legal. Like, come on! This shouldn’t be hard. Release people from jail for marijuana-related drug offenses and MAKE WEED LEGAL.
Christ if our governments are going to take away all my rights, criminalize the existence of my friends, and continue to do nothing about the environment while activating the war-mongering machine, the LEAST you could do is give us a little legal cannabis.
I was talking to my friend about this. And he mentioned that he was taking a little break from weed and I was like, “What? Why?” And he told me that he wanted to reset. No booze. No nothing.
“What? You are gonna raw dog humanity?” I said.
“Nah, I’ll flip it and fuck it back,” he replied.
On that note: We have done enough. Have a great weekend.
This comment is credited to the hilarious Maggie Mason, who pointed out our darkest laughs are all we have in these times.
If you understand this joke you should be taking a daily fiber supplement.
It’s almost as if they were thinking, “Oh we’ll get a guy with glasses. No one hits a guy with glasses on!”
No, we hit him in the balls.
Thanks for the literal LOL. I needed it!
"If our governments are going to take away all my rights, criminalize the existence of my friends, and continue to do nothing about the environment while activating the war-mongering machine, the LEAST you could do is give us a little legal cannabis." Damn straight!