A National Dingus Holiday

Today, we lower our judgmental fingers in honor of the Queen

This is the Weekly Dingus, the Friday newsletter that makes fun of something dingusy in the news. Shares some links and a drink. More and more people are saying that the dingus is the best part of the week. Subscribe and never miss one.

The Queen at the derby with her private secretary. This picture was taken when I was 7 years old.

On Thursday, Queen Elizabeth I, who ruled the United Kingdom for 70 years, died in order to distract from Steve Bannon turning himself in for arraignment. STAY WOKE!

The Queen died just one day after meeting Britain’s new prime minister, Liz Truss. The election of Liz Truss enacted a little-known British law that states only one Liz can rule them all. Kind of like the Dalai Lama, but for Lizes. It’s worth pointing out that I knew about this rule because in the 6th grade, when I changed the spelling of my nickname from Liz to Lyz, I accidentally became the arbiter of all Lizes.

The Queen is being mourned by everyone. Including former dingus award winner Kim Reynolds, who tweeted her condolences because the world was waiting to hear what the governor of Iowa thought about the passing of the monarch of a foreign nation. 

Speaking of Iowa, we passed up a huge opportunity to declare the corn kid Corn-Bassador of the state. We got scooped by South Dakota. That’s okay, apparently we have Busch Light pizza. And this just goes to show that unless it’s white and beer adjacent, Iowa won’t celebrate it.

Back to the Queen. In honor of the Queen (and because my brain is broken from book edits), I am declaring today a National Dingus Holiday. And instead, I am rounding up some of the best jokes about the Queen, which I found on Meghan Markle’s internet. This year, I did a DNA test and was shocked to learn I am actually 40 percent Irish. So, you must excuse me. This is part of my noble heritage, which I just learned about.

Jess Whitney @Jessica_Whitney

my sister lives in North Ireland & just texted saying the neighborhood has started lighting fireworks lmaoooooo

Sorry, sorry, we must respect the Queen.

gaming disorder pawg @roun_sa_ville

Please be respectful when talking about the Queen. She was a head of state, a monarch, a mother to multiple pedophiles and most importantly a devoted cousin to her husband

Also, yes, I am very well aware I’m going to hell. I’ll apologize to to you when I get there. But joining me in perdition will be Rusty Foster, the author of the Today in Tabs newsletter, who wrote this yesterday.

Elizabeth is survived by her three sons, the one who hung out with Jeffrey Epstein, the ginger podcaster, and King The Other One, and also by Henry Kissinger somehow.

But before we plummet to the inferno, where we will spend eternity with Elizabeth, here are some very good jokes that I did not make.

Ashley Feinberg @ashleyfeinberg

Royal guard solemnly entering the corgi wing of Buckingham palace and weeping as they tie tiny blindfolds on the dogs they've got left

Beau Boughamer @BeauInMaryland

Queen Elizabeth II is quiet quitting

Mrs. Detective Pikajew, Esq. @clapifyoulikeme

I've been waiting years to make use of this

Drew Hammill @Drew_Hammill

Speaker Pelosi has ordered the flags at the U.S. Capitol to be flown at half-staff due to the passing of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

Elliott Canty @ElliottCanty

well they move fast

Also, a new queen just got crowned.

And you know what? What the hell. We actually do have a dingus. And it’s this guy. I’m just imagining all the Brits reading Andrew Sullivan’s outpouring of grief like, Sir, you don’t even go here.

Andrew Sullivan @sullydish

I'm trying to write a column and I find myself in tears. I fear that everything she exemplified - restraint, duty, grace, reticence, persistence - are disappearing from the world.

Anyway…

Jessica Marie Johnson @jmjafrx

Y'all taking the high road but the low road is much more fun and historically accurate.

What I Am Reading:

• This story, written in 2017, is a fascinating look at all the things that will happen and are happening when the Queen dies.

• Two journalists who I love and admire met while covering the Unite the Right Rally and fell in love. They got married this month. And oh my god, is there something in my eyes? Just allergies. 

• Also, a bunch of rich people are preparing for the apocalypse by building very complex bunkers. And not by, you know, actually trying to stop the apocalypse.

• Five Thirty Eight compiled a list of candidates on the ballot across the country and where they stand on Trump’s claims of election fraud. 

• The LA Times had a good look at this fragile moment in American politics.

• Amy Littlefield has this in-depth story on what happened in Kansas over abortion rights.

• People who identify as rural are often not living in rural places. I identified this in my book and called it an agrarian mindset. Remember, identity is often about belonging and exclusion.

• Maternal instinct is an absolute myth.

• Also, an Iowa corrections officer was on a list of Oath Keepers. There are probably many others. Because, as per the story, many members were kept off official lists. Some of those that work forces…etc.

• In this newsletter, Eve Ettinger wrote an explainer behind the “groomer” moral panic.

Understanding the Groomer Moral Panic

What I Am Drinking:

Last week, I made an Old-Fashioned with a brown sugar syrup, and I used cocoa bitters. It was absolutely delicious. And it inspired me to go to the store and buy peach bitters and use those with the brown sugar syrup and to make another kind of old fashioned. It’s a wonderful drink. I topped it off with a bit of mint.

Have a lovely weekend!